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Thread: Dream

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! eduard p jones's Avatar
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    Dream

    Dream

    "One serene night, indulged in sleep, i saw a scene
    though clear to see, as if my vision was a screen
    then all to quick my dream was taken away from me"


    it was a dream and one that was too quick to leave
    i saw & heard things that i know i should not believe
    this hazy scene that was displayed in front of me
    & the one thing i perceived out of my minds debris
    is something thats still not clear to see
    & maybe its a thing that should never be.

    i walked through trees of green, as shades whispered to me
    telling stories of joy & glee as i brushed past the fallen leaves
    they sang me songs of hope & took from me the pain
    thats in the past & that in this dream just seems to fade away
    & although the seasons change, the scenery remains the same
    as i glance towards the sky, its as if lookin at my life's parade
    no fear at all, of what may seem. but of what could have been
    but now to me, what was my life? is it that which was the dream

    thats what troubles me, a past life which is no longer reality
    just a dream that seems is my only thing
    ...attaching me to a long lost mortality
    so this setting falls away, changing from what once was known
    to a decrepit hallway, in which my final truth is shown
    the body limp and frail, turning i reach down for my light
    i inhale again then i go limp as i take my lips from the pipe
    as i drift to sleep i see a scene i know i should not believe
    though clear to see, i must perceive that this is all just a

    dream......

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    Re: Dream

    It's cool in like the middle to last stanza how the piece was kinda you loooking at a past life and seeing it as like a lucid dream.

    You had good structure and rhymescheme....there where parts where it was more assonance....but I like when assonance is used sometimes you can lose a good point through trying to craft the perfect Multies or whatever.

    Nice piece here....

    There were my favorite Lines:

    i walked through trees of green, as shades whispered to me
    telling stories of joy & glee as i brushed past the fallen leaves
    they sang me songs of hope & took from me the pain
    thats in the past & that in this dream just seems to fade away
    & although the seasons change, the scenery remains the same
    as i glance towards the sky, its as if lookin at my life's parade


    These lines seemed to have the most imagery imo....Like your writing style.
    Hope to see more of it....in following weeks and months.

    Peace.

  4. #4
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    Re: Dream

    Ok I liked your opening lines.
    Rhyme was there and you started the piece of nicely
    Rhyme scheme seemed solid from beginning to end, your piece ran smooth
    First verse opened with some great description...it was really vivid
    Also a nice touch of imagery you brought out.
    All the above helped you to build your story up without any real hassle.

    Nice piece

    Take a look...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-382626.html

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! eduard p jones's Avatar
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    Re: Dream

    thanks for the feed, i'll return any feed dropped...

    if you drop links that would help lol...

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