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Thread: Upon his Grave...

  1. #1
    Po'Ethics
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    Upon his Grave...


    Upon his Grave...

    Shattered nails tear at reddened soil,
    Tears boil amidst a scene of dormant turmoil --
    Black as oil his tattered coat flaps at his neck,
    Worn hands batter, splatter as his skin begins to fleck;
    Smatterings of man burst forth from the rare grass,
    Knuckles crimson upon the softly cracking glass.
    Cackled laughter trickles through clenched teeth,
    Steaming shoulders seethe as he bites into the wreath.
    His figure -- dark as the night -- pressed against the wall,
    Heart pounding the sight; no one will answer his call.
    Destined to fall below the loose ties of man,
    Embracing the cool beneath the soil and sand.
    There he will sit aside his lost love,
    As family are cast aside from above:
    Peering down, hiding their tears; smiling quietly,
    Yelling upwards he WILL defile them defiantly.
    .
    See a sea of irreplaceable variety,
    Human society corrupt within its anxiety.
    Piety draped over error, terror, and societal stretcher-bearer,
    As the masses realize that the individual is rarer...
    Rarer in terms of feeling, dreaming, emotional revealing,
    Merely being instigates his volatile congealing.
    .
    .
    His heart is reeling as the cool embrace arrives,
    The pounding of his headache subsides...
    .
    .
    .
    Beaming through reddened eyes, and familial lies,
    A father sat upon the grave in which his son abides.



    ...I'm back...

    Death Was Chosen

    Live Your Life
    Last edited by Deviate; November 17th, 2008 at 04:44 PM
    Po'Ethics Lives

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! eduard p jones's Avatar
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    Re: Upon his Grave...

    nice....

    i like ur opener alot, and ur inner rhyming is nice.

    Shattered nails tear at reddened soil,
    Tears boil amidst a scene of dormant turmoil\
    it actually had me thinking of zombies when i first read it

    Destined to fall below the loose ties of man,
    Embracing the cool beneath the soil and sand.

    ^ another stand out line, imo..

    the only problem i have with ur piece is, and this is my personal preference...is that when your vocab picks up and starts getting more complex, u lose me...not that i dont know what it means but it just takes away from the story imo, like i should focus more on ur vocab usage then ur story, which i dont believe should be true...

    no doubt tho, ur a good writer...i liked this..props

  3. #3
    Po'Ethics
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    Re: Upon his Grave...

    Thanks... Be sure to leave links
    Po'Ethics Lives

  4. #4
    Banned
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    Re: Upon his Grave...

    See a sea of irreplaceable variety,
    Human society corrupt within its anxiety.
    Piety draped over error, terror, and societal stretcher-bearer,
    As the masses realize that the individual is rarer...
    Rarer in terms of feeling, dreaming, emotional revealing,
    Merely being instigates his volatile congealing.


    these were my favorite lines..I loved the flow of them and how they ran together so well....very good writing.

    I liked the topic or whatever...but its been done alot on RB and you didn't really make it your own....as far as like structure flow and imagery goes you did a good job. But your topic was played and it took away from your technical skill....maybe I'm just overanalyzing....

    Peace and stay up.

  5. #5
    Po'Ethics
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    Re: Upon his Grave...

    Cheers, up.
    Po'Ethics Lives

  6. #6
    Banned
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    Re: Upon his Grave...

    ok i liked this the structure was nice and word choice was nicely done.
    The flow sorta lost me on some lines..although i think it was intentional to show emphasis...my fav part

    Peering down, hiding their tears; smiling quietly,
    Yelling upwards he WILL defile them defiantly

    lol idk why just the smiling quietly part just caught my eye..i love word choice like that to show deepness...just those 2 words can express someones feelings that could take hours to describe...props

    overall really nice read here...hot shit man
    thx for read.


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ve-382832.html
    hit that please homie ^^^^^

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