Cutting Away My Life

[YoungLadie]

Its Amazing How I’ve Wasted Away So Many Years
The Fabrication And The Bullshit While I Was Living In Fear
In My Head Are Thoughts That Repudiate To Be Cleared…
Here…

My Heart Is Obscure But My Soul Is Transparent
I Wrote These Lines While My Drugs Are Coherent
Grew Up Alone I Became Both Of My Parents
I Felt Cheaper Than 2$ Shoes On Clearance

As A Child I Played Alone In The Street
Played Kickball With No One Else To Compete
I Drew Love Stories In The Silk-Strewn Dust
I Never Knew A Person Who Defined That Word Trust
So For A Predominantly Sinful Nature I Began To Lust

After My First Break Up My Wrist Appeared Cut
People Thought I Was Insane But I Couldn’t Give A Fuck
I Watched My Blood Deplete And Drew Pictures On The Floor
Little Did I Know This Would Soon Be My Suicidal Galore
I Tried To Paint The Sky Red It Was My New Daily Chore

Look At My Arms Tell Me What Do You See?
The Indescribable Scars That Are Attached To Me
I Can Taste The Blood I Can See It Glisten
You Can Hear It Scream If You Closely Listen
Its Pitch Black With The Drip Drop Sounds
The Puddle Spilled On The Floor Is So Profound
I Press Harder With The Blade…
…Til My Heart Stops Its Drumming Sound
…Goodbye…

[YoungLadie]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-381700.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...od-380860.html

[Spoken Deity]

you need to leave more constructive, longer feed for your next drop.
thanks

[Vincent Maestro]

this had some sick imagery in it....and you painted a picture of someone just desperate for someone to care....It was sad to read about someone So alone.
I guess thats just good emotion.

I wish you would leave the caps out but it looks like you're not GOING TO DO THAT.

anyways cool structure and story just try to upp your voc. a tad.
It'd make your pieces more fun to read cause you're so good with EMotion
my fav. lines in this piece were:

I Can Taste The Blood I Can See It Glisten
You Can Hear It Scream If You Closely Listen
Its Pitch Black With The Drip Drop Sounds
The Puddle Spilled On The Floor Is So Profound
I Press Harder With The Blade…
…Til My Heart Stops Its Drumming Sound
…Goodbye…
real gory and packed with imagery....

[YoungLadie]

Haha Thanks
And Yeah Sorry The Caps Ain Goin Anywhere
Its Like My Baby

[Ebolorama]

I thought that this was a decent venting piece.. I've just read so many of these and I know that its good for the writer to get them out but I just dont think that they appeal that much anymore because they just keep coming out. it seems like every time I read one of these its about the same thing. I dont know if everyone is trying to be fake to make there life seem more interesting or they're trying to make there internet name look hard. Who know? I know that you got some potential and just let it out and be more creative

[YoungLadie]

Naw It Wasnt A Venting Peice For Me...
It Was Kinda Random
I Asked A Friend To Give Me A Topic And Thats
What They Came Up With So I Wrote It Yesterday And Decided To
Post It Yano?

[C_beal]

well tbh i've actually felt like that before.. so i actually related with it.. I thought it was perfect situation.. keep it up i can see your getting better and better.. :]

[Mauvais Loup]

this was ok.

first thing, structure-try to pick one form to follow and not change it up. it makes your piece flow better. i used to use the capital ish, it just makes it somewhat difficult to read. you should consider outting it.
word choice-in some parts, you had great choices and others, not so much.

I Tried To Paint The Sky Red It Was My New Daily Chore

i liked the first part of that line, but then i expected more out of the second half. it left the metaphor empty, in my eyes.

concept-played, seen a lot of pieces similar to this.

my advice (which by no means is the say all, end all) pick a structure and a rhyme scheme to stick with throughout the entire piece. do away with capitalizing each first letter. work on using more metaphors. try to pick out better, more creative concepts that you can write into more.

i'll be looking for your next piece.

[YoungLadie]

Thanksz
And Its Hard Not To Cap
I'll Try For My Next Peice I Guess

[Trahedy Siphon]

Yea this is cool. Its more of a rap though, should be in Open Mic. Definitely emotive and you've got some nice lines in there. Gets a bit emo in places with the whole distraught emphasis going on but all in all it seemed truth. I particularly liked..

As A Child I Played Alone In The Street
Played Kickball With No One Else To Compete

This seemed the most natural part of it I think. I'd stick to descriptions and memories like this.. works for you. Laters.

[Alphaeus]

Thought this was ok.
I really like the small 3 line structure you had to your last piece, so would have liked to see that again.
You had some nice imagery in here

After My First Break Up My Wrist Appeared Cut
People Thought I Was Insane But I Couldn’t Give A Fuck
I Watched My Blood Deplete And Drew Pictures On The Floor

Seems to be one of your skills as a writer, so hope you keep it up.
Again your description was on good form and allowed the piece to move on smoothly
Resulting in an enjoyable read

[Sorn]

Aah shit I'll be your friend...
No but it's a really great piece. Really lonely images. I agree the theme is played but you brought a fresh approach to it. Lots of emotions going on here makes the reader care about what is happening. Shit! Doesn't anybody write anything happy? About flowers and teddys and shit? Damn, gotta go... the prozak is kicking in lol

[YoungLadie]

Thanks Stock And Sorn And Trahedy

[YoungLadie]

Upping I Guess