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Thread: My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

  1. #1
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    Post My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

    Cowards hide behind ther political super powers
    sent the children to fight every hour
    they died before the blossom became a flower
    after the presidential greed devours
    thers nuttn left but airborn explosives that scour
    the shattered twin towers rainning cocaine showers
    mothers cry as kids sleep beneath the rose flowers
    its sour in my soul i feel some things decievin
    like cracked side walks ther excuses seem uneven
    i feel it in the air im breathin or in the faith i believe-in
    bcuz bodys are bleedin
    while soldiers carry M16'S through the garden of eden

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    A LOSS CAN STILL BE A WIN IF YOU LEARN
    SOME THING FROM IT, DO WHAT YOU DO

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    A LOSS CAN STILL BE A WIN IF YOU LEARN
    SOME THING FROM IT, DO WHAT YOU DO

  3. #3
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    Re: My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

    Just thought I'd tell you there was alot of mispellings and some words were misused. Like make sure your grammar is correct ot whatever. We can't hear you saying it like its a spoken word piece so make your language more clear.

    You had some okay imagery but your wording was messing with the storyline or whatever.
    Work on that//peace.

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    Re: My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

    ya i wrote it pretty fast, thanks for the feed tho man

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  5. #5
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    Re: My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

    I like the feeling of the poem, like dayvid said some of the words were misused. A lot of it rhymed but some lines couldve been left out or at least edited to be a little smoother.

    Overall i think it was a good poem, you did a good job setting the mood. It was short but efficient

  6. #6
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    Re: My Real-Eyes Realize The Real-Lies

    I felt that the rhyme scheme was real basic and that it took away from this piece. I know that you could have been more creative with this and could have put more thought into it man.

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