Puppet

[Dayvid Aimz]

Look at the puppets on a stage, they
Prolong my rage, can't say what they wanna say
Stunting in your video with Jessica Biel (look-a-likes)
In real life a bi-sexual you guess that you're real?
Used to be a hero of mine with crisp falsetto
Had a Dj in your set to get closer to ghetto?
I guess so, funny how those names get replaced
Another black-face in the lineup, beats and breaks
Its crazy when that basement artist becomes fake
In the past though that artist has done great
Even stage-shows y'know, sessions untaped
Look at him now with platinum skin
Wouldn't wanna conversate
Much less rap with him, ask again
Now he's just a stringed man
For the audience, that plays into played bands
I HATE YOU VERY MUCH BRANDON BOYD



Links:
Guitar Solo-David Peace
The Taker-Stock

[abiona]

Look at him now with platinum skin

Now he's just a stringed man

dug those images.

i think overall... the rhyme constricted you. while nice in places, it felt unnatural in others.

the 'storyline' is easy to get into, easy to relate to... i wish you would have gone a bit deeper into him before the puppetry. so that the reader can identify with how he has changed rather than taking your word for it.

for such a short piece, however, you conveyed a good deal.

[obseqious]

agreed the rhyming i felt like is really constricted your emotions, i think that you were really trying to make is have a really solid structutre, when it is important, however you should write out all of your thoughts, after that is done take a break come back to it then construct it with rythem or rhym, this way you can take each line one at a time instead of trying to rhtyme and rwite at the same time :P
if you write for your self or a loved one, you can never be wrong!!!!