1. Check in By Wednesday
2. Post your verse by Friday
3. Edit Three links into your check-in
4. Don’t “up” your thread
5. Don’t ask for an extension. If you wont make it, let me know and I’ll get a replacement. If you don’t let me know you wont show, you may feel repercussions in later SS seasons/playoffs.
Hence Forward
axis powers
nice... you ain't gonna make it through this one friend...
Last edited by Tim; September 1st, 2008 at 06:58 AM
An Ant in a Mole Hill
By: Cry
"Sometimes to prove a point,
you need to kill an ant with a stick of dynamite."
Dark shuts down the light, the street is dry...
and I'm after a guy that needs to die,
one conceived by lies, he's a writhing tooth,
but these streets need to see I'm the truth,
I'm fixed on finding who, or where he is,
it's all on what kind of gun I carry in -
if I want to burry him... he's sophistocated,
I can't be like "there he is!"
and swing for anything my fist embraces...
I'm quick to hate him - but reasonablly,
his extermination is seamless to me,
he has no reason to be,
so I stay singin'... 'tis the season to bleed',
it's my moment for deletin' the freaks!!
so leaders talkin' crime aren't just speakin' to speak,
to be serving those who cross the law...
treatin' the creeps...
instead of just tellin' 'em to "knock it off"
'till there's no more street to chalk upon...
they're a mock of Gods, and a lack of man,
because no God needs a back up plan,
and my acts are fast... I'm closing in,
packing too much anger to focus with,
I need to know where his throne is hid,
time's growing thin, I need something to feel first,
so I question each druggie and dealer...
struggling to peel dirt from all their eyes,
pack 'em up after, give 'em all fair trys...
and if they dare lie - or fail to be wrong,
they're guarunteed jail by default,
- or where an I.V. falls...
Then, finally... a call.
but the phone makes time seem to stall,
and now my heart skips... shock spilling,
got moving to what has to be the wrong building,
and possibly, GOD WILLING -
to the family I hope he's not killing...
breaking the hinges right off the door,
first thing I see's my wife on the floor,
and I lose my fight to mourn... can't find half of me,
my heart so heavy... it defy's gravity,
even I laugh at me, I'm too spent to go on,
but I look up to see my kid's head get blown off,
don't even get a "so long!"
starin' down the culprits I just fuckin' witnessed,
as my body practically sucks the clips in...
fucked to begin with, my death's more power,
planned out like I'd been dead for hours,
everything shrank... my mind defining regret,
reaching out to the last thing I'm dying to get,
her undying respect...
which to reach now, would take miles by hand,
like trying to reach soil that's piled by grass...
but I want to accept the real while I can,
-at least while I still feel like an ant.
peace...
good luck Tim.
Last edited by Cody Nash; August 30th, 2008 at 05:10 AM
'Unraveled'
(a musical)
prologue:
our story told, the cold town born near the forest
restored it's heart through the love that had flourished
wore it's roots on it's sleeve's, 'till the teary-eyed falling leaves,
fell upon the coming dawn, from the song one man conceived
..the story unfolds..
with the folding back of covers, the true conviction of a lover
the uncovering of his heart, which, in this case, built unstable
unable to see this, life's obviousness remains his wish
the true repercussion of a kiss, the ever-inability to resist
what? so, he wants something to miss, but like a stench, it lingers
too busy dreaming of a neverland, and the sight of rings on fingers
after being fully awake, his past time gave to rising
dusting the morning's dust out his eyes, never came surprising
i suppose it was never realizing this that finally turned him on,
when he forgot the cold outside, and settled down for song
once upon a time, nearly noon, our brideless groom,
sat and spent his worth, calling upon that which he knew
devoted to the cause, he hardly knew a pause,
strictly stuck on it, only knowing it's withdraws
and so he wrote,
"Love and us will never grow, My love, Who's face i'll never know."
it's sad, as he went and wrote, i think i saw him crying
his inspiration only climbing
wiping the dusk's tears out his eyes, never came surprising
i suppose it was realizing this that finally turned him out
his blind knowledge to the facts; the inhibition of his doubt
i was suprised at how expressionless he took to blade
the accompaniment rose, joining the agony with the bass
a violin solo composed the climax, deepening it with haste
and then a lonely trumpet spoke, declaring his life a waste
the only medic in town rushed as soon the word was spread
arriving there, she went to him, and tried to lift his head
their first, and only, gaze was enough that they should know,
stars cross'd, they stared down at the knife in his throat
a tear was the first word spoke, he wiped it from her cheek
their breaking hearts kissed, whilst tears still tried to speak
she knew his eyes asked forgiveness, she held love that instant
i moved and let death by, found little reason in resistance
their treason wept across his face, he finally found defining grace
knowledge is power, but being blind to it brought his angst
what rolled down her face was a taste of what was to come
the blindness of truth and the true love that had sprung
Courage is knowing you’ll lose and still fighting. Intelligence is knowing you’ll lose and avoiding the fight until you can win.
vote up
Last edited by Tim; August 30th, 2008 at 10:53 AM
ready for votes... good luck Tim...
(posting cuz I edited the verse in)
Cry - good imagery...story was ok for the most part but at least it was original...rhymescheme was a little weak actually...emotion was good...nothing much else I can say
Tim - I'm surprised to see you're not as rusty as I thought you were...rhymescheme wasn't great but it was slightly better than Cry's....emotion was also good...story was pretty good and original....good job
BreakDown
RhymeScheme - Tim
Metaphor - Tim
Storyline - Tim
Emotion - Tie
Originality - Tie
Enjoyment - Tim
Overall - Tim
Vote - Tim, both were kind of similar not storywise...but mechanics wise...but Tim beat out Cry in a few categories...and had a better read with a better developed story
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I would like to say welcome back to you Tim and also, I am definitely surprised by your drop, to say the least. After seemingly a long hiatus, you don't show almost any sign of rust whatsoever...it's wierd, but good. I liked the concept...a little too slow overall for story development, but I did enjoy it. Good piece man. Cry, I think that you focused too hard on your rhyming and flow this week man - cause the concept was kinda weak, but hell, you battled Tim and it seems you psyched yourself out. I don't know, but I've seen better and this seemed a tad mediocre especially the first few lines of that 2nd section...the flow fell apart, then seemed to be focused on again. No hate, but I couldn't really dig it.
v/Tim, decent match.
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
Cry - this almost seemed like the story of Officer Gordon trying to find his family before Two-face killed them, but in your version, he does it. I hope I'm not right since you've written about that movie like four times, but, uh, strangely reminiscent. I didn't get much background on your character, or even why his family is being killed, I understand his reaction and that's the meat of the piece, he goes there all gung-ho wanting to kill this guy and then he just gets paralyzed by grief, as it were. The rhyming was pretty good, but almost to a point it directed your writing too much. I think that's why the story wasn't believable or emotionally charged.
Tim - the first time I read it I didn't get it, but I went back through and noticed how much foreshadowing was involved, how really well the story was developed and even how you hinted in the first few lines of that prologue.. I'm honestly impressed at how well you told that story, I think that was the best piece I've read this week, and not because of the flow which got choppy and redundant at times, but because of the skillfully crafted story. And you paid attention to detail and really did a good job writing it up and sticking to the motifs like the "tears" meaning a lot in this. I think it was a really deep, emotional piece, and it ended great.
Vote to Tim, although if this can be called an upset it is just barely, Cry just had the poor luck of running into by far the best low seed in this tourny...
A.I.
"She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."
Vote: Cry...
Sorry, Tim...family shit gets me almost everytime.
Very tense, frantic, and suspensful...Cry's was.
Must be like actually losing a kid or something...peeps get on CNN, beg for the return of their loved one...
And they're dead the whole time...and the whole time, the family kinda knows it, but gotta go on with the charade anyway.
Harsh...violent...and definitely intense.
But yeah...coulda used more info, man.
I dunno anything about the Batman theme Eng's accusing you of...
But whatever...it won me over.
Tim...
Real nice...wording was great, rhyme smooth...
Just kept missing the meaning of your shit.
I mean...I know it's a love story of sorts...but I'm confused about whether it's man on woman or man on community?
Does he love a person, or a life?
Real sorry, man...technical excellence...but really muddled meaning...
For me.
Peace
TIM-
It is great to see you back.Your story was very well written and think it was one of the best I've seen in a while. It was written with such emotion and it showed very much throughout the verse.
Emotion-Tim
Cry-
Your's was mediocre to what I've seen from you.
I've seen you do way better in previous weeks, your flow was allright but it got sketchy in certain parts but you adjusted it later on. Creativity wise I think you edged out on that. Emotion was pretty decent as well.
It's really a close toss up in my honest opinion. (Which doesn't mean shit)
But I see it as this.
Emotion-Cry
Originality-Both
Imagery-Cry
Storyline-Tim
Vocabulary-Tim
Flow- Tim
My vote goes to TIM.
Good writings to the both of you...
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.Major League Gaming.
XBOX 360 GT: COF Nightmare
Cry - your verse started out as fire in my opinion, your scheme is fluid and catchy to me, and it caught on well right away with good imagery. then slowly throughout tyour verse it seemed like it would hit a decline, it'd fall off or something else technical wasn't there to satisfy the scheme or story line. Overall I think it was a decent drop for you at best, i think you could have come way harder.
Tim - definitely was expecting you to be rusty as fuck. Well, I was wrong - but same goes for you I've definitely seen you drop so much nicer on many other occasions. Your take on the topic was nice, it was cool and the way you told it was good.. scheme was meh, not so enjoyable to vibe to but it worked, it just wasn't butter like it could have been. I enjoyed the read though and the storyline behind it.
v.Tim
ScytsoPhrenia
CrazyDope
Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
"You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!
Cry, dope shit. The rhyming was awesome, WTF @ Smoka saying Tim's was better? But yeah, the story progressed well enough, I got the ant metaphor throughout with him scurrying around and shit. & I liked the imagery throughout, too. You had some clever lines that always add that extra bit to a piece. Definitely not your best, but not your worst either. Tim, I couldn't get into it. The lines were long and the flow was one-syllable most of the time, that just made your story drag on, imo. It was also a bit confusing at times because of the wording. I had to read it like 4 times to get it. When I realised the connection of the love, I liked the drop as a whole. But Cry had the more complete piece. Vote: Cry.
LOL
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