The Curse

[WordPloy]

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The Curse


First the womb empties, then the cradle rocks side-to-side
Thirsting for milk squeezed, a young baby’s quest to survive
This test of life - that drives demons, - & angels alike,
Fighting amongst families… such pressure is too much
Writing painful diaries… – fingers are scared to touch
Limping into mêlées, supporting thoughts with a crutch…
Days fly by… as sunshine - mesmerises the eyeballs
Looking for clues, scrutinizing 66 books of the bible,
Spies & lies, corrupt allies & corny wordplay traits
Dodgy prophets performing feats as you feed their plates…
Holding gold, - or perhaps the silver that Judas held
Subdued by Hell, the few faithful continue to undo this spell,
Vile with peril child, a wild one vying for vengeance
While the Devil smiles – the Nile runs dry in Gods absence
An iron rod thrashes the back - of the decadent
Flesh fries & rots, ashes to dust, we return to the elements…

…

[antology]

I think the flow in this peice lacked alot man, mostly because there wasnt alot of multis or anything in this peice. Your vocab was good and I liked the topic but yea this peice needs a bit of work in my opinion. But everyone has off days.

Return the feed to "Be Gratefull" please.

[Ink Poyzin]

I agree with Antology... This flow lacked alot. Your vocabulary was pretty good, but... Your missing alot. You need to work on your rhyme scheme. Your multi's... Your lacking skill with those two majorly... It tends to throw the flow off, ya know. You wanna read your pieces and look in another point of view. The viewers point of view... There's plenty of things you could've done to make this dope. I'm sure you'll elevate within' time.
You just need to practice on new things...


I'm also asking nicely, if you can please put two links in here, from 2 pieces that you left feedback on. It's the rules, and.. It's only respectful. I mean.. The Mod will end up closing this, if you don't. I can help you putting links in too, if you don't know how. You can just PM me, and.. I'll let you know.