Right through the map

[AlphaMetric]

Awoken and hanging tied from a car
It was going fast , too fast my head went ahhh
Three-sixty-five would be my guess
If I would guess my death I’d hit my desk
It’s too scary to think of it today
Hate to say that you may think I’m away
Yea maybe, in the head travelling everyday
Right through the map, still hanging
Help me get off this fuckin thing
Fuck been on it for fuckin eternity
Get me off this ride of eternal misery
It’s killing the fuck outta me
And now the seasons are changing
Autumn become winter, and winter become spring
And as the day gets colder with hate so jumbo
I mumble when so weaken from starvation feeling crumble
In my tummy, acid drying, body start decaying, and soul weaken
Having trouble moving, head with thoughts of shackle element
Still riding right through the map
And now it’s been a over year
Body so dry, I cant even leave a tear
For how much pain he went in a year
Now his body in bones with maggot on it
Still ridding on the ride of death
Right through the map…



links be coming later

[AlphaMetric]

this took 15 min btw... just though of it has a good concept

[Self: The "B" Side Prince]

It was alright, some room for improvements. Overall I thought the concept was adventurous an could allow some real dope development on it. It had a real Gravediggaz (RZA's first solo group in the early to late 90's) theme to it. Kinda horrorcore originator type shit. the rhyme scheme again was simple, try adding more multi lines, like I mean try an make the last two words rhyme with the next last two words, an throw more rhymes internally, it will add depth and more description if done properly. The vocab was elevated since the last one I thought, you got some ill potential if you keep it at it. Peep my OM/Soon to be audio Dreamy if you get a chance.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...io-374025.html

[Johnny 6-feet]

For 15 minutes work this was pretty solid. You got emotion into this and tied it up with a solid rhyme scheme. Would've liked to have seen more structure to this though, the flow was jumpy because the lines were short, the vocab wasn't a major issue but it could stand to go up a notch. The topic wasn't standard and that's a very good thing. You've got skills to build on for sure.

Keep posting, cheers for the rep.

[antology]

This really wasnt a bad peice considering, but it has alot of room for improvment, especially the flow, it was sorta all over the place but i spose it was only written in 15 mins lol.
Keep writing.
Please RTF to "My Mother" man.

[Giant.]

So, I must say it got a bit better as I read through it. I liked the idea it was pretty original.

Awoken and hanging tied from a car
It was going fast , too fast my head went ahhh

Not a very good line as an opening, I feel like you could do better to grab your reader's attention.

Keep working man, this was a good piece overall.

-Dope-

[WordPloy]

yes it got better somewhere mid-verse
you had plenty of emotion/anger, so that held the piece together quite well
vocab could of been more adventurous
internal rhymes were good in places, but could of been more consistant
you kept on point with the topic, so was esy to read and understand
so yea a good lil piece


check out my one if u get time--
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-374461.html

[Ink Poyzin]

It's been 4 days... You might wanna drop those 2 links now. I'll leave some feedback when you do...

[AlphaMetric]

oh shit, links, forgot about it... fuck... leave it like this and once i go to the neighbor with a mouse.... ill post the links.... so, plz dont close this... ill have links by the end of today

[AlphaMetric]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-374391.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ow-374482.html