Black Coma (Part 1)

[Nikolai]

There's something crawling behind her facial expression
Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression
Torn clothing, because the fabric wasn't withstanding like her
Supposed to be the perfect girl, thats whats demanded of her
Her arms hung by her waist, almost resembling a dummy's
Still as fountain water, calm and composed but the trembling plummets
Smeared make up, the guard that her identity let's eclipse her
Majority think she's an outcast, full of rumors and casts whispers
But that's not with her, just tears and stares as she embraces the mirror
Digestion unexistent, thoughts stacked whilst her plateless dinners
A premature menopause building up, as she fails to concieve bliss
Chest out only when shes breathin in, but the breathin never lifts
Eyes glistening as if prisms looking in, despising her reflection
Drugs are her friend, her ally, didn't take long to realise her affection
Except from this surrounding, which so happens to be impounding
Escape from this torture, needing a high like the tops of the mountains
Not wanting to follow in her father's footsteps, she feels overpowered
She's distraught and grieve strucken over her parents' standards
She pop's one pill, and moments later she's popping some more
Contemplating a multiple suicide by OD'ing and a purchase at the gun store
Feeling oppressed is nothing new, it's a cycle of repeatedness
Occurs daily within the layers of a hierarchy and underachievements
And so the ending seems like it's gonna be a far from a happy one
Self murder? Runaway? Or is she gonna make sure that Daddy's gone?
Only a young girl know's how it goes, and investigators found her notes
So prepare for a black hole journey that starts with a powdered nose...
.
.
.
.
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And the beginning of this story, has seen the teenager remain nameless
Cuz these tear stained pages are those of this narrated protagonist

[Nikolai]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-373468.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...36#post6496236

[Johnny 6-feet]

The sleeping in OM is getting beyond a joke.

A good concept piece man, although i found the cryptic style of the vocab hard to follow at times and your lines were overstretched sometimes. The imagery was there, and strong as hell in places, plus the topic was deep and brave which is hard to find in here at the best of times. I can see you're a budding topical writer whose probably been dropping a lot on other sites prior to this one and i'll be keeping my eyes peeled for future work.

Keep posting and please rtf: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-373427.html

[P. Mortuus]

Okay...Johnny 6-Feet was very lenient towards this piece....half of it didn't make sense and the rest had a word choices....some couplets didn't even rhyme...and others were streched to a stop.

^ Now that's the negative parts of this piece.

The good points are that you do have an understanding like Johnny said so you shouldn't have too much trouble in making the weaker parts a little stronger and making the piece more balanced. Overall, a good effort...Keep at it.

[Ink Poyzin]

I enjoyed this piece but as said before the lines were pretty stretched.. some shit just didnt even rhyme. good vocab though.. im sure you'll elevate quickly.. overall this wasnt too bad.. I wouldnt say it bored me.. so keep writing and ill keep feedin. but yea this is much better than what I see from most noobs.. welcome to rb.

[Red Tha Baron]

This was a cool piece. It wasnt real consistent though. Some multies were off & this sentence : Smeared make up, the guard that her identity let's eclipse her, made no sense.
But it had some good parts too. I particularly liked the beginning.
There's something crawling behind her facial expression
Scrutiny and mutiny prevail in her forever faithful depression
^^Nice multies & inner multies.
Torn clothing, because the fabric wasn't withstanding like her
^^Loved this line, it gives a great picture of the girl this piece is about & what she's been through.

Overall it was a cool piece, the flaws didnt really take away from the total piece. But once you fix those things, it would be alot more enjoyable to read your shit.

1,

[Nikolai]

Smeared make up, the guard that her identity let's eclipse her

It's a metaphor... All it means is that the make up she wears is what her identity uses to cover up her true face

And honestly, all the shit rhymed... To my accent, so that might be the reason why it don't rhyme for you

Also, it did make sense

Thanks for the feed

[Spoken]

I enjoyed yes the read but like B said when you actually place the words into the sentences that you placed in your parts it kind of seems like hey it rhymes so ill put it almost to its match ya know... you seemed to just put words everywhere i see potential but to start like this is ok but i think you have to just polish yourself on word content and assortion thats all the emotion was iight and the imagery was there yes and the concept yes was done many times already but still you had your take on it and it was ok. nice drop dude i hope to see more and this is a constructive critic not negativity

[antology]

I liked this peice man, for a new poster you not bad. Some of your lines were stretched and your ryhme scheme could use some work, but i found you had some good vocab and i liked the topic too, pretty original.

But yea like i said you need to brush up on getting your flow tighter and work on your rhyme scheme. Always room to learn man.

[Trema]

rah for a newbie this piece kinda alright but mate uma hav2 agree wit jonny6 this piece was OVER stretched in nearly every rhyme/line..but u do have potential so nothing shud hold u back..your flow is good just need to kinda not stretch ya shit..but overall good drop fam..

[Nikolai]

Thanks for the feed and yeah, my lines are pretty long in this... But usually, they a lil shorter

[AlphaMetric]

hey, one piece of advice, dont end with her and start with her.... that there destroyed the whole flow.... and this didnt really flow in the first place, topic was good, u had some creative idea, but not well organised so it could flow... try playing with your wording while listening to music... can help alot... alright RTL on my OM "dreaming"