This is the first piece of yours I read and I must admit....you kinda blew me away there.....you covered alot of different topics in one sit down.
You obviously had alot on your mind when you wrote.
honestly I think it works better as a poem than spoken word.
reminded me of poets like nikki giovanni....you should check out some of her stuff.....
nice drop....peace.
Nice piece here.
Well written and a good structure. The writing was pretty original in many parts even though many people write about the topic but the wordplay was very good
Imagery was awesome and presented very well, and the read was very enjoyable
The first piece of many, I shall read of yours
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Bordered on being a speech at times but in the end I could see it was a spoken word type piece. Something I could imagine hearing at an open mic night with intermittent drum beat.
I thought some of the lines lacks a more subtle touch, like the one below:
For every dealer on a corner where poison is sold.
I drown in oceans of blood and tears of mothers,
^^Read a bit too cliche.
I say all this, but really this needs to be heard. It just doesn't read well. I can see some of the lines would be livened by verbal punctuation and can imagine that a short pause would add the emphasis on certain lines.
It seems okay. Record and post it up. Or show structure the piece so we can see which words need emphasis, where you'd pause and all that. Like they do in plays. Because as a piece written on it's own, it doesn't translate too well.
I'm too secure to have a signature.
Oh.
haven't read a piece with this kind of flow in PS before.
great job. I think, even with a commonly written about topic, you managed to say things with your own unique flavor. What I was mostly impressed by was how on the outside, though the structure, rhythm, and the tone made the piece appear somewhat complex, the meaning was quite clear and real. great job on that.
hope to see more from ya.
Ace
^thanks for the feedback everyone i will check out your works tommorow and leave feedback.
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hey, you've got 3 poem right next to eachother... Taken up alot of space.
let some of these die down a bit...so dont up all of them.
dope?
<<is in dope and likes to get feedback from everyone but ntalek.how about i just put up five new poems tonight all at once?
^i'll close them for you being a prick...
this was dope... very vivid, graphic descriptions that really created a strong image in my mind... I like the perspective it gives, and how it kinda builds up at the end to the revolution bit... I also like how at the end you reprised a couple lines you used earlier, and brought it full circle kinda... nice work yo...
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post something new...let this die
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