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Thread: My Nation

  1. #1
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    My Nation

    My Nation

    I stand before you as a voice whos been chosen.
    In a country where the symbol of justice is blindfolded.
    Amidst chains but shackles that still remain on liberty’s arms.
    Where people starve while missiles are hid in the soil of forms.
    I walk down the streets paved in gold......
    For every dealer on a corner where poison is sold.
    I drown in oceans of blood and tears of mothers,
    For those who claim brothers under similar colors then bang on each other.
    Artists paint symbols on skin of soldiers long forgotten,
    As we pick from fields of concrete searching for cotton.
    With no shirts and shorts we play on courts covered in glass shells.
    But the only 3’s we get precede 6’s and 9’s in prison cells.
    Inner hells burn our souls in flames until we forget heavenly placement.
    Children die in diamond mines.........
    ..............until we kill for stones and still end up in braclets
    Inhale cancer the smoke hiding answers that can be solved with patience.
    So in a land of freedom,we choose to answer hatred with hatred
    As days fall like autumn leaves the vivid colors making rainbow patterns.
    I stand in crumbling castles, a crown shattered and robes tattered.
    And my kingdom of broken syringes and subjects enslaved to addiction.
    Where story’s of glory are told across the lines of fact and fiction.
    Those who protect and serve are wolves in a land of sheep.
    Where dead men roam accross graveyards while the reaper sleeps.
    Children fall while foreign posions destroy thier parents frames.
    And the road to riches and redemption exists on transparent lanes.
    A proclamation of emancipation is given to those who toiled adjacent.
    A signed statement with the signature of slaves owning racists.
    So I stand before you as a voice whose has been chosen.
    In a country where my symbol of justice is blindfolded.
    Amidst chains but shackles that still remain on libertys arms.
    Where people starve while missiles are hid in the soil of farms
    Revolution….............
    Lets get it on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. #2
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  3. #3
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  4. #4
    IPeace. Costa.'s Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    Nice Scripture. I'm digging the wordplay in this. The words, were very thoughtful. Though I've read something similar to this, the concept and all but you've brought so much originality in your words. The only problem I have is that you stuck in one area, there are many things that's going on toward the black community. The stuff that you've brought out seems most of it. All in all, Nice Scripture.

  5. #5
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    this was dope all around. the imagery was blissing strong. nice flow to the read as well, the topic was played but it's w/e, just try to think of better topics next time. the storyline was dope as well. i like how you rhymed only sometimes, gave the piece some originality. overall this was a dope piece, only thing i would change is sometimes you stretched your sentences, sometimes. so it's not that bad, just take notice to that yo. nice drop.

    rtf on my shit 'the land of living skies'

  6. #6
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    Re: My Nation

    its a spoken word piece so the sentences are kinda long in certain places because of the way it is said.i dont think this topic can ever be played out though because it is a constant ungoing issue in the country but maybe thats just my view on things.thanks for the feedback.

  7. #7
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    Re: My Nation

    uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppp

  8. #8
    Town Rapist Ink Poyzin's Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    Dope piece, man. The imagery was amazing. You had a very nice way wording this. Which kept me entertained. I agree with Para. The topic is played. But, that doesn't really mean shit in my eyes. You did a good job. Much props and respect. The wordplay was great. The whole nine yards... Overall.. No critism. Well done.

  9. #9
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    Re: My Nation

    ^thanksupppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

  10. #10
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    Quote Originally Posted by WrittenPlasma View Post
    its a spoken word piece so the sentences are kinda long in certain places because of the way it is said.i dont think this topic can ever be played out though because it is a constant ungoing issue in the country but maybe thats just my view on things.thanks for the feedback.
    i had to read it aloud because i felt it needed to be spoken. lol. you plan to record it? because id really like to hear from your voice as opposed to mine.

    Artists paint symbols on skin of soldiers long forgotten,
    As we pick from fields of concrete searching for cotton.
    dopeness.

    i was going to continue quoting, but too many stood out.
    the language, the rhythm, the message... all were well done.

    really enjoyed this.

    i agree that you did stick to certain areas... but there are so many issues that can be tackled that would have fit in this... the piece would have ended up crazy long. besides. the more direct focus on a few issues is good. as for the topic being played... perhaps. but the presentation was fresh so i have no complaints in that respect.

  11. #11
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    Re: My Nation

    with feedback like this why dont i have no nominationsupppppppppppppppppppppppp

  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    Nice piece, very good one that points out flaws of society in an almost eloquent manner, what I liked most was how everything fitted into it's place and there were no major hiccups at all to be honest. The only thing I can say is when you next write try writing something more unique, this was a good piece but needed a few more unique points to make it great.

    when you can:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-378617.html

  13. #13
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    Re: My Nation

    ^i didnt want to make it too long and lose the overall purpose of the poem which is to inspire people to fight back.maybe i will add some stuff just to see what happens.thanks for the feedback bro

  14. #14
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    Re: My Nation

    uppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp pppppppppppppppppp

  15. #15
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: My Nation

    I write alot of spoken word and Ive got a feeling, with the rhyme scheme and elequence, this would be good for it.
    You had some awesome lines in there like whoa. THe pricking cotton and the braclets one were DOPE. You could drop some serious shit for a rhyme schemed OM man.
    Everything was good here. The structure doesnt matter cuz its spoken word, so throw that out... Everything, just good, original, and dope.
    well done man

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