sorry king

[Seedy]

i'm king of the universe,sacred scriptures written on pad
i promise these words wont be my last
sovereignty is what i care about
dont worry theres no drought
i could give you a dream,glorious pearl
big money heavyweight im the talk of the world
rollin up blunts in the kitchen while im wippin that girl
they call a king a manslayer for a reason
one blow from his sword youll stop breathin
bloodspills on a notebook
cranberry juice all over it,nigga i aint no crook
ridin in a white charger
im playin 4 bases like the l.a. dodgers


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ek-372670.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...st-372650.html

[AlphaMetric]

this isnt bad at all for it's shortness,... it's flows nice, not bad vocab, but you could work your imagery and vocab a bit more and make your pieces longer so detail can be put in....

[AlphaMetric]

btw, check out my new piece, dope

[nineties flava]

this was aight, but you need to work on the rhyme scheme alot. Start using internal rhymes (rhyme within the line) and try making the rhymes at least two syllables. To make them more effective, make them rhyme with the actual rhyme (which also means you should make the end rhyme longer). and like kilaplaya said work on imagery.

It wasn't bad, but you got a lot of room for improvement.

return the feed on my piece "Killin It"

[Seedy]

uppy

[Dekken]

This wasent to bad, you prolly coulda wrote it a lil better, Itd prolly be good fer like a freestyle cypher type shit, next time u should post the verse longer so we can help ya out more and leave better feedback....

[Cole Delavergne]

cool ...short rhyme scheme sketchy but cool drop man

[ReWiind]

Ok listen, next time you decide to do a piece like this. Take your time.. add some, vocab, flow, some more emotion. Punch Lines- But i wont judge you for this due to this is the 1st actual piece i read on this site.

[Seedy]

yeah upinn