Just a bit of philosophy ya know

[AlphaMetric]

It’s been three days since I’ve written
Now shitting lines to be put in
Into what is called philosophy for me
And I will write whatever on my mind
Only time will tell, maybe I might fail
But next time ill try two times harder
Not to bail, not to get into hell
And I will ring the fuckend bell
To get your attention spam that dwell
With sounds that bounces stale
Off the walls of wells
But you’ve gotta ignore it
The demons inside your head
He just trying to put your though to shreds
When you know it just not right
Ignore it come into the lights
So you could shine so bright
You now realize your on the top of this hype
It’s doesn’t stop when you stop counting stripes
It stop when you die, so you got your whole life
To realize dreams and hope to become true


links are comming, not sure when...

enjoy

[AlphaMetric]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ne-371617.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-371656.html


ok i got my feed, now come feed me, imma eat you

[AlphaMetric]

...... yes i know it's unfinished but still would love the feed ^^

[AlphaMetric]

not one fuckend feed yet, where the fuck is the luv guys

[Havoc.]

First thing i noticed from this is the structure. it was set up well and it made the flow count equal for a smooth read. rhymes werent that complex. no multies but they were descent. you should choose a specific topic so the reader has an idea what is in store. but definately potential shown throughout this peice man. keep writing bro. if you could leave some feed on my new OM i'd really appreicate it. hope to to see some new shit from you.

[efgeesus]

It’s been three days since I’ve written
Now I'M shitting lines to be put in WHEN I'M SPITTIN'
^
SEE HOW WHAT I ADDED SMOOTHS OUT THE RHYMING? DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE A LONG SENTENCE, IF IT RHYMES IT RHYMES IF IT DON'T IT DON'T, FUCK ANYONE WHO COMES IN AND IS ALL MAN YOUR LINES ARE STRETCHED. YOUR MOTHER WAS STRETCHED WHEN SHE HAD YOU BITCHES!

Into what is called philosophy for me
And I will write whateverS on my mind
Only time will tell, maybe I might fail
But next time ill try two times harder
Not to bail < IT'S LIKE YOU STOPPED MID SENTENCE THOUGH OH SHIT I CAN'T WRITE MORE THAN 3 WORDS AND WENT ONTO SOMETHING ELSE, not to get into hell

And I will ring the fuckend < ? bell
To get your attention spam that dwellING < SEE HOW LEAVING OUT THE CORRECT SPELLING MESSES UP THE WHOLE RHYTHM? A PIECE SHOULD BE FLUID TO READ, ONCE YOU'VE MASTERED SHIT.

With sounds that bounces stale
Off the walls of wells
^
NICE. COULDA EXPANDED ON THE IDEA COS THAT WAS GOOD SHIT.

But you’ve gotta ignore it
The demons inside your head
He just trying to put your though to shreds
^
TRY, ' HE'S JUST TRYING TO TURN YOUR THOUGHTS TO SHREDS
AND THEN CONTINUE (ONCE YOU GET MORE SKILLED WITH MULTIES) LIKE THIS

HE'S JUST TRYING TO TURN YOUR THOUGHTS TO SHREDS
THEY CAVORT WITH THE DEVIL, LIKE AWKWARD FEDS

When you know it just not right
Ignore it come into the lights
So you could shine so bright
You now realize your on the top of this hype
It’s doesn’t stop when you stop counting stripes
It stop when you die, so you got your whole life
^
BETTER RHYMES, TRY AND ALWAYS BE THINKING WHAT CAN I RHYME WITH THIS WORD OR THAT WORD. LIGHT/BRIGHT/RIGHT < FINE SOMETIMES DEPENDING ON CONTEXT BUT KINDA GENERIC

To realize dreams and hope to become true


links are comming, not sure when...

enjoy

grammar is still your weak point, which all things considered is a good thing.
grammar can be corrected being a garbage writer less so.

I'VE PUT GRAMMATICAL CORRECTIONS IN CAPS AND MY THOUGHTS.

stay on it!

[AlphaMetric]

hey, peace and love to you efgeesus, but plz when your feeding me, plz dont changes the lines/ exchange them for your own sugestion, doesnt look like a real feed, it's looks like if i asked you what lines can i change to make this look better, not what i want, all i want is to know what I'm doing wrong and right, and talk about the parts instead of changing it then saying your should of put or that, i dont need that, im done with that peice. so next time, only feed me plz and leave sugestions to yourself, thanks