First 2 Bomb

[Lil Pac]

BANG!
BANG!

What happened, where ya at? I just unloaded my clip
Take my hit, feel the shit as I spit a piece a steel
In your brain, feel the pain aint no game, got no shame
No regrets no remorse, go off course, but of course
I ain't no punk what you thought I wouldn't bring it?


Well I took your thought made an action and I changed it
Flipped the topic, I dropped it on yo ass feel the brass
Knocked you down on your ass, I go hard got no flash
I take care of bidness whats the need of gettin flashy
Bet you never gon try and get past me
Cuz I got you scared, shaking in your boots and shoes
Bust on these fools, teach them the rules....of the game
Remember the name, Implant it in your brain
Cuz you better run when you hear it, or get hit with a clip
But don't just listen you look, got you shook, you is paranoid
You hear the noise, bang bang look down the barrel of my 5
Or better known as my millimeter, my bitch eater, let off a clip
Yeah I bet that'll feed ya, Got you on my radar, but you still duck n hide
But I guess those were the options...... run or you die


But eventually your past catches up, what the fuck
Is your thought, got you stuck got no help cuz you helpless
Defenseless, I'm bustin senseless don't care who I hit
Cuz when I'm going I let it rip through........your skin
Here we go again.....I'm creating a sin......but who gives a fuck
I'm hell bound, it was pre-destined, so I...........
Made it difficult for your family to digest, because its hard
When you got multiple holes in your chest
Now its on you started the battle....and I'm ready for war
But I doubt after this that you're gonna want more
You're on the defense and now its clearly on
But whats gonna help you......Cuz I'm the first to bomb.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...le-371206.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ep-371272.html

[SoopSa]

hooray for gunplay and original name

[Lil Pac]

Bump for feed

[Chrit.]

This sucked.

[Lil Pac]

Well you could've at least told me what sucked about it.

[Chrit.]

What happened, where ya at? I just unloaded my clip
Take my hit, feel the shit as I spit a piece a steel
In your brain, feel the pain aint no game, got no shame
No regrets no remorse, go off course, but of course
I ain't no punk what you thought I wouldn't bring it?


Well I took your thought made an action and I changed it
Flipped the topic, I dropped it on yo ass feel the brass
Knocked you down on your ass, I go hard got no flash
I take care of bidness whats the need of gettin flashy
Bet you never gon try and get past me
Cuz I got you scared, shaking in your boots and shoes
Bust on these fools, teach them the rules....of the game
Remember the name, Implant it in your brain
Cuz you better run when you hear it, or get hit with a clip
But don't just listen you look, got you shook, you is paranoid
You hear the noise, bang bang look down the barrel of my 5
Or better known as my millimeter, my bitch eater, let off a clip
Yeah I bet that'll feed ya, Got you on my radar, but you still duck n hide
But I guess those were the options...... run or you die


But eventually your past catches up, what the fuck
Is your thought, got you stuck got no help cuz you helpless
Defenseless, I'm bustin senseless don't care who I hit
Cuz when I'm going I let it rip through........your skin
Here we go again.....I'm creating a sin......but who gives a fuck
I'm hell bound, it was pre-destined, so I...........
Made it difficult for your family to digest, because its hard
When you got multiple holes in your chest
Now its on you started the battle....and I'm ready for war
But I doubt after this that you're gonna want more
You're on the defense and now its clearly on
But whats gonna help you......Cuz I'm the first to bomb.


^^^^

that part

[Lil Pac]

Heh....ok I guess I should work on that then.

[Tha Prophet]

Well since no one wants to give you any real feedback, I will.

1. Not many people HERE are going to go for the gun-play unless you make the imagery really work for you. Use big words, throw out multisyllabic rhymes, and just take the time to make sure the flow is on. You really have to give what you are saying some meaning rather than just saying something that sounds good, but really comes out with no purpose.

2. Multisyllabic rhymes. Definitely need to expand on your line closure. Used pretty simple words and phrases. Just keep writing and you will get more comfortable and familiar with words that are more appealing. If none come to you, check a thesaurus for synonyms. I mean, this is an 'Open Mic' piece - you can spend as long as you want on it, there are no deadlines!

3. Topic, imagery, and purpose. Like I mentioned, your words seemed to just be there because they rhymed. That is exactly what you don't want to do - anyone can! Try to really paint a picture with your words, get people thinking about what you are really trying to show them. If it is guns, implant the image of that gun in their head. An example of what this would be - Lupe Fiasco "Put You On Game." Give it a listen and you will understand what I am talking about. With the right phrasing and imagery, the most basic or boring topic can become a poetic hip-hop piece.

Anyways, just ignore the previous posters since they really aren't doing shit. I don't even really know why they posted if that was what they were going to say!

[Lil Pac]

Thank you for the feed

[DoubleG]

I like the ending, lines are sick together..

I think if You added punctuation it would make the lines easier to read, and separate the ideas that lead into other ideas, rather than trying to read them as one sentence.. which makes it confusing..

for example:

"Now its on you started the battle....and I'm ready for war"
may be easier to read with a comma..
"Now its on, You started the Battle.. And I'm ready for War!"

( now that i was looking for lines, I see punctuation.. I figured i will still leave my point about punctuation in here though )

same with:

"Well I took your thought made an action and I changed it"
with Punct:
"Well I took Your thoughts, Made an Action.. and I changed it!"



I enjoyed the flow.. The rhymes leading into one-an-other..

"Remember the name, Implant it in your brain"

after reading from the start of the Writing, and seeing some of the style.. Game, Name, Brain.. Just seemed to flow well together, and Tight.. Making me think " Yeea " in my head as I read it..

And then again with the closing line.. Very nice.. Keep Shining