The Land of Living Skies (Will RTF)

[P. Mortuus]

Sorry it took me so long to get to this but yeah better late then never.This piece has some feel that I can feel if you know what I mean.So me personaly loved this piece.You didnt try anything to complexed you stayed pretty simple which is great some time.Your rhyme scheme was a nice usage of shit.The emotion and imagery in this piece was very well worked out so yeah heres your feed hope you enjoyed.Hit up my piece for me.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nd-371730.html

[Jawn Raw]

cool. up

[Spoken]

This was definetly a personal piece that stood out with great emotion that no other person can relate cause ugh...they aint you. lmfao but i can understand ya know....anyways dude....this piece was structred simplistic but the meaning and way of words and meaning is definatly above par and at this level dude i think you have found your touch and nac of getting people to read...but i aint a huge fan of rhyming though poems do rhyme aswell but i just aint all that on rhyming....as i have sayed a million times it holds back from actually expressing with words how you feel....cause yo have this burden in you that you have to hyme the ending lmfao...anyways dude nice poem dude props on elevating man


hit this link
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ia-372148.html

[Jawn Raw]

^i feel you, but i found rhyming helps the flow. especially the flow of the read.

[Spoken Deity]

I ment to say something on this awhile ago... BUt i didnt...but here I am...

This piece is filled with emotion... The power that comes from your writing literally makes you stop and reflect on life. The imagery was brilliant. It was as if you painted it and simply had a title undernieth. So good...
The structure and rhyming made it easy to read... Ders may not dig rhyming, but its a big part of my style aswell. So I really think it helps keep the reader interested and adds something beautiful to the flow when you say it out loud.
This is a great drop...People needs to read this to see what poetry is.
Loved it
hit ma sig?

[Jawn Raw]

thanks a lot man, sounds like it was pure enough for a nom? thats what i think people sleepin on. regardless the reason why Open Mic and Poetic Scriptures shouldn't be deivided, they should be the way forum.

[Harvey Dent]

Really nice read man, the emotion was really close to the chest seeing as you used REAL LIFE feelings -- inserted them into your brain cells and then typed what you wanted to. Real nice. Again, emotionally on point. Imagery was pretty dope too, a lot of vivid/visual lines that stood out quite a bit more then others. Wording was pretty straight, nothing too complex and nothing too elementary. Flowed well at that. Pretty creative drop, original read. Keep typing/writing.

[....Gone.]

Very descriptive i could feel the emotion in it and how you felt about your land homie I liked it actually imagery was good keep at it

[Jawn Raw]

this should be nominated regardless of what ders thinks because ders is a idiot sometimes ok ders so run away now friend because you know this deserves it.

[Messiah.]

Good piece i enjoyed it, there was a great mood about it and it really felt from the heart as i read through it. Your emotion was very nice and your imagery good aswell. Your use of language i thought was great and the wording worked with the piece very well, as i said it felt like the piece has a very special meaning to yourself which is always nice as it helps get in the zone. Great piece man thanks for the read, hit this please...

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-376220.html

-Messy.

[Jawn Raw]

thanks yo. up feedback will be returned.

[Varentao]

Okay, i thought this started off well. I liked how you approached it, free flowing but not all over the place like so many pieces on here can be
But then it began to get tangled up in itself. The lines became more deliberate, the meaning and feeling wasn't quite as evocative. Like writers
fatigue was kicking in. But even then you can see you have a decent pen.

Below:


the native studies’ is eloquent
to the gifted student.

^^Not sure whether this is a good or bad line. Are YOU the good student? If you are, it's too conceited and self-righteous i think. If not,
then it's a good line.


but its formed an connotation.

^^Just grammatical and it stood out. Should be '..a connotation'.

There’s a lot of racism,
but the bigots are profound,
cause if you’re fat like a cow;
You’re spotted on the ground.

^^I'm not sure why the bigots are 'profound'. Am i missing something?

and the wrath is a plead.

^^Sounds like it should be '...wrath is a plea.'.


It was good, deffo something to build on.

[Jawn Raw]

Below:


the native studies’ is eloquent
to the gifted student.

^^Not sure whether this is a good or bad line. Are YOU the good student? If you are, it's too conceited and self-righteous i think. If not,
then it's a good line.

you should probably relate some of that to the line coming before that or after, there's a little creative jesters to it. but from just that line there, native studies is a class you can take in school, eloquent means 'expressing yourself effectively' meaning the student is expressing his self as a smart person.


but its formed an connotation.

^^Just grammatical and it stood out. Should be '..a connotation'.

i totally shouldn't have used that, i didn't know what i was thinking. doesn't even make sense to me.

There’s a lot of racism,
but the bigots are profound,
cause if you’re fat like a cow;
You’re spotted on the ground.

^^I'm not sure why the bigots are 'profound'. Am i missing something?

i'm making statements about my province basically. racist is a bigot but a bigot is more just a dislike to another rather than hating them with passion.
the cow line was filler, i tried to go for a metaphor with the spotted shit, cause we have lots of cows in my province. I have friends that do retarded shit to them like stab them and shit haha.

and the wrath is a plead.

^^Sounds like it should be '...wrath is a plea.'.

you're right.


It was good, deffo something to build on.

thanks for all the feed man, if i really wanted to make this better i could, it would just take a little editing.

[Varentao]

^Dude, i know what the words means. But i still don't get half of it.

Still, you say it was a quick write, so there's gonna be mistakes and all that. Fair play.

[CALIPH80]

ok i've known you a long time and i see vast improvedment in you after coming back after so long.your poem flows smoothly almost like you can hear a music behind it.in some parts you tend to try and push the imagery too much and therefore end up cracking the picture you are creating.you bring accross a beautiful image when you do let yourself go.this is a good poem overall do to that.try to let your words flow a little bit more natural is the only advice i can give you because you seem to have the rest.