User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: The Steak Out

  1. #1
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,692
    Battle Record
    35-10
    Awards 25+ Wins

    The Steak Out



    The Steak Out

    A man with a vicious mentality to enforce the law
    was introduced to such a mischievous women.
    He was to timid to gather his insufficient strength,
    as he was afraid to approach her & ask for a number.
    He had a daily routine to watch in front of her house,
    sitting in his ghost car; awaiting her slumber.
    So he could sneak in while she was zoned out,
    and there’s no doubt, he was infatuated with
    her dearest snooze. He realized his passion for
    her nearest boob but instead of disturbing her rest.
    He recognized her stress as she moaned in her dreams,
    She quickly arose! Screaming in fear as she was awakened
    from the strong scent of cologne. She was petrified
    of his odor as she frightened him to run in fear.
    But on his way out, he stumbled across the refrigerator
    visualizing a giant plate covered by a T-Bone steak.
    He snatched it, realizing it’s raw texture, he was
    infatuated yet again but for a moment he would take.
    So he could gobble on his new lover...
    ...A piece of medium-rare T-Bone steak.
    Last edited by Jawn Raw; May 16th, 2008 at 12:13 AM

  2. #2
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,692
    Battle Record
    35-10
    Awards 25+ Wins
    Last edited by Jawn Raw; May 16th, 2008 at 01:10 AM

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    1,059
    Battle Record
    2-4

    Re: The Steak Out

    Nice piece here, but this almost seemed like prose. I think you need to refine your poetic technique, and make it more, er, poetic...because this seems like a story I.e. Narrative Poetry, which is an actual form of poetry, but this is almost like Prose poetry, and it kind of drags on and takes away from the piece. But other than that minor gripe, this was a very captivating piece, that caught the reader's attention quickly, and told a good story. Could use some minor revision, but I enjoyed it. Sorry for shit feed.

  4. #4
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,692
    Battle Record
    35-10
    Awards 25+ Wins

    Re: The Steak Out

    its cool, what do you mean by prose though. i think i understand what you mean by my style. i'll try changing my style up.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5

    Re: The Steak Out

    lol...pretty good, the technique was a bit off-putting, so i reckon you could of had a more fluid rhythm, coz the verse seemed a bit stiff, though u did have a couple of nice imagery effects, which probaly would of stood out better with smoother crafting of the verse.
    was a good idea portrayed though, sort of like horror meets comedy, made me laugh neways

    pz

    check out mine i wrote in a couple of minutes just now online
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...rs-368336.html
    .................................................. ......................

  6. #6
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,692
    Battle Record
    35-10
    Awards 25+ Wins

    Re: The Steak Out

    humor wise?

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5

    Re: The Steak Out

    Quote Originally Posted by Para. View Post
    humor wise?


    He realized his passion for
    her nearest boob

    So he could gobble on his new lover
    .................................................. ......................

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5

    Re: The Steak Out

    Quote Originally Posted by Para. View Post
    humor wise?


    He realized his passion for
    her nearest boob

    So he could gobble on his new lover
    .................................................. ......................

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    UK
    Age
    35
    Posts
    20,486
    Battle Record
    37-7
    Awards Legendary Member PC HOF OM HOF PS Season champ SS HW Champion 25+ Wins

    Re: The Steak Out

    Nice drop here glad to see you putting grandeza on the map.This had the poetic techniques that a lot of people dropping in PS doesn't have as of lately so big ups on that part of the piece. Al;so the imagery was nice along with a pretty unique take on the topic.Everything about this piece seemed fresh and refreshing.Could've did it better myself sorry for the short amount of feed pressed for time today.....But please rtf by hitting the like I'll leave under its my personal favorite.


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post6386417
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  10. #10
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    33
    Posts
    5,692
    Battle Record
    35-10
    Awards 25+ Wins

    Re: The Steak Out

    word i'll hit that now, people keep feedin, leave links too!

Similar Threads

  1. How to fucking cook a steak
    By M.F Jones in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: October 12th, 2011, 04:28 AM
  2. Steak tartare!
    By Born To Kill in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 301
    Last Post: May 3rd, 2006, 03:38 PM
  3. Beef Or Steak
    By Endeva. in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 96
    Last Post: October 15th, 2004, 05:11 PM
  4. chiken or steak
    By PROOF in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: February 12th, 2004, 05:29 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •