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Thread: Survivor Allowance

  1. #1
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Survivor Allowance

    Survivor Allowance

    Heavy hands hold the strings attached.
    they pull pain ebbing to snuffs out all facts
    His face curls up and his pupils dilate
    like a fire struck his young face
    Survivor allowance keeps his cash afloat
    soaked with the blood of his father.
    to crack and turn the sickening brown color
    and seep deeper into his wounds
    leaving more than a scar but a
    troubled soul, screened by a curtain call

    yet life was still there bubbling from the gash
    with hands folded over his mouth
    and screams muffled by music
    his hair a haggard mess and his motives
    a torn misshapen beast he calls "fate"
    Irreversible to the core,
    though the blow softens, as lips brush his ear
    and whispers catch his mood
    and holds it suspended in the air
    but when left alone again he seeps back
    in a valley where the shadows open up
    lurking under the cliffs, that life etched out
    this all sets it off, magnetically pulling that depression
    forever tarnished from the beginning to the end

    This is the way he thrives
    he eats the darkness and molds new frontiers
    shape-shifting his soul into oblivion where
    in the middle of a makeshift hell, he crafts tranquility
    can you relate?
    ignorance is bliss, so i don't blame yourself if you can't.
    and he envy's the ones that can't
    like the fruit Eve took without hesitation,
    reeking ever so softly of innocence,
    id take the same substance and crush it under my foot
    and laugh in Adams face for not knowing that...
    variety is the true fruit of life.

    Redefined with nature by association
    he named himself a child of passion and earth
    putting soil beneath his tongue
    and exhaling as a plant does
    wind shifting life into this shell of a man
    scraping his face and rekindling the fire hidden within
    when all feels lost and misshapen,
    and that it will never change,
    bear the tragedy with pride
    and afterwards recline in thought
    As often brutal as truth is....
    find laughter stuck between the lines
    even the oldest crippled soul can smile
    READ MORE

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    well it's fucking long i'll say that much for starters..lol

    i can only read some of it right now, so fuck u , u fucking headcase, hehe

    Redefined with nature by association
    he named himself a child of passion and earth
    putting soil beneath his tongue
    and exhaling as a plant does
    wind shifting life into this shell of a man
    scraping his face and rekindling the fire hidden within
    when all feels lost and misshapen,
    and that it will never change,
    bear the tragedy with pride
    and afterwards recline in thought
    As often brutal as truth is....
    find laughter stuck between the lines
    even the oldest crippled soul can smile

    pretty nice, the rythym seemed to go a bit off on a couple of lines, wording and vocab was coolio, i reckon some punctuation marks would of defined this long piece a bit more,
    you displayed some dope poetry though , and i was quite impressed, seems that when you dig deep into your crazy head some deep intelectual poetry is tapped into, haha

    keep up

    1
    .................................................. ......................

  3. #3
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Last edited by Twixn...; May 13th, 2008 at 11:22 PM
    READ MORE

  4. #4
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    up??

    guess i'll have to spread some love before i get some .
    READ MORE

  5. #5
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    this was a sick piece, start off a little slow but it picked up really quick. I enjoyed your word choice and your imagery, theres some really creative parts throughout this piece. also a very interesting topic too, nice. only real thing i could say you could do different is add periods and camas cause i dont know when to pause, it's like pause at the end of every line i guess, kind of had me confused with the flow of the piece. overall nice drop man.

    rtf
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...29-367706.html

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    yea, i just read the rest as well,, and i still like the final stanza best,though you did have some interesting parts earlier on, i liked the shapeshifting soul
    section, and laughing in Adams face
    so all in all a poem of substance, just rhythm n flow could of been sharpened up a bit,
    is a well good piece
    pz
    .................................................. ......................

  7. #7
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    up?
    READ MORE

  8. #8
    Conquering Lion Prince Escobar's Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    Hmm, it was kind of long but once i got into it you managed to hold my attention with ease. You had a lot of good illustrative lines in there but i think that by making the piece a bit more concise you would have been able to get across the same ideas without drawing the piece out and making it so wordy. Overall a nice read though, i'll have to come back to it later but the last line left an impression which i liked. Keep writing man, 1luv.
    Laying face down in the mainstream.
    Po.Ethics.

  9. #9
    ...nxiwT Twixn...'s Avatar
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    Re: Survivor Allowance

    ^ thanks man

    hook me a link with a pm if you want some feed on something.
    READ MORE

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