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Thread: Eternity at Bloom

  1. #1
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Eternity at Bloom

    Eternity at Bloom
    By HighEngineChief

    If heaven was a blooming flower, pollen bursting out in showers,
    Raining prolific seeds along the fertile fields that shield my heart,
    Then the bee's(who can't fly - but do) supply my soul with Zion's food;
    Blessed bee's, your wings protrude my faith, fluttering through and far;
    Blooming flower soothing scars of sin that bruise my uncouth heart.

    If one drew marks of milky chalk, around my fleshy mortal parts,
    Could you trace my history and show me how to find a clue?
    As the shadow of life devours, every sanctimonious dastard -(coward)
    Trait or trickle of a trace of fear, I find I have no truth;
    Milky chalk to find I've moved, blinded by light - no sign of clues.

    Is death that bad, will I die like you? Wild eyed; Too tired to move?
    Contradicting myself coldly, or boldly contending the lonely hours?
    When Winter accrue's the stems will arch and die; defied by dark,
    And the angles pried apart from paradise, will ride - on a pedal outward;
    Outward toward Forever Tower planted on plains never encountered.

    Or maybe I believe the seeds alive; the way the bee's believe the sky,
    Swimming in the blue and white oils, pastel spoils to cornice night.
    A flower opening up to breath the meritorious air of Je...
    ..Sus, (water to wine?) if you're inclined; Holy Ghost - haunt my plight.
    Frighten my demons from wrong to right until my shadow belongs to light.

    Confused again, opposite to bright; Who am I and what's in sight?
    No sign or clue unless the truth is hiding behind the maple leafs;
    Behind the green apron lies, enough earthly grace to fill your eyes,
    Life and life itself the prize, the critters crawling in benevolent leaps;
    Scurrying scales of bark in seams of rotting wood; the simple dream.

    Fuck the clue... I found the truth!

    But surrounding youth is fickle dreams, pointless aspiration gleams
    On the face of time, without rhyme; life slips and slides far and wide,
    And the Winter is not polite; through withering green and stems alight,
    Death is death, life is life, and all you love to the dirt subsides;
    The absolute truth, void of proof but all that moves knows deep inside.

    If heaven was a blooming flower, pollen bursting into showers,
    Then life is like the roots beneath it, and God's the Sun, and I'm -
    A seed.













    Last edited by HighEngineChief; April 25th, 2008 at 10:21 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Poetic Mind Standard Issue's Avatar
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    Re: Eternity at Bloom

    WOW! I really love the whole vibe of this piece as far as re-imagining life and religion through nature. Some very Pagan ideas mixed with traditional Judeo-Christian concepts as well. As far as the topic goes, I think you really hit it on the head with your depiction of natural elements, juxtaposed with the religious aspects. The writing, well. You started out kind of rocky, but about halfway through the second stanza I really caught the vibe and began to get into the rhythm of the piece. The changing rhymes, accompanied with some great parallels and repetition really helped to center this poem and keep the focus where you wanted. Imagery was on point. I really enjoyed the line about everything that we are subsiding to dirt. Such a beautiful image and explanation of death. Ashes to ashes. Again, I would focus on ironing out the first stanza or two to make it a bit more smooth of an intro and then just really work on keeping this same level of language in the rest of the poem.
    "Dying Is An Art"
    -Sylvia Plath

    Not really. Save the song
    the sickle sings, we expire the same: lights out.
    -- Ross Gay, "Dying Is An Art"


  4. #4
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    Re: Eternity at Bloom

    Well, first of all, I'd like to say that the imagery really stood out in this piece. The way you related religion to nature was a very unique take on the subject. The vocabulary was pretty nice here. I'm not a real fan of repetition myself, but it seemed to go smoothly in this piece. Overall, this was a decent piece right here. We should collab sometime.

    Hit this up with some feed

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-366752.html

  5. #5
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Eternity at Bloom

    ^^I got you
    Uppin

  6. #6
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Eternity at Bloom

    uppin

  7. #7

    Re: Eternity at Bloom

    I must say, I thought this was going to better than it should have been, because I felt you could have done a bit more with your topic, this was decent don't get me wrong but you imagery just wasn't standing out the way it should have been and there really weren't as many stand out couplets as I'd like to see, though I thought you went good on an emotional type genre, though your pattern through me off at times, I know you can do better, so step it up in your next piece buddy.
    Open Minded.

    Gold

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