The singing mute.

[Orc]

..

Lend me your ignorant ears;
My fellow slightly-gentle-men.
Let the sweat stumble from your brow and embrace you
Like a womans touch never has.
Allow my sing-song words to weave themselves
Around your opinions, cocooning
Your very mental, state.
Open your eyes to the carnage
Tucked away like your own mothers
Archaic habits. Triumphant as we are -
We waltz to a dangerous tune,
Acoustic arrogance coupled with
An instrumental livelihood;
The universe awaits my Grand Finale.

Voiceless; I see that which is
Cloaked in invisibility; smothered in stark
Familiarity. I reach the highest notes possible
And ride them towards the stars;
Oxymoron's eclipse the old cliches
Which spring to mind, A victim of life -
I'm trapped within the music itself.
Sightless; the troubles of the world
Are placed upon my shoulders
Like Atlas himself.

I am truth, as my disability renders me
Lie-less, ironically: a stand up guy.
Attend my extravaganza, as wickedly
Portrayed as a witches potion.
Eye of newt; served on a mortal-platter with
The death of humanity. The perfect antidote to
Speech. My muted opinions form cysts on the
Face of humanity like cancers.

You see right through me; enveloped in transparency
As though beneath a waterfall.
The music in my head falters and stumbles yet
My intentions waver not, as stone-like as
The heart of God himself.
Without acclaim;
My song ends, as quietly as it began.
Greeted with applause as silent as myself.

..

[Orc]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-365861.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ca-366208.html

[Ntalek]

First off this piece was very well written...your wording in this was Dopey..the way you approached the topic/take/concept was good also...you had a significant amount of emotion...and the wording and vocab brought out tons of imagery...I also liked how everything ties up at the end or the way you ended it..really made the emotion hit home..so overall nice job on a great write..

[Poeta Demonio]

Okay, first thing i noticed from the first line is that you could have elabortated fuether to make the metaphor make more sense and actually make a point out of a line... for instance, "lend me your ignorant ears..."...'so i can hear societies last words'... Not an actual example obviously, but i felt it just lacked somewhat. Individually, they were great lines, absolutely beautiful... such as the "allow my sing song words weave themselves around your opinions" line, that was real nice, but it didn't seem to fit gogether, i kept having to take a break to take in the last part and carry on dicyphering the rest of the piece as i went along, so for me it wasn't smooth in that sense. I used to do the same, just put words and words, and metaphors and metaphors without linking them together well, but then i kind of just realized, fuck what these other guys think is dope... i just decided to write for myself and get my OWN meaning across, and not make it complex for the sake of making it complex, and i still kept the metas, but just allowed them to make sense and stay relivant to the rest of the piece. But that's just me man. I really enjoyed the piece and the meaning behind the piece... So yeah, the lines on their own are quality, but as a whole it just didn't flow well for me... when i read a piece i like to be just taken.. you know dragged from my own world and forced into the writers mind... but i just had to sit here and work it out bit by bit. I'd suggest maybe trying to ease back on the metas for a while until you can use them properly, and then add them back into your style if you choose. Nice job though man.

[Orc]

Thanks mate. I used a lot of metas/similes because that's what the fags in IE vote for, lol. But yeah, appreciated!

Hit me up for a collab, when you get time.