Goddamn you're gorgeous

[Neruda II]

i don't usually like posting this type of thing up but ill just do it


Still you,
because only you can
yes...miss, only you.
Charm is difficult
especially when facing you
because you can,
make me miss the letter M.
And adore my own rambling
because it somehow has the ability
of letting you manifest a sense of
comfort in my dorkiest of facts.
Listen,
I'm sorry to be so glaring
BUT YOU ARE GORGEOUS
NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT.
I stand by that like I do my own skeleton,
I will fight for that fact,
I will write for that fact,
and I am preciously reminded of that fact
every time I pick up a comic book
or listen to my favorite song
or think of a metaphor
or light up a cigarette
even when I stare at the sun
and close my eyes quickly to see its outlines float away.
Ah, and this isn't some sort of quasi-stalker love poem
Naw, I'm odd enough as it is.
This is more like what I wish I could provide
more like gratitude and cheesecake
like if I could simplify two weeks of healing
and hiding,
and wondering,
and just figure out how many BBQ sunflower seeds
it would take to spell out the words "Your happiness ____"
and let you fill in the gap.
You might have tossed me out of your mind weeks ago
and that's fine, who could blame ya?
I'm not much to look at
and probably more annoying than charismatic.
But if you haven't, you should know
you're pretty much irreplaceable
and a hug from you makes my day.
I know that you've made everyone proud,
and one day you're going to know that too
one day you're going to find your soul mate
one day you're going to buy a real Warhol moo cow
one day you're going to be in an indepent film by Michel Gondry
one day you're going to drive down your favorite street
playing Feelin' it in a Beetle
one day,
you're going to let go of whatever troubles you have
and I'll watch, with more inspiration than ever
as you fill in
whatever your happiness may be

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...gh-366057.html
my collab with LedgenZ, think you can return the favor sharp?



Alright, so you admitted that you don't like writing like this. And I can kind of see why, it's not as good as a lot of the other shit you post up... but there are still lines I like, and elements you worked well with. For example, some of the wording seemed very lacklustered... like you didn't even think it through very long and just wrote the first thing that came to mind without revising or rewording. But in other lines, I felt you spent a slight bit of more time thinking over. I felt that your emotion was really straight forward, and sometimes that's good.. sometimes it's bad. In this read, it was good. The concept didn't require that much emotion to be thought about.. it comes from the heart. And you focused well with it. Imagery was only decent in this read, I felt there were nice visuals, I felt there were feeble visuals. Nothing that can bring a piece up or down. All in all, it is nowhere near your best. But still a enjoyable read. Keep writing man.

[Rah Gwahn]

Wtf WOW

OH SHIT

^^^SHUT UP

Probably one of the best things i've read by you in a looooooong ass while man.

I mean, the personality you come across with in this piece even made MY heart swell up, I can FEEL the appreciation in this writing and it makes me want to say so many things to my own 'her' in just as much honesty as you use here. There were so many 'to the point' lines, that were immensely effective. This has inspired me beyond belief mate, especially with the phase i'm going through recently.
I just can't get over the obviousness and simplicity in this line, that on it's own proves all of RB wrong about over the top, fancy similes:
"I stand by that like I do my own skeleton"
That line's genius and so perfectly worded, and in context it works unflawed.
The way it's written down is more of a personal preference from you, so I can't and won't knock it, but it does seem a little choppy in a few places, for instance:
"Listen,
I'm sorry to be so glaring
BUT YOU ARE GORGEOUS
NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT."

I don't know why but I don't like it in there. It seems to be a shortfallen concept that could have had a little rework before you posted this up, or maybe even just say it 'smaller' instead of take up 3 lines of outspoken uppercase. By the way don't get me wrong, I'm not missing the point nor disrespecting the intent, I know that a part of you is saying 'Yes, i'm annoying sometimes but KNOW THAT I ADORE YOU' and it's supposed to be slightly confrontational - but it seems to be a common thing to say to the woman, it seems to be 'filler' in the context of making the entire piece your heartspill from start to finish, know what I'm saying?
Although the leeway I have with it, is understanding that it's all about that approach; with dumbass men and head-in-the-clouds females. Dogs barking at cats.
I don't know, just that one bit I have to say doesn't entirely fit for me.

Either way i'm actually really tired and rambling now - I guess my whole post was supposed to say thanks for the read, I seriously enjoyed this and it's given me a huge drive to write something similar. I know I shouldn't though because it's too overtempting to work out right

Drop a comment on my latest, near the top, it's not much but it probably came from the same feeling. Thanks man.

[LedgenZ]

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but this piece had Sharp written all over it. In fact, I could damn near hear your voice while reading it. Anyway, what I liked most about this poem is how natural it was. It's like you described the process of being in love/infactuation to a T. As if the most random, everyday, inanimate objects remind you of that one special person. Like no matter what you're thinking about, it somehow becomes about "her." Trust me man, I've been there. Anyway, that's what I liked about this piece -- I was able to connect to your content and relate it to things I've done in my own personal past.

Anyway, you have a real knack for being able to turn your readers into a part of your poems. And to me, that's impressive. But, yo, great job. Pz

[HighEngineChief]

This was pretty good, I liked the str8 forward diction of the piece, the word choices in places seemed a little dull but then you always had a witty concept behind it. I liked the emotion so to say that I could feel the words in my stomach as I read them, everything clicked well and you caried your thoughts consistantly through out the piece. Only thing I would say is play with the words and techniques a little more, I KNOW you can. Good read

RTF, it's the damned one, you'll see it

[Prince Escobar]

It trickled on nicely, maintaining...or better yet increasing my interest as i read on and further grasped the subject. As always i loved the way you interjected your tone in this piece, taking time to splice in comments such as "Ah, and this isn't some sort of quasi-stalker love poem
Naw, I'm odd enough as it is.
This is more like what I wish I could provide
more like gratitude and cheesecake" --Loved it! that part jumped off the screen to me, and as the piece went on it only picked up momentum. One qualm i have with it is something that Varentao used to blather about in the old RB days. He said i used to interject too many proper nouns and that citing people like Warhol or Michael Gondry took away from the timelessness of the piece. I can see in a small way what he meant reading this because i felt lost in it...and when i read those few lines it almost brought me back to reality. (Hard to explain so pardon if i'm rambling) None the less i enjoyed this piece man, as i do all of your works. Keep it up, elevation is key.

1luv.