Never Expected You

[Carmella.]

I sat there close to you,
Just to feel your touch.
My heart bursts in to flames,
cause I love you so much.

I am scared you'll leave me,
once we fight a big fight.
And I can't live with out you,
during the day or night.
.
But here it goes a true poem,
about how our marriage is.
Its not too bad or even sad,
but its almost exactly like this.

I trust you with all my heart,
Just not those girls.
I know you could do so much better,
and that’s what I fear.

Some guy hits on me,
and it pisses you off.
But when a girl hits on you,
its baby brush it off.

I am tired of playing their game,
I am not one to throw the first pitch.
I do have a tempter of hate,
and a reputation of a bitch.

We haven’t been through it all,
But I won’t let our relationship crash and fall,
I have the world that lays beside me at night,
And to lose that is what I strongly fright.

We’ve been together through so much,
But I’m scared I’m gunna piss you off and such,
Cause I know that IF we break up again,
There are no more chances it will be the end.

But I guess you will never understand,
How I truly feel bout you…Damn,
I just want you to know…
That I will NEVER ever let you go,
Keep that stained to mind babe.



All My Love,
Marisa <3

[p O e T i Q u E]

I see what you are talking about and it's a good poem, but i don't really feel the emotion in this poem when reading it. The rhyming seems forced and the vocabulary is weak. All together it was a good poem in idea and structure. It just seems like it's not really felt.

[Rah Gwahn]

^What?

It's a personal poem, what's more felt than that? Emotion doesn't always come in a package of big, over-exaggerated words, if anything - the more simple the line, the more the emotive side of the lines can have an impact because it's not clustered by mess.

Try actually thinking about what's written instead of reading once and judging the overall instantly.

Regardless, this wasn't too intense, I'd think that writing personal love poetry would be more 'personal' in the lines of actually directing it towards him. This felt more like it could be featured on a dating-advice site, or one of those girly 'valentines ideas' sites. It's not direct, it's universally understandable by anybody. Everybody can relate to it with ease, which in one sense is good - if you're writing to the audience, but on the other hand, it takes away the personal impact that it might have on whoever you're writing it to.

Next time you write a personal poem like this, try dedicating your thoughts more to the target of your writing rather than the content, and you'll see that a difference of more genuinely pleasing ideas will pop up.

If you're writing so that RB has an insight into your relationship, then this is cool. But, if you're writing a love poem to a loved one - it needs more love than simple lyrics that could be applied to any relationship.

There were some nice, thoughtful lines such as 'if a guy hits on me'. That stanza was pretty appreciable, whether it's a universal relation or not, it's directly telling your partner how you feel and using a 'this and that' technique in your poetry to achieve it.

Also, seeing as how you went for a structure in this poem, it would have been much more interesting to see a form used, maybe haiku verses; they're simple, common and also quite artistic in the way of word placement/choice. Surely that would make the writing so much more romantic - more effort is more love.

Nice work for the most part, it's all I have to say really. Leave some love on 'By and By I Fly' if you will, thanks.

[Carmella.]

Yeah I will And thanks your the first person to tell me HOW to fix my faults...But the was an old poem from like when I first started writing still I also did it real quick so its all good I dont care that much bout this one...Im going to be dropping another one that I just did Quick too...Try to hit that up too please...I really like the feed you give..Thanks.