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Thread: Once Upon a time...

  1. #1
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Once Upon a time...

    Once Upon a time...

    By James W.


    As I pass through the glass
    Into wonderland; I’ll…
    Steal little boy blues horn
    And play a song that makes
    The old woman in the shoe
    Reach down deep in her sole,
    And sing a song that would
    Tame the giant on top of the beanstalk
    So Jack could steal the gold harp
    And harmonize with the beat
    Of the ocean so Poseidon
    Is appeased and not sinking
    Odysseus’ ship during his journey.

    So he can walk through the garden
    And trample Mary’s flowers
    But to Mary is quite contrarily
    Thinking “at least he missed
    The lettuce patch.” So the…
    Easter bunny can eat his snack
    Before he treaded up the stair case
    Into the dark castle where he took
    The wrong turn into the kitchen.

    He was found strapped to the table
    Next to the gingerbread man
    With a cook book laying next to
    Their heads with a bubbling
    Cauldron. The wicked witch
    Is seen in the corner staring
    Into the mirror with a face
    “Mirror, Mirror on the wall
    Who’s the sickest of them all?”

    At the same time Snow White
    Ate her last apple; sleeping,
    And the Queen of hearts
    Asked the King for a divorce
    Saying that his full house
    Is not enough to please her.

    That her flush is not really
    Straight it’s the same
    As a 4 of a kind
    That she fell in love
    With Goldie Locks
    Who is no longer a slave
    Of the three bears
    Because she was freed

    By the sneaky Cheshire cat
    Whose evanescent smile
    Turned the brown bears grey
    Scaring them away
    So the Queen could come in
    And sweep Goldie of off her feet
    To a far away land so they can
    Be alone and finally live
    Happily ever after.

  2. #2
    Laughing at you Know-It-All's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a time...


  3. #3
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a time...

    I thought it was rather corny.. but it's was quality. My only major complaint was where you broke your stanzas and sentences, it obvious you were trying to keep it structured and tidy, but that made it really anti reader friendly. Other than those gripes, I thought it was good, and rather creative. Although, use of poetic devices such as similies/metaphors would make for a more entertaining read. I can't stress that enough, but thanks for writing this, quite interesting.

    Hit up;
    A Pawns Worth.

  4. #4
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Re: Once Upon a time...

    I have to agree with nath on this one, that it was a bit corny, and your break of stanza proved poor judgement also adding to which, 90% of this piece was basically pre-written by the movies/stories themselves...only slightly did u add your own spin to the stories minus the fact you creatively meshed them all into one fairytale on steroids..the idea was interesting, and creative however i just think you could of ran with this concept to really bring in some abstract wilde metaphores etc..and could of made this far better..it was good on a creative point..but the piece itself was lacking...

    rtf.
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  5. #5
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Awards 25+ Wins

    Re: Once Upon a time...

    ok this was a cool piece, played topic but i still enjoyed the read. the wording was pretty precise and the imagery wasn't bad. this seemed to much of a story though. the emotion was good and it was an overall pretty good read. nice job.

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