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Thread: A Pawns Worth.

  1. #1
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    A Pawns Worth.

    Nathics then Burden.

    I'm a slave to mankind.
    A mindless pawn.
    My hair is in knots,
    held together by hard, dry dirt
    as I search for an answer;
    The battlefield is death
    to the fullest degree -
    all common knowledge is lost.
    luxuries are the last
    things on our minds, and survival
    is a family trait. Confusion.
    Let me take a knife and literally
    cut your beating heart out
    and tie it to my sleeve,
    so I can feel your broken heart bleed.
    But, I have no power in this war.
    I'm just a children's toy to you.
    Dispose of me as you wish, my queen.
    I'll fight on, and never back down
    like a tom petty tune was floating
    in the gentle breeze. The calm
    before the storm I suppose.
    Prepare yourselves men,
    is shouted like it was announced over
    a speaker. I run my calloused finger tip
    over the individual cracks in the broken
    ground, pondering why I ever left home.
    The salty breeze, and the cool touch
    of the blue ocean. My family, friends,
    even my dog is so cherished to me.
    But fuck it. I'm battle hardened -
    and war is upon us.

    I make my move:

    The enemy's repertoire is hidden
    Pitch black, amongst the brutally bloodied,
    A thoroughly cryptic code;
    Expressionless, their faces are wooden.
    Inscrutable - The Dark King himself
    Is steadily poised, as still as a photograph.
    His lesser soldiers advance with
    An air of poignant finality which, strangely,
    Leaves me gasping for breath.
    We collide, shaking heaven and
    Tickling earth. A stalemate thus far,
    We have each felled six soldiers,
    Neither of us depleting the other King's cattle.
    My wounded gaze wanders, unabashed;
    Landing upon the impassive
    Guise of my very own Sire, he is
    As emotionless as ever, torturing the Queens
    Heart. A thousand deaths upon him.
    Alas; with graceful poise I persevere,
    Effortlessly disposing of lowly vagabonds.
    The weapon of choice; my head.
    The Dark King moves forward
    Fluently; with a sense of occasion -
    Flourishing in the treacherous air.
    He raises his immortal blade to
    Hastily dispose of me;
    Fortunately; It is my turn, enraptured, I may move..
    Yet I do not; For out the corner of my eye,
    I see my beautiful Queen: ready to pounce
    After he takes me. His sword falls..
    I am rendered useless by the blow;
    A wretched mass of splinters - and then
    Nothing. In despair I whisper;
    Checkmate.
    Last edited by Märtyr; April 9th, 2008 at 12:33 PM

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Dyl's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    I actually quite liked this, it made a quite relaxing read actually and I loved how you worked with the topic, it was done in a very clever way.Some great imagery in there too.

    The enemy's repertoire is hidden
    Pitch black, amongst the brutally bloodied,
    A thoroughly cryptic code;
    Expressionless, their faces are wooden.
    Inscrutable - The Dark King himself
    Is steadily poised, as still as a photograph


    ^That there was some serious imagery right there loved every word.It was so fluid and smooth, and wasn't anything over the top.I'd leave more feed man but i'm just off out soon, but great read right here....props

    -Dyl
    Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper?
    On his way down past each floor,he kept saying to reassure himself
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....
    So far so good.....

    But how you fall doesn't matter
    Its how you land

  3. #3
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    Thanks mate!
    LOL

  4. #4
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    Bump. It'd be nice if some people returned the feed.
    LOL

  5. #5
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    Nath -

    This was dope, i loved the dialoge and the rythm was very on point. It felt like the last page in a soldiers journal or something, very well written with some nice devices. This was a great start of the piece, the heart on the sleeve part was pulled off amazingly, i didn't know you had that kind of range so it's nice to see your obvious talents.

    Burd -

    I loved the metaphores in this, they were very blunt and not stretched out but still managed to be witty. I liked that you took a different approach on the topic but still made it relevent to Nath's piece. Most of all i loved the fucking end, it was great, the wording was perfect.

    Great work both of you

    Hit up my piece Lonely Clockwork

  6. #6
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...he-365578.html
    Hit that up for me dude[s], it's a dope read. Trust me.


    The flow got a little choppy in the middle of Nathic's verse. But other then that it was a cool verse. Your wording was really something, seemed that you knew exactly where your choices and placement would attend. And in the end, it worked out for you. Imagery was pretty damn visual [going for both writers] Both had pretty vivid uses of descriptives.. and it came out pretty dope. Emotion came off a tad bit better in Burden's read then Nath's.. but they were both great. In the end, was nearly a flawless written, if it wasn't for the edgy flow from Nath's middle entry. Keep it up gentlemen.
    Last edited by Soule; April 10th, 2008 at 08:17 PM

  7. #7
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    dude? this is a collab. perhaps feed on both?

  8. #8
    Soule
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    Oh shit, didn't see that rofl.. read the whole piece and didn't even notice.

  9. #9
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    lol.. I thought you did.. it's cool. I'll feed in a bit

  10. #10

    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    Nath

    Quote Originally Posted by nath9
    Let me take a knife and literally
    cut your beating heart out
    and tie it to my sleeve,
    so I can feel your broken heart bleed.
    That right there was fucking dope. That really stood out to me in a quality stanza. The end of yours was really cool too, just the 'fuck it' attitude was conveyed really well with the ways that the words were placed, and really your wording was pretty well done throughout the whole of the poem. I don't agree that the flow was choppy, it read pretty well off the tongue.

    Quote Originally Posted by nath9
    The calm
    before the storm I suppose.
    I really don't think this was necessary, that felt a bit out of place and a bit wayward if you know what I mean.

    Overall a nice drop on your side. Now to move onto...

    Burd

    Took a completely different approach to nath I see, going more for the abstract read-between-the-lines thing. More imagery based... Which I feel is a nice compliment to naths stanza, but also it is a bit of a U turn in the way that the poem was headed. But now to analyse what you DID write...

    Quote Originally Posted by Burd.
    His lesser soldiers advance with
    An air of poignant finality which, strangely,
    Leaves me gasping for breath.
    We collide, shaking heaven and
    Tickling earth.
    That was my favourite part of your piece. I kinda like the story you had going on, the ending was cool too, even if I do disagree with the constant dark tones of your poem.

    I think 'Alas' was the wrong word to use in that one section, but maybe that's just me because I don't like it when people try to immitate the Romantic poets or whatever, archaic language just doesn't do things for me...

    The rest of the language was nicely implemented though, created quite a vivid picture for me. Nice drop.

    Overall, good piece by both, a really interesting collab to say the least.

  11. #11
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    2 links needed.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  12. #12

  13. #13
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: A Pawns Worth.

    I thought this was HoF for sure.

    Up one last time.

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