You suck [the soul right out of me].

[Orc]

I frolicked for eons in the sea of tranquility;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
When the time came for me to move on,
I packed up my stuff and left abruptly.

An artist; I drew up the blueprints for heaven and hell;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
I'm linked to both extremes like Persephone.
Yet alike to Odysseus and Lucifer; I left each of them.

I journeyed to the summit of Mount Olympus;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
I conversed with the Gods over golden-plated dinner,
Their mortality pulled me down as though gravitational.

I created beauty to toy with the emotions of man-kind;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
Narcissus and I were the greatest of rivals
In time I cackled at his obsessive vanity.

I tinkered with shapes; lazily playing the Creator;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
Placing pyramids onto sand with a flicker of emotion.
I grew restless; their simplicity bored me.

I wove the stars together in the darkest of times;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
Placing the iron inklings slightly below the firmaments.
Yet soon the dazzling light dulled.

I invented laughter in humanity's bleakest hour;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
Erupting forth from tormented souls.
Before long it became a monotonous murmur.

My past became a blurred fairytale when you left;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
You molded me into the perfect Legend, a Hero.
I hate you because you made me a man.

Then you sucked the soul right out of me.

[Orc]

I fed trickle & the other side.

[Märtyr]

Your style, it's confusing to me, but I love it. To me, your poems are abstract, all of them, and I enjoy that. You really did a good job hear, you really had a voice behind your poem, and told a story. I liked the narrative approach you took towards this, and the use of "In a carefree attitude of agony and loss" to portray the meaning of your poem more blatantly. Very enjoyable. I don't do this very often, and hell, I don't even know if it would get in, but to me, this poem touched home. I'm giving it the nod for HoF.

[Brandon Cee]

I found this to be straight forward...not really abstract, but it was stil lgood. The wording is solid from you, but to a different extent than I had previously mentioned to Ex Machina in his thread. He chooses words to express thought in the fewest amount possible...whereas you write complete thoughts with your words...it's a skill. I enjoyed this man. Keep writing, I enjoyed this...hope you fed/will feed mine. Peace.

[Orc]

Thanks yo.

[LedgenZ]

Nah, this was more abstract than it was anything else. Your character seemed to be some sort of physical manifestation and or personification of an abstract entity, if not deity. Either way there were a lot of great lines scattered throughout this poem. I've always been a fan of the more mythological type of writes, they just appeal to my narcissistic nature I suppose. So for you to write a piece like this was obviously a right up my alley. However, the constant repetition of the line 'In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...' became somewhat of a bother for me to read. I don't know, I got what you were trying to do; I just didn't particularly care for it in that sort of setting. Anyway, I still enjoyed the poem and I thought it demonstrated just how much skill you process when you really try. So props man. And...


Favorite lines:

Placing pyramids onto sand with a flicker of emotion.
I grew restless; their simplicity bored me.

^One of the few lines that actually WOW'ed me in a long time. So word. Dope script.


Anyway, I'm in the library right now, so I'm going to have to cut the feed short. Stay up Burd. Pz

[Orc]

Thanks man, really appreciate it!

[Poeta Demonio]

Get 2 links or closed.

[Orc]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ht-365065.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ng-365067.html

Tada.

[Soule]

Them ain't links you hooser you!


The wording was pretty cool, I don't know why in the first stanza you had three camma's but okay lol. Flowed pretty well, very much a poem. Imagery was straight, some really nice visuals here and there and some really nice description as well. Emotion was cool, overall a nice piece. Liked it, keep writing.

[Compton.]

Aiiiiiiiiiiight blad let's get too it.

Alright it's not often I can sit down and appreciate an abstract sort of poem, but in all honesty this did keep me interested pretty well. the repetition of the second line was nice, because all I wanted to see was what the fuck is this guy moaning about now?

I ain't an expert on mythology, so excuse me when I say I didn't quite follow on with it all the way through... But that's just me.

The whole god-like imagery really was dope, the lexical set of creation was beautifully chosen, and that part that Ledge point out really was outstanding. I'm not just saying that because he did, but... wow.

Ok now I'll just give you some criticisms so I can be off and away with this.

It was really hard to become submerged in the poem from the beginning. I really think the opening stanza should be re-thought out, because I read it and I was like 'wtf...' there was nothing really interesting said in it, and I think it kind of downcasts the reader from the get-go. But meh, maybe I'm just reading it wrong.





Yahhhhh. and Pique, that feed really did suck mate, sorry, lul. It's like you didn't read the poem and just wanted to write something to get a RTF...

[Know-It-All]

Burd. man really your style is awesome I really love the abstract nature of this poem. I love the imagery that you brought, and the emotion in this piece was excellent. Your mythology metaphors were nicely done and I really liked the vocabulary and the words you chose. In a way I can even enjoy the subtle descriptive nature within this poem. Also I really loved and understood the repetitiveness of the "In a carefree attitude of agony and loss..." line I really enjoyed it and it was needed. I also loved the topic and where you took it and that picture made all of the pieces of this puzzle fall into place.

I tinkered with shapes; lazily playing the Creator;
In a carefree attitude of agony and loss...
Placing pyramids onto sand with a flicker of emotion.
I grew restless; their simplicity bored me.

I really enjoyed this stanza the most and I really enjoyed the last to lines of it the most. overall this was a very well written piece with beautiful imagery and emotion with great metaphors, and I loved the how abstract it was but it was also easy to understand.

good write

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...59#post6326959
RTF and please hit that

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...gh-366057.html

Seeing as LedgenZ and I both hit up this piece, rtf please?

[Cody Nash]

yeah I wouldn't say it was abstract... but it was actually pretty straight forward with some metaphor. the piece was kind've crazy though... dunno... not too off the wall but I can say I fell off here and there and once got bored of reading it... I DIDN'T like the repetition of that line in every stanza... it sort've urked me to tell the truth. but the concept overall was original and pretty good. the writing was done well and the only thing I had TERRIBLE qualms with was the repeating line.



- Nash

[Orc]

Thanks.