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Thread: Trickle

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Trickle

    Come to me, a poem anorexic
    whom the rain wouldn't touch.
    Ephemeral as twilight,
    I need you to bleed from me like toothpaste.
    I must struggle with you,
    hurl you by the throat
    stand over your body, and hold your title
    while the syllables count.
    I may never reach you Poem.
    My only tools are those of beggars
    "Please" is the (pre)face paint of clowns
    and I wear "I'm sorry" like an old pair of sneakers
    with no sole.
    My stepping stones are megaliths
    left behind by sonneteers and thieves.
    All those who wrote memoirs on this path
    with dead bodies-
    they call out "You are no alchemist,
    You believe this may lead to Eden, but it only leads to
    dismay!"
    I give them nothing. Neither a sigh nor epiphany.
    I just move like you, drawn to your lines
    Like a pencil ‘round your hand.
    These days, I’m writing off more than I can chew.
    Every inch of me fails;
    I can’t believe I’m dying
    This watch placed here
    To remind me that time is golden
    The shoes I wear
    Shell toe’d and Old School’d
    let me touch sidewalks
    Like Krylon smeared under a bridge
    I wear these glasses like memento
    ‘cause the lines get blurry and we all need
    Just a bit of help to see it clear
    Surfeit of humility and self-deprecation
    So when the clarion salutes me
    You wont notice that I’ve gotten awfully close
    To holding you
    The poem that rain wouldn’t touch
    murder murder

  2. #2
    I'm On Everything Brandon Cee's Avatar
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    Re: Trickle

    Wow Ex, that shit was awesome. I love that satire you used with that toothpaste line...real cool. Seemed as if you needed to vent and went on with this piece. Nicely done. I love the way you chose your words as well, it made everything sit well together within the piece itself. I really have no problems with the piece and I think you know how well you did, good shit man. Keep dropping, I look forward to more. Peace.

    hit this piece up please
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...as-364649.html
    Last edited by Brandon Cee; April 6th, 2008 at 04:23 PM
    Legendary Song - Winter Snow



  3. #3
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Trickle

    Ha, I really liked the ending. The repetitive use of the 'rain wouldn't touch' was great. Some nice similes too. Your wording is excellent, really creative and it steers away from the more cliche nouns which is refreshing. This piece, as Brandon stated, seemed to be a venting piece - like you NEEDED to write. I think that came through by the obvious intensity of the piece, really nice stuff man. Please return the feed.
    LOL

  4. #4
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: Trickle

    This was sound, had all the nuts & bolts to a poem. Honestly, it was very polished, and you had metaphors and similies littered throughout the piece. In particular I really enjoyed this metaphor, similie transition:
    "Please" is the (pre)face paint of clowns
    and I wear "I'm sorry" like an old pair of sneakers
    with no sole.
    You obviously have your poetic devices, and voice behind a piece down. very enjoyable. I apologize for short feed, but i'd appreciate if you'd return the favor.
    Legion of Kings.

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Trickle

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6309970
    Hit that up with you please? Thanks.


    A real solid poem here dude, in the end it was something I could really enjoy and get into. Wording was fucking dope as hell, you had a nice syllable count and your wordchoice was just brilliant. Flowed very well man, and by that I mean I spoke it as if I wasn't reading anything.. read it like I was just speaking my own mind. And that is smooth writing right there. The emotion was pretty straight, nothing remarkible about it.. but it sure as fuck did NOT bring the piece down. I felt imagery was key here, unlocked the reader's minds and did a incredible job by doing so. Your visuals were fucking brutal man, and there were some dope meta's in here. Loved the read, we need to collaborate sometime man. Keep writing, return the favor eh?

  6. #6
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Trickle

    Wow, my bad. I thought someone already nominated this piece.


    Nom'd.

  7. #7
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Trickle

    a nice read man... a great job in this and like burd. said man... the repetitive end had a nice humorous desire in it ya know.... i liked how it just came to you in words and the emotion you grasp from this is real easy does it ya know. i felt nothing forced and i felt no struggle in writing this from you cause everything was intact and on point especially wording wise man... nothing much i could say about this that hasn't been said seeing im only the third (which is sad cause your shi is always worth a read) all i wanted to say has been said man. props and nice to see your writing still man.

    Pz.
    hit this if you could and want to iight...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...sm-365353.html
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  8. #8
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Trickle

    2 links please ex.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  9. #9
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    murder murder

  10. #10
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Trickle

    If possible, can you return the favor by feeding 'Forgiven'? It was nominated last night and want to see how my chances of getting another piece in HOF look by having your feed it. Thanks.

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