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Thread: The Bleeding.

  1. #1
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    The Bleeding.

    I take the quote "Keep friends close, enemies closer" to heart.


    Have a mocha joe,
    it's cold and chilling.
    and should set the mood,
    for the massacre to come.
    Thoughts are like a swirl of colors
    that are flashing, like a strobe light.
    "I'm going to puke."
    The fire is dead, flames are gone.
    They are left as embers, floating in the wind.
    We exchange looks of conformity,
    it's obvious we've given in, given up and
    have become another mindless pupil
    to the idiotic, seething mass.
    It's not quite kool-aid time though.
    Instead, let's play a friendly game of russian roulette.
    Go on, let loooooooooooose.
    Put your finger on that trigger.
    My senses are heightened, it's obvious
    you have fallen for the trap.
    Your palm grasps the gun, finger coats the trigger.
    It's time for your mindless brain to send the message,
    and let it drop to the floor.
    You don't deserve life anyway, you worthless ragdoll.
    Another death is nothing but another victim.
    Another attack, another bleeding.
    Luckily though, the guards caught me, and made me down my pill.
    I'll be successful next time.





    *Note, make sure you read the poem itself, before read this.

    Hopefully you caught what the poem was about. It's seemingly about a murder even though I left the ending pretty obvious. This poem is about dual personalitys, and attempted sucide while trapt in a psychward. So, keep that in mind when you decide to feed. Thanks.
    -Nathics.
    Last edited by Märtyr; April 4th, 2008 at 07:13 PM
    Legion of Kings.

  2. #2
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    You Sick Fuck! Read My Poem And Discover Real Poetry

  3. #3
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    lol..
    Legion of Kings.

  4. #4
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    upps
    Legion of Kings.

  5. #5
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    It looks like you're shaking the rust off pretty fast man. Your drop in here was better than your drop in IE which is surprising! Needless to say, your wording was great - as always. I do enjoy reading your somewhat abstract style. This poem was no different, I liked the opener, the tone was fairly conversational which the reader could relate to. The storyline was cool, you shouldn't have gave away what the poem was about though - figuring it out is usually the best part, lol. But yeah, good drop man, welcome back.
    LOL

  6. #6

    Re: The Bleeding.

    This piece has kinda stood out for me from a lot of the other poems around here, because this is one that a casual reader can look at and understand really well. This is a good thing, because sometimes I get way too braindead to really nail down and analyse a poem, but bah gawd this really hooked me in, which I really didn't think it would.

    The conversational, almost jovial tone of the poem made it read along realllly nicely, even with an unstable layout, the way in which you worded the words complimented the overall structure of the poem, good job on that one.

    Now lemme think of some criticisms...

    I think the ending was a bit abrupt. All I can really think of lol... And I agree with Burd that you should have left the expo out.

    Check out my piece if you got time...

  7. #7
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    thank you for taking your time. I'll feed your piece now.
    Legion of Kings.

  8. #8
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...de-365033.html
    ^shit'll make your mother cry... feed it...





    damn, pretty good shit. I can't say that I haven't seen this type of piece before, but the way you did it was pretty damn good. I liked how everything was executed... not too obvious until it reached its end... okay, let me get what you're saying... a guy with split personalities plays a WOULD BE murderer because he's trying to kill himself? sounds kind've like a less dramatic version of the movie Fight Club. but like I said, the piece was written VERY WELL... and you haven't lost your touch. enjoyed the read. thanks. stay writing... let's collab in the future...




    - nash

  9. #9
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    I'm down for a collab. Thanks for the feed, and i'll get that piece here soon.

  10. #10
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    upp

  11. #11
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    2 links please.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  12. #12
    rockNroll Märtyr's Avatar
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    Re: The Bleeding.

    no prob, I have thousands.. hold up.

  13. #13

  14. #14

    Re: The Bleeding.

    I really didn't expect to enjoy this poem, honestly, but i really did. It caught my attention and kept it and it's not that easy for a poem to do that. I think this was very very well written. You feel alot of emotion when you read this poem. I like the conversational tone because it made a nice flowing read. I do agree with the others though, you shouldn't have given us the extra info, but it's cool cause i didn't read it until after i figured out the poem! Good job!


    I dont have anything new for you to feed on posted, just got back to the site but keep a look out!

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