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Thread: Carousel

  1. #1
    Cornea
    Join Date
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    California
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    Battle Record
    9-1

    Carousel



    Carousel

    Magical carousel plays the piano so confindent - shares it well
    With families that dare to dwell in a place often compared to Hell
    The office is nailed shut, we're locked in and amazed at a maze
    Escaping the fate of days in order to retrace that face in a haze
    Replace the grace with hate, it'll will help accomplish on further
    I'm burdened - painted faces scare - they accomplice a murder
    Triangular tents herd you to a crowd where strange bodies meet
    Trick mirrors contort your shape in here, but "Thank God, it's me"
    My thoughts decrease as I'm left with fortune tellers and snakes
    Only a whore can tell it's name - so I know every no-name skank
    I'm folding ranks with a man whose extra long legs and a top hat
    Leave me no room to critique his high five - nobody can top that
    We all can talk trash, but we'd never burn our tongues to frighten
    Swords'll pierece their throats as flame grows - it's light brightens

    Welcome to the circus
    Nothing is useless


    A nightlife of comatose is the way we know that we've overdosed
    Expose your nose to these toxins in full; you will gross your hopes
    Gas fills the collapsed lungs of a boy relaxed; thunder consumed
    He had wonders of fun, in the end, he laughed under the moon
    Lost in the gloom appearance of the fairgrounds, I'm coy it seems
    I don't know who I am, but I do know this...that little boy is me
    Cumbersome - the feeling of prose grows under the nightly skies
    I would feel the pressure if I cracked clouds as I'm shining bright
    Timing darkness with a stop watch, I stopped to watch it move
    I've gotten used to the way things go now, but I'm not to groove
    I'm taught to loom in scarce areas, a dangerous outfitter follows
    I live on the Earth and live OFF of it to, I use the outrigger motto

    Everything is perfect
    Hypnotic music
    Politics sits on your face, freedom of speech is a religious debate
    So truth that's left isn't food for thought if you're missing the plate

  2. #2
    Cornea
    Join Date
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    Last edited by Chrispin; March 23rd, 2008 at 05:35 PM
    Politics sits on your face, freedom of speech is a religious debate
    So truth that's left isn't food for thought if you're missing the plate

  3. #3
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Strawberry Fields
    Posts
    1,126
    Battle Record
    12-2

    Re: Carousel

    This piece is dope chris.....you have mad potential....you pieces always capture my imagination....its weird.
    Not alot of writers hear can do that and still write a piece.......
    thats this solid.
    I'd love to see more from you......and I demand a collab........
    lolz.....
    I'll edit in a link later.




    om needs to stop sleeping on this piece,

  4. #4
    Cornea
    Join Date
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    California
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    9-1

    Re: Carousel

    Finally, I'm getting links now btw. Thanks Vince.
    Politics sits on your face, freedom of speech is a religious debate
    So truth that's left isn't food for thought if you're missing the plate

  5. #5
    Is honestly...speaking
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    With the Writeobots chillin on the writer's block, sensibility is knocked and we rock pens instead of socks...dig it
    Posts
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    Battle Record
    0-1

    Re: Carousel

    this piece was cool... i like the imagery that you put in here and you had some emotion which fed off of the imagery which was good...your flow was good, some areas were better than others, but flows switch up sometimes so no biggy...for the most part you had good transitions with the flow you dig. The story pretty cool too so i have no major complaints about this piece...good stuff here.

    hit this up:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-363880.html
    Writeobots...roll out

  6. #6
    Cornea
    Join Date
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    Re: Carousel

    uppin...thanks for the feed, I'm gonna hit it up soon ^
    Politics sits on your face, freedom of speech is a religious debate
    So truth that's left isn't food for thought if you're missing the plate

  7. #7
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    England, Liverpool
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    8-1

    Re: Carousel

    I liked the obscure metaphors you used in this, an original topic and an original style you used to bring it to life. Mayeb a little too vague in places, but the vocab choice was solid and the imagery was strong. The length was just right to hold my attention as well. This was definately a few notches above the average piece in here. Good work.

    Keep posting, thanks for the rep.

    SS League Record 31-8
    SS HW Champ
    14 x OM HoF



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  8. #8
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Carousel

    You know how I feel about this piece, I left feedback and the vote for you in SS. And told you, if this was posted in Open Mic, I would nominate it. So I will.

    Loved the imagery and emotion man, really had a grasp around me as the reader. And your story was dope to, though there wasn't much storytelling involved.. the meaning was done well. And that's all we need as readers, a completed meaning. Wording was well done, and flow was hot. Keep writing dude.

  9. #9
    Cornea
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    California
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    32
    Posts
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    Battle Record
    9-1

    Re: Carousel

    uppin
    Politics sits on your face, freedom of speech is a religious debate
    So truth that's left isn't food for thought if you're missing the plate

  10. #10
    Do the migraine skank... White-Winter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    london
    Posts
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    Battle Record
    9-5

    Re: Carousel

    wow i loved this piece....the way you appraoched this was very nice....the exucution was perfect.....the imagery used in here was very weird but good at the same time...haven't felt something like that for quite a while now....emotion was good, could of been better done in places but still good...and it flowed very well....hope to read some more of your pieces

    very nice piece here...could you check my om called A Timeless Journey

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    Originally Posted by Brandon Heat
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    you really are the dumbest motherfucker ever...
    I swear to god if I ever... EVER met you in life I'm beating the fuck out of you.

    Meta.Convicts

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