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Thread: Forever Blue and Black

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Forever Blue and Black


    A pen bursts in my right pocket
    I try to stop it, my fingers blotted
    Rubbing off in abstractions
    On my face,
    the looseleaf page crumpled on floor
    A tissue for black tears
    My palms face up, charred and seared
    As my Papermate bleeds
    On a mattress of flesh and bone
    Steel-tips pulled back into his lips
    As the clicks slow, the spring moans
    Melting in my human touch
    Cusses and swears
    Unwinds and tares open
    Swollen ideas from the flesh
    Round and smooth... they bubble in ooze
    Out into spheres and black jetties
    Collecting at the underbelly
    Of a plastic exoskeleton, molting
    Shedding my prints, the brand
    the teeth marks, the spit, my hands
    Lift over a trash-can
    It's tip top frothing with paper mache
    and life
    It prays...
    As I drop it into forever blue, and wherever black
    It's memories are a stain on my lap

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  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Re: Forever Blue and Black

    Bumping Up

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  4. #4
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Forever Blue and Black

    this wasn't bad. for a beginner, you have some potential.

    I think you should take more time in creating your metaphores, and structuring it better to where the poetry runs smoothly, meta after meta. It'd also be interesting if you'd add some excitement in it...
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  5. #5
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Awards OM HOF Gauntlet Champion LLL Champion LLL HOF

    Re: Forever Blue and Black

    This was cool, man. The meta's you did use were cool, as I felt the piece itself could be one big metaphor. The flow was cool too - just make sure you don't let it overpower the meaning you're trying to convey, you know? Anyway, your wording was good and so was your poetic language. For a new guy on the site, this was pretty damn good.

    RTF; http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...th-365480.html
    LOL

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