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Thread: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

  1. #1
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    A Beautiful Target
    By: Nash





    It's saddening, for her there's no mistake worth having
    she works unhappily where curves are a bad thing
    her life's purged of confetti, looking hurt already
    the shadows and her, create a merger so steady
    off work, clothed heavy, likely resenting her job
    she spends her nights unveiling sights that perv's awe
    while they spend the night on what she see's as her flaws
    I seem to like her a lot, without me I see she's worse off
    despite nerves, instead of passing, I decide to stop
    the sidewalk where she walks, should be called a divine walk
    as she strides on... she seems to know I'm watching
    and in the time I watch, I try slowly stopping
    but it's awfully difficult, she acts like stalking's typical
    I feel like I want her, but even the thought seems cynical
    got me feeling biblical, thanking God for her presence
    I'd like to offer her mine, but I just gawk at her essence
    inside I find a lesson, how I want nothing less than her
    and it burns when I lose sight as she moves left and turns
    I wreck and swerve, a trash can falls and I flash past
    like I'm a manic, I have no tactics, I'm just a man that -
    craves a girl, reaching the corner I visualize fragrant curls
    an amazing pearl, then she shines and my amazement twirls
    she's a radient girl, pulling her bad habbit from her pocket
    followed by a lighter, and I get the slight urge to stop it
    but the thoughts kicked, as the cigarette crosses her lips
    wishing instead it was my lips, I'm lost in her thick -
    flawless curves and hips, good for child birthing and handles
    but then a man lurking the shadows, stops my dirty scandals
    he's cursing, I'm rattled... and it's the moment of truth
    his movement is crude, and now my atonement is proved
    first slow, then he moves... he grabs her, then the purse
    and of course I start to run up when the events get worse
    it's so fast that it hurts... his gun's drawn, my speed grows
    and I seemed to jump without even knowing my feet rose
    I swear the street froze, and that I grew wings to cross it
    time came back, the clip was empty, and I leaked profit
    he ran off and... I was on my back, to bleed and be parched
    thirsting for her acceptance still, and I leave her my heart...
    she breathes hard, "It's okay, won't you please just hang on?"
    I look into her eyes with honesty, speak, and stay strong
    "I just love you so much," the delay's long, but harshly enough
    and when I fade off, lack of speech is harnessing my crutch.


    I looked at him as I did before, and his eyes were still open
    gazing deep into his heart, realizing mine was still broken
    until he'd patched it up with his hope and his dreams...
    "I just love you so much," he said so slowly with speech
    his voice was so deep, and the sincerity was present
    basked in it for the longest moment, seeped in his essence
    he was breathing for seconds, and then it all just stopped
    and I didn't get to tell him that I'd also watched...
    I let him follow along, because at first I had liked him
    but now I found more than that, it was my arms he died in
    and I cried with all the tears I've ever cried with...
    he died the very moment I revived the heart I loved with
    hard rain was the climate, he was lifeless as I hugged him.


    Love at first sight's hard to come by the disputable hearted
    and you find it's too hard to track such a beautiful target.

  2. #2
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    Last edited by Cody Nash; February 4th, 2008 at 02:25 AM

  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    this wasa nice read man... yes i agreee your best work so far man... you went all out on the emotion and the story man was on top of it all. you have some stop and go's in flow but it never really took away and in all honesty ill be straight with you ....it is your best work but your wording at times and content seemed forced here and there which irritated my fuckin head cause it made me mad about it being like that but the thing that stood up and stayed strong was the emotiona nd story and wording man.... your flow may have been choppy but i love pieces where i can relate and actually feel as if that was me and that is what you did man... and i really do feel you did it well in this with the concept being what it is...at first i didnt get it but then later as i read along i got it tot he point i started to grin knowing that one o my homies is the one that made this read...nice thing here man... a very emoional piece and one piece that i think every one can sincerely relate to man.


    Props.
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  4. #4
    Town Rapist Ink Poyzin's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    This was a real good read. at first I was like "Man, just another lame love song".. But that quickly changed my mind. you just blew me away with your creativity.. I know this topic been done alot but you still stuck through with it. everything worked out cool.. It painted the whole picture in my head. shit was just crazy.. Seriously I thought she was gonna get shot. before I know it he's laying dead.. Very great story. definitely worth the fuckin' read, dude.. I do think the end could've been longer but it's no big deal cuz either way it was dope. really emotional.. As far as your flow goes I don't think it was choppy. you definitely got skill, dude.. Keep writing. keep your head up..
    [YOUTUBE]gbEwHJX95QE[/YOUTUBE]

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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    Yeah.......this was far from being another "Lame love song"....it was far too creative to be put in that category.....I loved the whole Idea of a 'Beautiful Target'....never thought that anyone would be getting shot in this piece.

    I also feel that the beautiful target thing is an allusion to Cupid and how he shoots lovers with arrows....but maybe I'm overanalyzing....haha.
    anyways dope concept.

    I liked how you painted a picture of him following the girl...but at the same time she noticed it and enjoyed it.....tight:

    the sidewalk where she walks, should be called a divine walk
    as she strides on... she seems to know I'm watching
    and in the time I watch, I try slowly stopping
    but it's awfully difficult, she acts like stalking's typical
    I feel like I want her, but even the thought seems cynical
    these were my fav. lines and arguably the best lines in the piece.

    I also like the part where at the end its her talking to him...but its not like she's saying it its like you put us in her mind...and how she was like my heart got revived when yours stopped....dope.

    thanks for the entertaining read
    Rating: 10/10......this should get a hof Nomination.


    my link:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...re-359808.html

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    Dead from the Heart out. Addict's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    Well shit...I wa sgonna just quote my favorite parts and go fuck myself i would of ended up quoting the entire thing...Honestly man it was great. I love how it painted the picture so well and completely made me want to keep reading it. I love this piece man, Ill tell ya once and ill tell ya again, It was beautiful..You really switched the topic in the end by saying she knew the entire time and was enjoying it. Sucks she couldnt tell him back she loved him....But hell life aint always that pretty...


    Good shit man...Best ive seen...But hopefully not the last masterpiece you write...
    It started with a kiss and turned out something else,
    The blood coils in through my veins, I think of no one else.
    I never believed in much, but I believe in this.
    I’m incomplete without you, I’d kill to taste your kiss

  7. #7
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    dope shit, exceeded my expectations by a long shot, i knew u said u thought it was dope, but u kno alotta people think there stuff is dope and it just ends up being iight @ best or good but not dope... well knowing me i love imagery and that was the first thing i noticed and the emotion was great, it really kept me into the piece as a whole and not just feeling certain pieces of it.. i did notice a few minor drop offs with flow as a poetry piece would have been laid out, but me being a pot it didn't take away from anything or lean me towards not liking it.. word choice played a nice part in here as word choice is alway's one the most undercover parts of writing as it helps build everything from flow to emotion to description which is imagery of course, lol the story in itself was nicely and artistically put man... def nt another luve babble on n shit

    props

    outty

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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    Really dope read here Aaron. Most deffinently your best yet dude. The emotion was just FAR out there and had so much expressive descriptives to it that I nearly cried reading this piece. The imagery was so outstanding that it could've been like a Romeo and Juliet remake. It was like a video in my mind. Not just images but you actually let me see what was going on with motion. It was great. Wording was really nice, nothing NEAR elementary. And the flow was just flawless. Hall of Fame for sure, keep it up.

    Pacino

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    Rap Is Alive Keeby Swaggz's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    nice work, seriously... at first I was like, "what's with all the fuckin' emo rap lately"... but as I read on and the true content was revealed I was pleasantly surprised... I like the way this story was crafted, I wasn't expecting it to turn out the way it did... good imagery, good use of vocab, good job all around...

  10. #10
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    eh w00t w00t.. [my greatest post]
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    why don't you feed you ass fucker








    bumps. leave links and thanks for comments hoez..

  12. #12
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    this piece was pretty good...at first i was reading it and i kept thinking..."he's in loooooove with a strippeeeerr" lol but the imagery was on point in this piece...painted a really nice and vivid picture in the minds of your readers. The flow did have its dips but it was still cool even with that popping off...at first the flow reminded me of Em's lose yourself...so i give you props for that...the emotion here was one of the seven dwarfs as well...i can't imagine how she really really felt once the dude died trying to save her...her curiousity must have been enough to kill her, as she liked the attention so it was pretty much a love that would never be and that kinda sucks...a little bit...yeah...anyway...this was deaf like people that cant hear...keep it up

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-360062.html

    ^^hit that when you can

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  13. #13
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    Hmm...I personally thought this was well written and quite interesting. I found a suitable flow and due to it being fluid I managed to finish the piece without any darg on effect or having any vines of boredom grasp my attention. Overall, it was a very good piece, I liked how the events unfolded, very indepth...what you wrote could easily happen in real life in a 10 mintue or even less timescale. Good rhyming technique, my only qualm is that though you put a character twist on the concept, it wasn't THAT fresh or new. However, I can say without doubt that I thoroughly enjoyed reading the piece. Good work.
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  14. #14
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    hitting the links.... thanks dudes... you guys are dope.



    leave more links people, LEAVE LINKS!!!

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    Re: A Beautiful Target - [My Greatest Work]

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6199930

    Hit that please.

    This was pretty fucking deep man, I honestly don't have enough time to go into details and leave great feed, but i'll still tell you some shit. The flow was great - period. It came off nice and smooth and kept the reading fun. The emotion was ...wow... I don't read a whole lot now but this had me reading and feeling the whole piece from start to finish. You did amazing here man, I've never been big on you're topicals before and this got me intrested, great read man. Pz.
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