Originally Posted by
Ex.Machina.
Ah, I was expecting more.
Let's see, bell, you need to work on where to put your breaks. You have to learn what you need to emphasize, this isn't a topical so you don't have to worry about making it look pretty, as long as the breaks are in the right place then you'll have a much better connection with the reader because it will emphasize the right words and will get your point across much more clearly. I actually abandoned your structure a couple of lines in and read it straight through without stopping at your breaks, it read much smoother and sort of like a short story. I felt that your lines were "poetic" but I didn't feel that what you wrote was poetry. I see you trying to elevate though, so I'm glad to see that. I love the line about explosion through cities, that's actually really dope. A great use of simile. Remember your literary devices. Metaphor, simile, imagery, onomatopoeia, atmosphere, tone, diction, and all that good stuff. Work on each of these to really make your poetry complete. I think that right now you're at a level where you still have to get the basics down and only THEN will you be able to convey yourself truly like a poet. I did it, I practiced my imagery for a while, a couple of years back I was just known for painting vivid pictures. Then metaphors and similes, I really started to understand what made a simile come alive. Then I worked on my tone, I developed my own voice in my writing, even trying to master onomatopoeia at the same time. Take it step by step, progress is a slow process my friend.
Jon, I don't think you really put much effort into this. I don't know if I'm guessing right because I haven't read enough of your work to know the full extent of your talent but this hardly seemed like something that would get you to where you are now. I wont bother putting much input into this but your part of it was decent. Imagery was good.
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