The Path Unclear

[Mach II]

The fog is dismal,
lamp posts two blocks away,
look like the fainter stars on a clear night.
Everyone shares a smirk,
the inside joke of a warm winter day
in the middle of two hammering fists of cold.

The perspiration swims on your skin,
jumping insects on the flesh,
everyone bundled because of the fog,
limbs kept tight,
inside of jackets and hoodies.

It isn't cold but you expect it to be.
Everybody seems like a finger puppet,
squirming under the dense film of
notfalling water, and the beacons.
the street lights shining godlike, piercing
the fog like the morning light pierces a sleep.

finger puppets, not moving.
in one place, squirming. the masses punch through the fog.
stationary to the naked eye. treading in one single place.
struggling to make their way.

---
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...th-358023.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-358090.html

[Grizbear]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nz-357860.html
hit that for a fellow cheese! It's actually the first cheese collab!

Duh, this is dope. your descriptions were beautiful man. I mean, the metaphor behind the piece was awesome.. of course, I will admit, that poeta had to point this out to me in IE. LOL! but now that I acutally see the piece, as it's supposed to be seen, i'm left it amazement. So yeah, this is Hall Of Fame.
Pz

[Orc]

Yeah, I agree w/ Griz. I hadn't, at first, got the slightest idea of what it was you were conveying. But I caught on in IE, too. The syntax was great, man, your writing is very technical : some nice uses of enjambment, too. The scene was set with sort of dark imagery, IMO. Which made for a good read. You remind me a lot of Adrienne rich, same metaphorical style. So yeah, dope poem man. PLEASE hit this up, it has like, no feed =/.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nz-357931.html

[LedgenZ]

I read this in IE and left a ton of feed, no need in repeating myself. But yeah, this was ill.

[Ink Poyzin]

dope poem, man.. kinda short.. dark
imagery. which is good.. I'm not really
a big fan of that mushy shit.. everything
was worded nicely.. metaphors.. amazing
job.. decent usage of vocabulary..
thanks for the read.. I enjoyed it..
keep writin' and stay active.. -un0..



UPPIN for more feed..

[LosFerra]

I liked this poem, reminded me of a cold morn making my way to school or standing at a bus stop. The first stanza was an def favourite of mines, I enjoyed this line more than others:

Everyone shares a smirk,
the inside joke of a warm winter day

It was an creative metaphor that really, descibed how people react to the winter cold. I love your simplexity in this piece, again nice piece man.

[Dayvid Aimz]

This piece seemed to get off topic in alot of places...and the fact that it was so short even confused me more......or maybe thats what you were going for...idk.....I just feel like the imagery gave off the feeling of cold you were trying to purvey but to me thats all it succeeded in doing....

I just really didn't enjoy this piece at all...the structure made it easy to read...
but the concept just didn't really pique my interest i guess.


i would still like to see more from you but not something so Vague and indescriptive you know?.


piece and I hope you're not upset with this feed.