Gym Class Loser.

[Judge Judy]

charge!
the dominant freckles yelped...
as they painted the adolescent
with a target point, and a reason to cry
his vision hangs on by a single...
double , brimmed pair of glasses
which are being fogged up right now
by the arrogant asthma...
which is bad to the bone...
or lung...
and his hair is parted
not by the beauty of style...
but by the lack of beauty this child has
confidence is key, and well...
his key was swallowed
when the procedures of his Hudini went wrong
...it pierced his broken heart
and in came the hazings
and apparently, golf balls...
titliest to be exact, but
ill control the details, lets just say...
.
.
I'm A Gym Class loser.

[Mach II]

You already have a general idea how I feel about this piece since I voted in your favour in that battle of yours. I basically felt it was very under-appreciated, and overshadowed by your opponent's much longer piece. But length isn't everything, and, in my opinion, it can actually be detrimental sometimes, because unless you really know what you're doing, it defeats the purpose of poetry in the first place.

Wow, I just rambled.

This was good because it was both funny and instilled pity in the reader, and mostly, it just seemed fairly accurate. I mean, in one sense, I felt like you dwelled too much on the stereotypical elementary school nerd, and I think most of the time people are a lot more three dimensional than that...but it works in the end, because really, I think you're writing through the 'perspective' of someone in school, and so the stereotypes not only fit, but add credibility to your viewpoint. On top of that, in general, I thought your wording and imagery was very good...in my opinion, especially at the beginning. I thought the Hudini reference was very good, and as a whole, I thought this was a very solid piece of poetry.

[Judge Judy]

thanks.

bumpskies dude.

[INFINITE.A]

i agree with machII. it was funny yet you feel sad for the poor kid =[
but anyway your works thats i have seen are always interesting and fun
great piece =]

[Ink Poyzin]

short but funny, man.. really theres not much I can say about this.. thats how short it was.. but I did enjoy the half a minute read.. maybe make something a little longer next time.. keep writin'.. one..

[C.Wrighter]

lol... at this its crazy but at the same time very creative and a little some new to me cause i haven't read anything like it, short i wish it would have been a little bit longer so i could feed a little more, but nice piece.

[Dayvid Aimz]

this piece was very cliche and I don't see any true originality in it..........

I like some of your earlier work cause its like now your style is kinda playful and in auto-pilot....I hate this piece.....it does nothing for me...
was not an entertaining read at all imo.



pz...and appreciate the feed.