Polaroid Catastrophe- Revised.

[Poeta Demonio]

Polaroid catastrophe- Picture imperfect.

Makeshift wings sore into flight of disease,
Take to the skies, only to slice the ground,
With a ripe mind plucked from sanity’s tree.

Part One- The way I feel.
Sliding down a razor blades tender kiss to
My acidic veins; screams led, blood tagged
Along for the ride, impure thoughts lodge
Themselves into a cradle of ivory skull,
Writing ‘not alone’ on the tapestry of love,
Only to slice it into a million pieces again.
My insecurities make acquaintance with
Memories of a deviant’s juice of injustice;
Depression seeps in through cracks in
The child hood picture frames,
Plastering blistered love to the minds trip.

The razor assists me in picking myself
Apart again, along side me as tears
Evaporate into septic eye shadowed lids.
Kamikaze teardrops are welded from
Sparks of life; only to drown in my
Lifeless wounds; as I sip deep from a
Cups sharp rim, Sleepless starvation
Settles in to Sabotage my suicidal serenity,
& To forever liquidize sanity into a bleeding
Shadow of a former self, a self of love.

I hear the clock trying to negotiate a deal with time,
The hour hand strikes my heart for another
Beating drum roll of stampeding numbers

Part 2- what do you know of why I feel?
Oppressed by the very being delivered to protect.
Driven into a disorder of insecure collaborations
With hatred and love, both intermingled with
Fear; breathing semen through a throat of
Abuse, six years of age yet in a playground of
Bed covers, stained covers at that.
Banished to mentally tortured acidic screams,
Touched by cloud fluffed pillow cases,
As the ‘game’ continued deep into the night,
Moon light came to say its hello’s then only to
Bed its goodbyes, ‘until tomorrow’ he sang.

A kiss goodnight would linger towards a
Sleepless night, my goodnight lullaby,
Well, it was merely pillow talk to a Childs
Inexperienced knowledge. Subjected to
Baby blues, I guess love came at a price!
Deprived of an innocent embrace,
A hug of PURITY; glazed eyes of
Gazing thus gaping heart felt glances.
Yet I was landed with a violent drunk
Deviant of an impure, immoral fucking rapist

You made me what I am; YOU did it…
DADDY!

Part three: Tears fall to the clown’s irises
Farewell sweet sanity, maybe we shall reunite
In a future life, it’s been nice knowing you
But your time has expired, no further use of
You is needed; burn the embers of suicidal
Tear drops, they also have long surpassed
Their value. Life shall birth death,
In the womb of flickering clocks,
Designed to collect the hours and make them
Its own; invented to invest in an inventory of
Insane illness’s irrational insight

GOODBYE DADDY! YOU RAISED ME WELL!

Silence violins, I don’t need your sympathy
All I wish for is a moment in time to die,
A second to drift away to the screams of past heritage
But leave the leaves of lost love lingering in
The hearts of the lost evergreens pulse,
Fix me a drink for courage, sip with me
In denial, as I find homage in the bottom of
A glass; cut me a shard for later use,
I guess the train has arrived, take me home.

GOODBYE DADDY! YOU RAISED ME WELL!

silence at last

[Shotty Fullclip]

this was looonnggg but a really great read...
this poem was very deep and I'm just amazed
by your writing. its so emotion and they you
describe everything its like im there. just a
masterpiece. and very well picked topic, too...
overall it was just pure dopeness and couldn't
have been wrote any better by anyone else.
muchs props and respect.. keep writing..

[Poeta Demonio]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ss-357401.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ns-357400.html

[Poeta Demonio]

Upping

[Poeta Demonio]

Upping.

[LedgenZ]

................

[LedgenZ]

Okay, so let's see...






*cracks fingers*

Polaroid catastrophe- Picture imperfect.

Makeshift wings sore into flight of disease,
Take to the skies, only to slice the ground,
With a ripe mind plucked from sanity’s tree.

^The beginning of this piece had me somewhat perplex, because on an isolated basis I was trying my best to understand what exact it was you were trying to say. However, speaking from a strictly metaphorical point of view, I must say, you had some rather intense and interesting word-play, that instantly bated the reader right in. For instant, the last line, “ a ripe mind plucked from sanity’s tree” assured me that this read would not be a waste of time and there would be many more jewels dropped along the way.

Part One- The way I feel.
Sliding down a razor blades tender kiss to
My acidic veins; screams led, blood tagged
Along for the ride, impure thoughts lodge
Themselves into a cradle of ivory skull,
Writing ‘not alone’ on the tapestry of love,
Only to slice it into a million pieces again.
My insecurities make acquaintance with
Memories of a deviant’s juice of injustice;
Depression seeps in through cracks in
The child hood picture frames,
Plastering blistered love to the minds trip.

^Okay, so I thought this stanza contained a lot of imagery. It was very vivid, gruesome, and dark. It was also relatively abstract in terms of description, which I whether enjoyed. Because I don’t think this is the sort of piece than can be told through a concrete point of view, because this subject matter has been tampered with far to many times by less skilled individuals. So, to create something truly original, you have to go with a more abstract approach, as to leave the podium open for a freer realm of thought and imagination; as it pertains to the reader of course. And judging by what you have here, I’d say you succeeded in doing just thought. Also, through your poetic illustration I think you captured the moment or sorrow and physical desecration with eagle-eye clarity.

The razor assists me in picking myself
Apart again, along side me as tears
Evaporate into septic eye shadowed lids.
Kamikaze teardrops are welded from
Sparks of life; only to drown in my
Lifeless wounds; as I sip deep from a
Cups sharp rim, Sleepless starvation
Settles in to Sabotage my suicidal serenity,
& To forever liquidize sanity into a bleeding
Shadow of a former self, a self of love.

^WOW…this stanza just blew me the fuck away. Honestly, I don’t know what to say. You had so many metaphorical moments of brilliance it almost floored me. Not to mention the language you spoke in was so apathetic and callous, as if pain and anguish meant nothing to you. “Kamikaze teardrops are welded from Sparks of life”…man, how the hell do you come up with phrases like that? Please teach me! Dude, I swear that no amount of feedback I give you on this stanza is going to do you or your piece any sort of justice. It’s just that ill!!!!

I hear the clock trying to negotiate a deal with time,
The hour hand strikes my heart for another
Beating drum roll of stampeding numbers

^Okay, so, I just diead! That was just too ill to live with. Clocks negotiating a deal with time? Come on, that was just genius. Hour hand, heart, beating drum roll, stampeding number? Jesus, you’re a freak. Sorry for the insufficient feed, but like I said a few minutes earlier – I just don’t know what else to say.

Part 2- what do you know of why I feel?
Oppressed by the very being delivered to protect.
Driven into a disorder of insecure collaborations
With hatred and love, both intermingled with
Fear; breathing semen through a throat of
Abuse, six years of age yet in a playground of
Bed covers, stained covers at that.
Banished to mentally tortured acidic screams,
Touched by cloud fluffed pillow cases,
As the ‘game’ continued deep into the night,
Moon light came to say its hello’s then only to
Bed its goodbyes, ‘until tomorrow’ he sang.

^I really like this stanza, it’s the first time as a reader that I got a sense of passion from the character. This was the first time I really got to take a glimpse into his psyche and see what made him so ‘suicidal’ in the first place. It was very explanatory in other words. And I think it is the point that links the entire piece together into one collective thought. Also, I think the way it was worded and the emotion that was poured into it really makes it relative to the audience. Like I could empathize with what he was going through.

A kiss goodnight would linger towards a
Sleepless night, my goodnight lullaby,
Well, it was merely pillow talk to a Childs
Inexperienced knowledge. Subjected to
Baby blues, I guess love came at a price!
Deprived of an innocent embrace,
A hug of PURITY; glazed eyes of
Gazing thus gaping heart felt glances.
Yet I was landed with a violent drunk
Deviant of an impure, immoral fucking rapist

You made me what I am; YOU did it…

DADDY!

^Okay, so now the entire picture is starting to unfold. I find it interesting how you began this poem with a scenario that seemed like the aftermath of these actions, and then went back in rewind mode and retold the story. I just think that was an interesting technique to employ. Anyway, this stanza was pretty good, full of imagery and explanations; that played critical roles to the overall coherence of the topic.

Part three: Tears fall to the clown’s irises
Farewell sweet sanity, maybe we shall reunite
In a future life, it’s been nice knowing you
But your time has expired, no further use of
You is needed; burn the embers of suicidal
Tear drops, they also have long surpassed
Their value. Life shall birth death,
In the womb of flickering clocks,
Designed to collect the hours and make them
Its own; invented to invest in an inventory of
Insane illness’s irrational insight

GOODBYE DADDY! YOU RAISED ME WELL!

^Wow...this was intense, provocative, and sarcastic all at the same time. I especially, liked, and took notice to, the indifference, dispassion, and monotony in the character’s voice, as if his life and potential demise no longer mattered. It was just rattling to say the least. Also, the amount of wordplay you poured into this piece was mind-boggling. Seriously, I can hardly point out individual occurrences, because every line contains some form of overwhelming dopeness. This is what you called a truly unified piece.

Silence violins, I don’t need your sympathy
All I wish for is a moment in time to die,
A second to drift away to the screams of past heritage
But leave the leaves of lost love lingering in
The hearts of the lost evergreens pulse,
Fix me a drink for courage, sip with me
In denial, as I find homage in the bottom of
A glass; cut me a shard for later use,
I guess the train has arrived, take me home.

GOODBYE DADDY! YOU RAISED ME WELL!

silence at last

^I think those lines summed up the entire mood of this piece in the most concise way possible. There was a lot of depth, emotional hurt, and underlining hopelessness, in that stanza, which seems to be the theme for the topic as a whole. Anyway…









I don’t know what else to say. I mean all I can say is that this piece was great. Simply put – it was great. And not in the typical run of the mill, widely exaggerated, and most often misused sort of way. But most so, in a truly unique, authentic, and reserved for rarity only, sort of way. It was just Great! Oh and, sorry for the shitty feed, but I just woke up and my brain is barely functioning. Anyway, Pz!

[LedgenZ]

Go to the Writer's Block, the thread is set!!!

[Poeta Demonio]

Thanks alot man, much appreciated for the indepth feed.

Upping

[Orc]

Wow, amazing poem. The opening tercet set the scene very well. The word usage was different, and that kept me interested. The poem itself was pretty long, but it was a great read, man. Your wording is probably the best that this site has to offer - it's always strong, crisp and clean. This was the case here, too as you tend to use words that are sort of rare. The imagery was very nice, vivid as hell, really depicted the suffering well. If this hasn't been HOF nominated I definitely will nominate it. Hit me up if you'd like to collab, man!

[Poeta Demonio]

Thanks man, and yeah it's in HoF, well the original version... it's not in legends though... hint hint lol... Joking... sort of!

[Gestures]

Yeah, I'll nominate it then, if you'd like.

[Grizbear]

cool piece. way to rep the cheese heads with this one! Anyway, onto the piece, it has all the nuts and bolts to a good poem..scratch that.. DOPE poem. yeah. lol. sort of played there. Very intense piece, althought when reading it in a rather dim room, it's some-what depressive. but that's your style I guess, dark and morbid. Very authentic in terms of originality. If this was to be nominated for legends, you'd get my vote! Hit up ledgenZ and I's cheese collabo please!

[Poeta Demonio]

Yeah, I'll nominate it then, if you'd like.

LOl only if you feel it deserves it.

[Dayvid Aimz]

wow.....this is a critics dream this piece...well what I noticed first is how well thought out and written it is. You write like a true professional.
In ways this read almost like a short story...It whet the appetite for storytelling but its like the more in-depth you got with it the better it got.

I loved the verse in part three where the character sounds so suicidal and gloomy...the rhyme went perfectly with the pictures.
Dope how you kept the not alone phrase as a recurring thought throughout this drop.

Very spooky tones in certain spots but thats what gave this piece its life.
very dope and I'd like to see more drops like this from you Demonio/



PZ AND KEEP PIECES LIKE THESE COMING LOVED THE GOTHIC VIBE IT HAD


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