I, lifeless - Jonathon

[Jon]

I…
walk down the depraved boulevard
in search of a meaning for life...
Trip over sticks and stones that hurt
and rugged words that I’ve taken;
the pain deepens with more time so -
I’ve decided to take longer
because
pain’s part of the experience…

Pebbles, tossed at my abandoned soul;
which has taken its toll on bodies.
Around me I just see nothingness,
as if I'm living in my own domain.
I’m running from reality;
like life's the hunter and I’m the hunted.
I'll down the rest of life in abundance
and hope it knocks me off my feet
then hit the ground with such a speed
that I’m intoxicated with death..
…and hope everyone mourns that death;
the death of the pain-taker...
I pray that I -
feel the death, with the remaining -
emotions that I live for…

…but I am lifeless

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ow-356248.html

[Jon]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-357143.html

[Jon]

wait.. the hell is the thing not showing for?

[spokenoh]

I don't know how much of your stuff I have read before so it was nice to read something of yours. I thought the topic was a little bland. No offense, but it just seems awfully mushy or trying to gain sympathy. I'm not saying you are, just the poem's character. I liked some of the vocabulary you used, but sometimes it didn't work like "Pebbles, tossed at my abandoned soul". I think next time you should just work on focusing on some key ideas and using them, instead of taking a broad (somewhat moody) topic and just putting ideas all over the place. Like when you mentioned the hunt/hunted simile, I thought you could capitalize on it but expanding it a bit. Sometimes just a good analogy or continuation of an idea really makes the imagery stronger but still maintains your point. I see potential for you to get better because you did display good knowledge of words.

[Jon]

Thanks =)

[Boxin Mics]

im not saying this is a bad piece but I have to agree with Unspokenlie on this one. it does sound like your trying to gain sympathy. theres alot of emotion behind this though so that sparks my interest.

.................................................. .........
I'll down the rest of life in abundance
and hope it knocks me off my feet
then hit the ground with such a speed
that I’m intoxicated with death..
…and hope everyone mourns that death;
.................................................. .........

this was dope. definitely my favorite part of this....
overall id say just keep writing.. this wasn't bad at all.
try to make your imagery stronger next time, though...
this was a good read though, so thanks, man.

[Jon]

no prob.. btw, i never try to gain sympathy in my writings, its just not me.. but you can ask anyone who follows my work, my pieces are depressing. its how i get the most emotion out.. in this particular one, I was writing as if a poet was down.. wasn't me, but it was a poet. thanks though, appreciate the feed.

[Jon]

uppin.. please?

[NiNjah Red]

well i thought this was pretty cool, . i actually liked the pebbles thrown at my soul lne, thought that was cool, only thing i wasnt too impressed with was the repetition of the word "death" in the last few lines.
in all this was a very expressive poem - that had some sort of action going on where you were being hunted and stuff gave it a dramatic edge

yea this was coo
pz