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Thread: What Effects Us

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! the_origin's Avatar
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    What Effects Us

    silent reflection inhaling the haze's essence
    grazing the block aimlessly pondering this infection
    or rather this consumption induced by misdirection
    of troubled youth polluting my section wit no discretion
    brandishing iron weapons supposedly for protection
    poison our population deflating our coelescence
    what was tightly bonded has now withered with the conception
    of Ronald Regan's plan to expand the digression
    injected in the ghetto wit hatred and deception
    and that begat violence, mistrust of your own brethren,
    infliction of addiction thru systematic selection,
    inflation of our stasis thru systematic collection
    emersed into a cycle thats similar to convection
    we rise and ride the wave til we plummet so whats the lesson?
    how do we elevate when we face constant rejection?
    how do we learn to love when we're raised lackin affection?
    how do we learn to parent without parental connection?
    how do we perservere wit all of these problems pressin?
    how do we pass the test wit pages missing from the text and
    we can't read and write so how do we answer these questions?

    the origin
    Last edited by the_origin; January 2nd, 2008 at 09:52 AM Reason: spelling
    notice when i'm posted and feed me when u see me

  2. #2

    Re: What Effects Us

    I was feeling this piece in a way, but at the same time it was boring me. The flow was alright, and the vocab was off the hook. Rhyming word after word though, just put me asleep. Im sure you know where im coming from, so dont take it wrong. I mean, just look at it in my point of view... It looks like you were writin' words from a rhyming dictionary, and just didn't feel like flippin' to the next page... Keep up the good work though, and ill keep an eye out for more of your pieces. Peace out, and good luck.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! the_origin's Avatar
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    Re: What Effects Us

    good look on the input and i never take it wrong i wanna know what niggas think
    notice when i'm posted and feed me when u see me

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! the_origin's Avatar
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    notice when i'm posted and feed me when u see me

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Shotty Fullclip's Avatar
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    Re: What Effects Us

    Not a bad piece but could use a lil' work. When you put so many of the same kinda rhyming words throughout your whole piece... It's the same as painting a picture using just one color... Try to fix that up a lil' bit.. Try to work on some multi's to.. Maybe to just improve your writing. Your vocabulary is good. So thats one less thing to worry about... But you'll have it on "lock" in no time...

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