The Struggling Moment

[White-Winter]

The Struggling Moment

Emotional moment, adrenaline rushing when I awoken just yawning
Eyes open saw guys approaching (damn) at four in the mourning
Phone rings, silence as I take a quick glance at the whole gang
Heart's beating fast as hell don't want to do the wrong thang
"Quick WW get out the bed (I didn't) then his tone change"
"If you don't, than you're forcing me to let the chrome bang"
Damn fuck the crew, in mind I did wanted to pluck the fools
I'm stuck with tools but I didn't know which duck to choose
Five bitches, just one of me so whatever that's done try quickly
The barrette I brung if I stung at least one will die with me
Lying in hearse, sinned all my life now I'm asking why to the worst
Why me? knowing I did bad shit plus I've been lying in church
Gave me no answer, grabbed a cigarette it promotes cancer
Is what they told me than they attacked like four panthers
Growling with anger, they're really actin foul to be stranger
Blisters on face twisting my waist (really) I am in danger
Battered and bruising, split or blat but splattered they're chosen
Knives thrown than slitted my throat in an accident movement
Everything stops, start arguing and than the heavy gauge shot
BLAW! Brains are furious so they were steady spraying glocks
My nation trail fate, waiting patient as this creation sell late
Now I'm dead I have D.I.E.D R.I.P to mark now at Satan Hells Gate!!!

[White-Winter]

links

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...en-355371.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-356012.html

[.SuiGeneris.]

Hmmm this was an Ok Piece, I felt this could've been more but still this piece had potential. Also, I felt this piece was undeveloped some-what, like why was the four guys coming to the house for what reason?.. That missing piece right there killed this whole verse concept. I know the topic says it all but still in 'any' piece there's have to be a build up. As for the content, it was ok. The Imagery was Good all around, simple but decent at it's best. There wasn't any emotion/Tone in your piece. So I was a bit bored. The approach you've took toward the concept was hmmmm ok. The flow was good and that was the best element in your piece by the way but your wording which was kind of corny/simple kind of killed it. All in all, Ok Piece, had potential. Keep writing. Kudo's!

[White-Winter]

thanks for the feed...

[Don Jay]

yo best shit i eva read on dis site man. yo dont stop dat. u can go 2 da top wit that. word is bond. 10/10.

[White-Winter]

could you go into more detail.........

[Man of Steel Man]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=6119393

^^^hit that please.

Let's see...yeah...you did aight with this one. I will have to agree with SG about not getting the actual point. While I was reading it...i was kinda trying to figure out what the flip was going to be at the end like you were going in on this and the end it would be like a school yard fight over exag. from your younger days or you playing a video game or some shish like that...but in the end...there was no twist...so i guess you can work on having a concept or an aim which can be picked out easily or make it mysterious with a purpose...on the good side...you had a couple good multi's in that which helped to brighten up the piece a bit...thats my take...but im no expert...cheers

[White-Winter]

thanks for the feed.........