Full of Light and Sunshine I'm not - Opus & Tim

[Tim]

Full of Light and Sunshine I'm not
By:Tim



Closed, shut, trapped, hidden
in a tunnel of darkness cold as a snowflake
shiver my skin quakes at my breathe forming circles around my face
my hair hangs over my skin, and it feels as if its filled with pins
my sins clog my brain till I over flow from with in
what is LOVE, Love is Lost over the Very experience of
the feeling.. the doves carrying rose buds over every hug
but its gone, its not there, its like a last breathe.. with no air left
just let me die, please just let me die, i'm so ashamed of myself
i'm a man,big hands where the dirt takes shelter under my nails
those same nails I dug into you.. when I was engulfed with the...well...
no need to remember, a memory is a photo book with blurry pictures
no sound, and poor quality, its subtitled.. and reruns central
but i'm rambling.. why am I scrambling to find things to do
things that will connect me back to you.. that’s it i'm through
as my mind tried to change into a new suit, I found a letter from you
hidden in the pocket it said you where returning, could it be true
I stand at the gates of happiness.. the doors locked but what a view
then you open the gate, the rust vanishes, and all my other thoughts poof
gone.. all I see is u, my poetry u have return to me..
thank you kind words, that pours my soul into a framed statue for all to view
..

[Tim]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ty-355588.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-356016.html

[P. Mortuus]

word nice job tim open for feed at anytime.

This is an Grandeza Classic

[Garth Elgar]

I actually felt Opus outshined Tim on this one, his part had morem eaning, in less words. The content in Tim's was still solid, but I liked the way Opus brought it out. Opus, the wording was fluid, whereas Tim was just more OM style. Both of you did great on this, and I enjoyed the read. I may nominate this piece, gonna think on it. Thanks for the read.

both of you hit this up please.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...se-356152.html

[Garth Elgar]

I decided not to nominate it, but I did like it.

[P. Mortuus]

.....

[Garth Elgar]

Sorry man. I liked it, but not as much as youro ther pieces and Tim didn't drop as well as you did - so I couldn't force myself to. Thanks for hitting my piece, when you do.

[P. Mortuus]

Word Please people leave feed.

[Lay Fear]

This was a deep piece,..lol it was pretty dope,..the wording was on point, I liked the concept. You both had good parts..Opus dropped a sick verse..but so did Tim I didn't think either outshined one another. When I view it as a whole its a good read. I enjoyed it. Keep writingg fella's.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...il-356242.html

[sILLable]

yea i liked this piece...it was poetic yet still OM..i agree with the others..opus out shined tim....wording seemed smoother...some of tims lines drug on but still two solid verses...and i didnt dislike either one.....i like the concept....both had an original twist on it...seemed very dark and depressed..that was the over all tone of it..an enjoyable read..keep droppin the hottness.~1~

hit up this collab yo..i appreciate it..its gettin mad sleeped on..

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-f-355460.html

[P. Mortuus]

Word thanks for the feed guys I will get to them links soon.

[Mysterion]

Made of stone and ice, I'm not.
Sometimes I feel my soul will rot.
This is simplistic.
Locked inside and hidden away,
Never to see the light of day.
The phrase "light of day" is one of the most cliche writing phrase's ever.
Stormy and broken inside of me
Like rolling waves upon the sea,
Waves that crash and scold and scorn.
This is a slight pick-up. I like this.
The lonely rock, the waves adorn.
A dark, dank, gloomy gray;
An island in the stormy bay.
Dark,dank,gloomy...good way to describe the color gray, rather than just saying gray. ha
Waiting anxiously for peace and calm,
For the sun to heal like a soothing balm.
weak. That's a weak comparison..
Waiting for the storm to break,
And fearful nights, with it take.
No more brooding, dark despair.
No more wishing someone would care.
A ray of hope shines through the clouds.
And with it, love and joy abounds.
My heart wil heal; my soul will, too,
Because of love and faith in You.
Ok, although still verycliche. "ray of hope", "heart will heal"

opus: man, this was ok at the borderline. Very cliche, I have seen so many of these phrases done and done again. Your rymhe shceme was also very sad at times, it seemed you followed a more nursery rymhe approach. good write though.


Closed, shut, trapped, hidden
in a tunnel of darkness cold as a snowflake
good, but why use snowflake? Seems a rather dull comparison to me.
shiver my skin quakes at my breathe forming circles around my face
my hair hangs over my skin, and it feels as if its filled with pins
Good imagery here, but dont use feels/feel in the same sentence as fill,fills,filled.
my sins clog my brain till I over flow from with in
what is LOVE, Love is Lost over the Very experience of
the feeling.. the doves carrying rose buds over every hug
this is ok
but its gone, its not there, its like a last breathe.. with no air left
just let me die, please just let me die, i'm so ashamed of myself
average
i'm a man,big hands where the dirt takes shelter under my nails
those same nails I dug into you.. when I was engulfed with the...well...
no need to remember, a memory is a photo book with blurry pictures
no sound, and poor quality, its subtitled.. and reruns central
best lines thus far.
but i'm rambling.. why am I scrambling to find things to do
things that will connect me back to you.. that’s it i'm through
your going nursery like opus..
as my mind tried to change into a new suit, I found a letter from you
hidden in the pocket it said you where returning, could it be true
I stand at the gates of happiness.. the doors locked but what a view
then you open the gate, the rust vanishes, and all my other thoughts poof
gone.. all I see is u, my poetry u have return to me..
thank you kind words, that pours my soul into a framed statue for all to view

Tim- I felt you had a slightly better piece, although im not that impressed with yours either. You had simple comparison, and decriptions to try and put imagery into the readers head. Idk..cool piece.


Overall- an enjoyable piece, BUT it had alot of things that could be revised.
pz

[sILLable]

its more hip hop than poetry man..there all gonna have the "nursery school rhyme scheme"that poetic heads talk about..its hip hop..but that was very detailed explanation...puts most peoples replys to shame..lol..just helpin ya out..no hate.~1~

[P. Mortuus]

^I know lol I guess Po think he knows what hes talking about open for more feed.

[P. Mortuus]

Now we open this for a little more feed please.