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Thread: Cavity Search

  1. #1
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Cavity Search





    Cavity Search




    The tooth fairy flies, the night sky lights up by her glowing wings
    The sweet joy of sugar increases size, as the sudden growing stings
    The gums fall once again, another battle in which the tooth prevails
    Paths are being made bye pain, but who would trail the wrong route canal?
    The bruises, include a braille; sea in which the ship of truth would sail
    But the paste would meet the devil once again, just to regroup in hell
    The tooth fairy leaves the loot and bails, and letting the kid live
    On to the apprentice, in an instance in comes the dentist
    Ready to knock teeth out, like a fighter seeking vengeance
    Mouth wash, cleaned nothing; mouth running hot like the engine
    Simple to see that teeth and life are the same, without resemblance
    Cracked to the point, where it looked as teeth were daggers
    Kissing the faith of the tooth fairy, the sharpness stabbed her
    Precious, blessing the sneeze right above the roof of the mouth
    The eye of the tiger, watches the cubs act ruthless and pounce
    On to the den, spitting the taste of the paste on the couch
    Mouth wash still stinging the face aching, raising an ouch?


    "...Ouch!"



    The darkness takes over, the teeth begin to turn black
    Too late to reverse what happened, too late to turn back
    Jagged and crooked as the deck held no more aces
    But the poor family couldn't afford to buy braces
    Teeth cracked as the pavement, the tooth fairy flies in
    Notices a slight grin, on the dentist's mouth as the lights dim
    Nova cane's the mouth, makes a slight twist with white vice grips
    Though he had a polite gist, his attitude wasn't the nicest
    The patient grows quite stiff, now the lights shift
    Drills start to sound, seems he's seeing his life quick
    Flashing before his eyes, but in this chair he feels he might die
    Mouth too numb can't cry, it seems wrong he doesn't know why
    He saw her, the tooth fairy finally she attends him wit comfort
    The claps in the background, put his teeth in a concert
    She rubs his jaw, and she softly began a song

    "And the dentist walked away from the chair..."

    He saw his mom was there and the pain was gone



    "Lived for the moment, died for the future"
    Last edited by Axe.; December 18th, 2007 at 11:46 PM
    CΛVEMEN
    Axe


  2. #2
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Last edited by Axe.; December 17th, 2007 at 12:09 AM
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  3. #3
    BKA Split Broly's Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    This was actually pretty nice,
    since i've never seen any of your work
    on this site before, but anyways
    the imagery was dope and on point
    it created an image in my mind as i read
    the emotion was also on point, vocab
    was straight, and i liked the way you
    came at this piece, kind of creative IMO
    structure was clean..keep writing.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-355636.html
    RTF on this piece please.

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  4. #4
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Thanks alot man, more feed please?
    CΛVEMEN
    Axe


  5. #5

    Re: Cavity Search

    Preet good man. Nice imagery but you need to work on better mettas and wordplay.

    7/10

  6. #6
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Thanks alot man...more feed would be appreciated.
    CΛVEMEN
    Axe


  7. #7
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Having to be honest i came in really looking forward to a nice spin on a topic that simply leaves very little room for the reader to let his imagination run wild....however you pretty much took it straight on, which left the piece much to be desired..however i will commend you on the fact, you were able to really spice it up with intersting concept play, word play, and metas....it made you think but even though you had those, it still played a small part int he overall "dryness" of the piece. You shows signs of great flow, nice wording etc..and than you had moments where it was definetly forced with odd word choice etc...i think it had more to do with the topic than your actually writing ability on this one...perhaps writing on a concept with a bit more substance will let our talent flutter!

    keep up
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  8. #8
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Its Phade...but upp for more feed please.
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    Axe


  9. #9
    Respect the shooter Orc's Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Nice imagery here man, vivid stuff. The lines seemed a tad stretched at times, though. The flow was cool, the multies were okay - could definitely be worked on, though! Wording was nice, some cool vocab. Creative topic, executed it with originality, too. Stay up & RTF.
    LOL

  10. #10
    Chop Chop Axe.'s Avatar
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    Re: Cavity Search

    Thanx alot man...more?
    CΛVEMEN
    Axe


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