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Thread: Guilty

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Guilty

    Harmonious bells raise me from my eternal slumber
    Burning numbers, and kiddies turning tumblers
    Back to wreak havoc, to seek mavericks, weak magic
    Has sent me home, all my needs are drastic
    The flame in my eyes, decayed by despise
    Surprised? Why, it was you who made my demise
    Played with my life, are you afraid of this knife?
    Afraid that it might, result in pain for your wife?
    I’ll teach you a lesson, like a priest in confession
    Unleash my beast, until it has eaten your present
    Your soul weeps, as you fall asleep on your knees
    I told you, I would make you fucking weaker than me
    ‘I’ll never be judged’ holds less truth than liberty does
    Misery, can soak your fucking wrists in your blood
    I prefer, to take it out on scum, your house or son
    When I come……..GET OUT AND RUN!!!!!

    The trees block me from sight, stopping the light
    From hitting my face, while stalking a fight
    Sitting between the park and the road, locked in the zone
    Because he’s cocky…until he’s caught on his own
    His bedroom casts the only light from the building
    He abandoned me…..so this sighting is thrilling
    I creep down the back alley, smelling victory
    Entice my nostrils, hitting me, instantly curing misery
    He’s a living corpse, basically dead on his feet
    You can have his body…his head; I will keep
    I was told me not to get involved, let shit evolve
    Sit back, relax……and watch these bitches crawl
    But duty was exciting, I could feel the power stream
    Into my mind, cursing my thoughts, and sour dreams
    Now it seems, that I’m too evil to walk this ground
    Block the sound, of screams, in a thoughtless pound
    Forever gone, I’ll never mourn, now I’m living on
    I’m the silver spawn.
    Satan sent me, to seek revenge, on these weakling men
    And make them know what it’s like; to scream…again
    I creep in to the room, sweep him like a broom
    Pain weeps, sin is released to this goon
    I’m hated, discriminated, everyone knows who I am
    I live on regret, I torture those who have sinned
    Torch their homes, using the bones of their men
    Human brains are weak, but it’s inhumane to speak
    The truth….but fuck you, mankind can’t remain asleep
    It will remain to see, what pain will be gained from me
    I’m a present from hell, I’ll drive you insane, you see
    You killed a man? It’s me who makes you feel the remorse
    Torment you, until you lay still in a morgue

    There came a time, that I was abandoned
    People had no hearts, they began to run rampant
    But I’m always here, in the back of your mind
    A message from Satan….your tracks have been signed
    It’s practicing time….
    I’ve been resurrected, because the humans response is
    To try and block me out…..
    I’m your conscience.

    *You know you did it, maybe God will consider forgiving it
    But until then, it’s Guilty until proven innocent*

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  2. #2
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    NICE piece bro. Rhymes kept coming and coming, the way I like it. Lots of feeling as usual I see from you... I'm not so sure about how you wrapped it up with the voice being the conscience, it sure seemed like a real character the entire time, what with stalking somebody to kill them, but, I guess you meant it as they had tried to abandon their conscience and that's why you just wanted their head? I'm not sure, it was kind of confusing, but I really enjoyed the flow of it, I had it going to a nice beat in my head, lol, so that I appreciate cuz it read really easily.

    Harmonious bells raise me from my eternal slumber
    Burning numbers, and kiddies turning tumblers
    Back to wreak havoc, to seek mavericks, weak magic
    Has sent me home, all my needs are drastic
    ^^^at first it seemed like you were forcing lines, and I guess you were, but getting started can be tough and you certainly were on fire after the ball got rolling, but just to say, not the strongest opener possible, but fine. Just didn't fit well with the rest of the subject matter, to me.

    The flame in my eyes, decayed by despise
    Surprised? Why, it was you who made my demise
    Played with my life, are you afraid of this knife?
    Afraid that it might, result in pain for your wife?
    I’ll teach you a lesson, like a priest in confession
    Unleash my beast, until it has eaten your present
    Your soul weeps, as you fall asleep on your knees
    I told you, I would make you fucking weaker than me
    ‘I’ll never be judged’ holds less truth than liberty does
    Misery, can soak your fucking wrists in your blood
    I prefer, to take it out on scum, your house or son
    When I come……..GET OUT AND RUN!!!!!
    Then that entire part after it is just fucking great, it rhymes so clean and ends on a great note to kind of sail off into a chorus or maybe just a four-beat measure without lyrics, but cool stuff... best part was the "liberty does" shit it was tight, man.

    The trees block me from sight, stopping the light
    From hitting my face, while stalking a fight
    Sitting between the park and the road, locked in the zone
    Because he’s cocky…until he’s caught on his own
    ^^^loved that sequence too, the "cocky... until he's caught on his own." HAHAHA how many pieces of shit people does that sum up right there? Seriously, anyone could read that line and immediately think of several ppl that fit that bill. Great thought.

    I creep down the back alley, smelling victory
    Entice my nostrils, hitting me, instantly curing misery
    He’s a living corpse, basically dead on his feet
    You can have his body…his head; I will keep
    I was told me not to get involved, let shit evolve
    Good rhyming but here's where I assume you mean the conscious is trying to catch up with this guy. Am I right? =D

    Satan sent me, to seek revenge, on these weakling men
    And make them know what it’s like; to scream…again
    I creep in to the room, sweep him like a broom
    Pain weeps, sin is released to this goon
    I’m hated, discriminated, everyone knows who I am
    I live on regret, I torture those who have sinned
    Torch their homes, using the bones of their men
    Human brains are weak, but it’s inhumane to speak
    The truth….but fuck you, mankind can’t remain asleep
    It will remain to see, what pain will be gained from me
    I’m a present from hell, I’ll drive you insane, you see
    You killed a man? It’s me who makes you feel the remorse
    Torment you, until you lay still in a morgue

    ^^^all nice, except the "goon" part lol, too obviously forced, but otherwise it made your point really well, it was here that I found your meaning and really enjoyed your take on what guilt does to a person.

    There came a time, that I was abandoned
    People had no hearts, they began to run rampant
    But I’m always here, in the back of your mind
    A message from Satan….your tracks have been signed
    It’s practicing time….
    I’ve been resurrected, because the humans response is
    To try and block me out…..
    I’m your conscience.
    Great ending, the next two lines, too... seriously some fucking great work here, man, I'm impressed. Only a couple of forced rhymes and mostly this is a great topical piece of work. If you wanna RTF plz do so on one of my things in the OM, I've got a solo topical and a collab on the front page. Keep it real man, later.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    Quote Originally Posted by Engivale View Post


    Good rhyming but here's where I assume you mean the conscious is trying to catch up with this guy. Am I right? =D
    Got it in one dude.....thanks for the love dude, I'll get at your piece real soon

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  4. #4
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    Re: Guilty

    damn this was dope i was trying to figure out who the protagnist was cause of lines like these:
    I was trying to figure out who "I" was...nah'mean...guess it was kinda of a dramtic pause that was tight/...the things i see you do in your rhymes are kinda playwright-ish....you have great command of several different literary techniques.....
    Your rhyme schemes are always deep and littered with all types of multis and internal rhymes that meld into the next bar...........
    its hard to give anything you drop anything less than 9/10.........

    this should definitely be nominated for December post of the month....
    atleast in my opinion......
    you gotta show me how you come up with them simple yet complex rhyme Schemes dude//////

    *goes back to notebook infuriated with Yakinov's effortless technical prowess
    .....................

  5. #5
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinizter G. View Post
    damn this was dope i was trying to figure out who the protagnist was cause of lines like these:
    I was trying to figure out who "I" was...nah'mean...guess it was kinda of a dramtic pause that was tight/...the things i see you do in your rhymes are kinda playwright-ish....you have great command of several different literary techniques.....
    Your rhyme schemes are always deep and littered with all types of multis and internal rhymes that meld into the next bar...........
    its hard to give anything you drop anything less than 9/10.........

    this should definitely be nominated for December post of the month....
    atleast in my opinion......
    you gotta show me how you come up with them simple yet complex rhyme Schemes dude//////

    *goes back to notebook infuriated with Yakinov's effortless technical prowess
    .....................
    One word.....Practice

    Nothing comes without practice.....it seems effortless now, but when I started, I really had to sit down and think about what I was writing, now as I said it seems to come of the top of the head, but that's experience. I used to sit and write for hours on end just perfecting a piece, probably still would if I had the time.

    Just keep practicing dude, that old cliche 'practice makes perfect'.....it is very, very true
    Last edited by Witty; December 18th, 2007 at 04:01 PM

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  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Last edited by Witty; December 17th, 2007 at 01:04 PM

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  7. #7
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    Up!

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  8. #8
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    Upping.

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  9. #9
    Threat Level Midnight Tim's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    i love you so much lol you are becoming a very great writer its hard to follow up with what eng said but he was on point with his critic. I was really digging the concept alot it was spot on and the message you gave really had me go back and read it again Kudos my homie we have to collabo sometime....

  10. #10
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Guilty

    word up man!!!!

    thanks dude, I appreciate it.

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