My Own Heaven (IJL Collab)

[P. Mortuus]

My Own Heaven
Written By Smoka


Smoka-
My Own Hell
I rarely opened my eyes at night, my sleep left me consumed
Good thing my parents never knew what I kept in my room
Before I goto bed, I lay on the floor by it and slide up under it
Mind wonderin, staring at the box mattress I start tumblin
Into another world, falling through thin air and blackness
Cold breeze fastens my cheeks to my teeth, now imagine
Stars light up the darkness, billions...trilllions it's tight as fuck
Then the sky slowly turns red like the break of dawn and lights up
I hit the ground, bleeding from the back of my skull...I get up
Out of my bed and walk in for breakfast feelin rough
To see my mother with a huge hole in her face, blood seeping through
'Greetings you!' she chimed....I'm sitting here without a clue
As to what the hell is happening, she grab the tongs she used
And shoved them in my eyes, I must long this abuse...
I couldn't see shit...but I know what is happening to me
I felt the ride through the darkness again and the cold breeze
Will this ever end? ..the blood from my eyes froze to my cheeks
I hope I'll be able to see again, this has gotta be a dream
Just as I thought that...I landed on a jagged rock..DAMNIT DUDE
I gotta hand it to you, you took me man and split me in two
The rock apologized, 'I'm sorry, I'm known for making a strong point'
Ha! a joke...I left my legs and we walked off together to smoke a joint
He asked me how was life, I didn't quite know how to give him an answer
'It's alright...I guess', I said while I checked my legs for another ganther
Nah...they are fucked.....so, what's up with you rock...how's life?
No reply...
I guess he went off into the night..I can't see shit from loss of my sight
BAM! I'm falling again....my body reattaches and my sight recovers
My mom walks in the room...and I'm in my bed, bundled in the covers

[P. Mortuus]

Links.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-s-354970.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-354449.html

[_R@ndom_]

Hot piece man doubt. Strong verse frm both of you.

[P. Mortuus]

^better feed please.

[Soule]

rofl @ better feed please. Also, here's another nomination.

I felt both writers were creative. One came from the darkness and entered the light? And the other I think just lived in both worlds or some shit? Very creative guys. I felt to where Opus has the stronger wording. Smoka had the slightly stronger imagery. But both did EXTREMLY well. Like I said, Opus has the better wording. But both had their strong choices and their wise placements. Flow was fluently perfect on both sides. Slipped right off of my tongue. Imagery was stronger on Smoka, but both did very nice. Concept was just plain dope. Keep writing fellas.

[sILLable]

i liked this collab.....opus...your verse was ill....rhyme scheme seemed stretched in places...good emotion and very nice imagery...your take on heaven was nice...nice wordplay..your multis were nice...not too much other than your rhyme scheme i didnt like about this..

smoka..i liked your verse..stayed on point with your wordplay and rhyme scheme all the way through...you started fallin off right at the end...started soundin a little corny..but only a couple of lines at the end...i like the imagery you used..very vivid and twisted...all being a nightmare was tight..other than the fall off at the end and a couple of lines seeming forced..no other complaints..nice collab from both of you..keep droppin and hit up my piece when yall get a chance..appreciate it.~1~

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...on-355099.html

[Jcorm]

Opus:

I like how you took this and really went with the picture and took it beyond a path. I felt it was sort of an odd transition how you threw in the love part though, i mean i felt it was coming but it just felt odd to me. I can't really put my finger on why. But regadless there were some good images in here.

Overall a good verse

Smoka:

This was full of images and stories which was nice. But it seemed too jumpy. Like I would vibe with one image and then it was just shot out of my mind and replaced with something else and it made me think I was scytzo or something. Good vocab here and a nice flow all the way through. Overall a good verse here as well.

Overall i liked this, the words most definetly fit the picture i felt, and it ran well except for little things so it's reall all good.

Nice job

[P. Mortuus]

Up....

[.SuiGeneris.]

The whole collab concept has been done MANY times but the approach from both writers was fresh somewhat. Opus, Nice vibe from you. The wording in your part was Great..Calming and very emotional. You’re view of a perfect world was Nice, the concept is done again but you’ve came at a different approach. The flow was coo, relaxing but what made me really kept me reading your part was the emotion and wording so yeah, kudo’s brah. Smoka this was cool. Opus with the emotion and you came in with the Imagery w/ graphic detailing words. A little comedy too which switch from that sad vibe to mere comedic vibe and ending this whole collab off on the right note. This collab is dope, even though the concept might’ve bored me a little but the whole different approach by both was done very well. Nicely done job. Kudo’s

[White-Winter]

i liked this piece...opus came with with soft and smooth imagery of heaven while smoka came aggressive and hard immitating hell.....opus you was strecthed in places but it didnt matter as you had a very good flow to cover that up....smoka you came consistant with some very nice lines like

As to what the hell is happening, she grab the tongs she used
And shoved them in my eyes, I must long this abuse...
I couldn't see shit...but I know what is happening to me
I felt the ride through the darkness again and the cold breeze
Will this ever end? ..the blood from my eyes froze to my cheeks
I hope I'll be able to see again, this has gotta be a dream

keep it up