Man He Was..

[Linex]

Man He Was..



Intelligent smart man, stood 5'1 with his heart in his hand
Had his whole life planned, something we couldn't understand
Played in the marching band, so that his mind would expand
Quiet guy, he would rather sit and sing while laying in the sand
Deep intricate thoughts flow wildly in his head solemnly
No one would talk to him, they rather pass by and call him lonely
Educated he was, so homeless would be his last priority
Stayed in school, cared for his brothers, & read bedtime stories
His life was trapped in a maze, no where to get through
So little did he know, what life would he pursue?
Families and kids would look up to him, ask and he'll do
To busy helping them, to bad he didnt notice the problem was you
Went to college for 8 years, a doctor was what he wanted to be
So, according to him theres more things in life than a G.E.D
Could've been a teacher graduated with a masters degree
Middle aged white man, resides in a small condo in Tennessee
Dating thing never worked for him, so he stays single
But don't get me wrong, hes always ready when its time to mingle
Long days at work, the overtime gets to his head
Most men would chill out for a little, but he smokes instead
Sometimes he'll think ahead, sometimes he'll feel dead
The lack of his thoughts, made him feel mislead
He would stress a little to much, him and his devious ways
Stuck in a delusional phase, he wouldn't go to work for days
His visits his parents every weekend, finds out his dad is ill
Even through the pain, he has to sign his fathers will
2 weeks later he comes to find out that his father is dead
Might as well call him monsoon, because tears is what he sheds

His fathers death was a start to a downfall
Little did he know his life would be hitting a brick wall

He went insane, lost his job, his house and his friends
Had no home to go, they say all good things come to an end
Lived on the street as a bum, a house as his shelter
Reminiscing on the days that we....we...were
Feels as if his life was interrupted, with no reason or because
He sits in a box, eats leftovers, with no one knowing the Man He Was

[Linex]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-354370.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ll-354086.html

there ya go^

uppin for some feed now.

[.SuiGeneris.]

This was Nice, I like the flow in this Piece, very Much poetic but I say up your flow a little, but nonetheless this was good. The approach you took was good, I like the word-choices in your piece, it made me keep reading. The story-Line is what really made me keep reading your piece, you stayed on the content, never swayed. I felt though that you stopped completly toward the end, seems undeveloped. He went insane, ok, how did he go insane you got fill the puzzles/pieces when it comes to writing a story-line piece, everything has to be plugged in. All in all, good piece. I enjoyed it.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...wd-354269.html

RTF. ^^

[Broly]

I enjoyed this piece, the flow was very on point
it was also pretty poetic IMO, but the flow couldve
been a little bit better, the way you grasped the concept
was nice, and the wordplay you used was pretty nice too
but the storyline is what really kept me reading on, cause
it stayed on topic, but the end was kind of generic IMO.
but overall this was a good piece, keep writing.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...t-354407.html\
RTF^^

[Linex]

thanks sui, and lev.

i'll hit you guys links up in the next hour or so.

[Vincent Maestro]

first off.....10/10...easily a post of the month candidate....this was a really good rhyme man.....you created a character for us who was homeless but wasn't a stereotype...he's a real person he has a life....he has possibilities successes and Failures...a true SURVIVOR...WITH ALL those setbacks hes still here.....alot of people didn't wake up this morning...they no longer breathing...Nah'mean....

[LedgenZ]

Yeah, this was a great post. Jammed packed with emotional and heart-wrenching content. The rhyme scheme was sick and the flow was ill. The story-line itself, though not entirely original, was still executed to perfection, however, I would have loved to see you developed the whole transition of him becoming a bum just a tad-bit more. But for what it was, it was incredibly good. Also, I think your imagery really struck a cord with me. It had that "real-life" sort of appeal to it. Like I could visualize it without even trying. Anyway, your one hell of a storyteller, don't know if your new to the site or if this is some sort of alias, but whatever the case my be I sure hope you stick around. Good shit, I'm nominating this for HOF! Pz


P.S.- Sorry for the short feed, but I'm tired.

[Linex]

Thanks alot man^

should be my first time getting a nomination on any site, and i'll work on the spots were i need to and i really took my time on this piece. thanks again for the feed.

up.

[Linex]

could get some more feed on this, upp.

[PR Problemz]

What is this?? a poem? Its a nice story but the vocab doesn't work for me