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Thread: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

  1. #1

    Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    he wore his scars on his sleeve, heart on his knee,
    seams of straw barb guarded the song of his dreams
    -she's more settled ashes than dead peddles reborn,
    and her full metal jacket had the warmth of blackness
    hatched in the fabric of metaphor that she wore;
    god's tongues sterile, their prayers wont amuse a listen
    as crucifixes twist at the bottom of a shotgun barrel.
    I went for stars on quick leave and quickly knew a prism
    as I tried to shoot a system that started to undo in millions
    -and her soul leveled mattresses we hadn't had it in;
    before we could even love threw dusk, a new oblivion
    sifted the lust of sunsets and streamlined passages
    I wrote inside of pupils full of sand and sea cries
    beside the sunspots collapse where we had each died.

    we kissed, and the sun loved the moon with bliss
    born delay taken from a day when the love was true
    enough to mistake for dead, below the lips of two
    covered cities where our pity would soon eclipse;
    we sit naked too ashamed to take in a glimpse,
    with eyes shut and guts tied dry lips break the shade
    in a race for climax at the line where finish hides away
    and the sages shelter sex from the mimics on parade.
    as the constellations thrust amongst rippling lungs
    the lust splits a struggling membrane fifty ways
    as dead weight erupts from under the snap of stripping suns
    and the night cums along the splitting rungs of the milky way.

    the sinners sick still have sex in black sequence,
    winter chills and wax weekends beneath a splintered sill
    -watching water fingers spill along the last evening
    we live in this coffin coughing longer until the shivers kill;
    black livers spill the liquor we lived in these glass pictures
    framed by yawning daughters, dawning fathers by name
    namely by daunting odds and the last of past splinters.
    the desk blends in to the four walls of this Warhol:
    a different distance, color, number and deception
    of similar falls given different symptoms of depression,
    as the clock melts against his breath the un-born calls
    for the doctor to operate, come on and savior mortal-
    take this cord and replace abortion with shotgun shells
    to sell yourself short and literal poor an little girl for sale
    -off to hell before the blast can sing a full chord,
    as her dad sways in a noose made of umbilical cord.

    .. his kicks tire of steps left for wishes on dead arms,
    and rumors are blooming too quick for liars;
    two dead stars from one misfire that hit its mark,
    and marked the dawn of nightfall in the middle of march.
    Last edited by Atti; November 22nd, 2007 at 08:45 PM
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    Wow atti reading this was spectacular man... i loved how you opened it fresh with a nice flow of things and the plot settings were nit man... you fitted a nice story with a great vibe and a good tone that followed well along....great stuff man.

    he wore his scars on his sleeve, heart on his knee,
    seams of straw barb guarded the song of his dreams
    -she's more settled ashes than dead peddles reborn,
    and her full metal jacket had the warmth of blackness
    hatched in the fabric of metaphor that she wore;
    god's tongues sterile, their prayers wont amuse a listen
    as crucifixes twist at the bottom of a shotgun barrel.
    I went for stars on quick leave and quickly knew a prism
    as I tried to shoot a system that started to undo in millions
    -and her soul leveled mattresses we hadn't had it in;
    before we could even love threw dusk, a new oblivion misfire
    sifted the lust of sunsets and streamlined passages
    I wrote inside of pupils full of sand and sea cries
    beside the sunspots collapse where we had each died.
    the way you put it to words and the emotion that dwelled comfortably was magnificent and wel possesed man.... you had me grab a smile and keep it there with curiosity man.... you outdid your self this time....wlel in my eyes maybe cause its been a while since reading one of you rpieces but this was a well put verse man...

    we kissed, and the sun loved the moon with bliss
    born delay taken from a day when the love was true
    enough to mistake for dead, below the lips of two
    covered cities where our pity would soon eclipse;
    we sit naked too ashamed to take in a glimpse,
    with eyes shut and guts tied dry lips break the shade
    in a race for climax at the line where finish hides away
    and the sages shelter sex from the mimics on parade.
    as the constellations thrust amongst rippling lungs
    the lust splits a struggling membrane fifty ways
    as dead weight erupts from under the snap of stripping suns
    and the night cums along the splitting rungs of the milky way.
    loved your details in this and the metaphors you executed were nicely done man....just well put with a rhymescheme only you seem to pulling off well man.. great job on this piece atti i totally loved the read and keep it up man.... you are truly a talented writer man
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  4. #4

    Re: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    What they do atti?...This was overall dope. I love the metaphors that you've tangle with your flow, imagery and emotion..The rhyme-scheme was unique as well, I've rarely seen (the 2nd stanza/paragraph) anyone manipulate a poem style. The vocabulary was good and the word-choices you've picked and put down was excellent.The metaphors, emotion and flow was the three things that made me keep reading your piecec, atti. This was very well complex, I saw the title and it caught my eye then, I started reading it and in my mind I'm like "What the world is he talking about?" and I read the ending. Was you talking about a daughter and father being hanged and describing the images through their eyes as they look up in the sky?..Nice techniques but I want to know the concept. Overall, this was dope.

    *PM atti.

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  5. #5
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    Re: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    This was definitely Hot......9/10......vocab was stellar...Imagery was on-point
    I really couldn't grasp the Subject matter thiss piece was a Little Abstract for my Tastes.
    Had qoutables throughout..
    Favorite Lines:
    -she's more settled ashes than dead peddles reborn,
    and her full metal jacket had the warmth of blackness
    hatched in the fabric of metaphor that she wore;
    god's tongues sterile, their prayers wont amuse a listen
    as crucifixes twist at the bottom of a shotgun barrel.
    I went for stars on quick leave and quickly knew a prism
    as I tried to shoot a system that started to undo in millions.......
    That just Sounds Ill homie...bout crucifixes twistin and shitt
    Damn Dawg...Crazy Imagery right there.

  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    Upping this. Thanks for following the rules.

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    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  7. #7

    Re: Two Dead Stars from one Misfire

    thanks for the feed.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

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