acid train

[Judge Judy]

in tune with a sony compact
trippin' martians on some busted leather
eyes nearly closed to the site of a homeless icon
not to be proud of, but the height of poverty
even with 2 hits of sid repressing my mind
i can tell he is lonely, i can sense it...
in his crimson optics, and his absent folicles
dirt smudged on the tip of his nose
just screaming to be bathed and clensed
what kind of mortal would i be to not aid a fellow one
that has been cornered in a station of solitude
sleeping on a metro bench, drowning in his own regrets
bewailing to the lack of a degree
a single noun, has recieved the loyalness
this blue, mangled metro bench...
that this man has been leaking to
all of his regrets are known to this bench
for it has sponged in the years of weep
and comforted a lost cause, in a world of monstrosity
my mind has altered to the lady across
too busy to notice, or to care...
glued to a cell phone, the digital world consumed her
and tore her arms and legs of the pedistal of humanity
mankind is to active to give a shit about him
even under the influence, i manage to deal
times up, as i arrived to the station
by the raspy voice on the loudspeaker
i take one last look at this man, still in the same position
and that littered ego of a woman shouts

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
.
.
i guess it was just the drugs.

[.SuiGeneris.]

This was Nice. I read it twice to get the full idea of what you was writng...The concept was good, not original per say but the approach was different and that what stood out the most to me, is your approach. You had alot of metaphors in this verse and it kind of supported the concept. The emotion of this piece was there. The 'tone' of your piece, I describe it as...Soothe, calm, but yet had this rhythmic feeling to it, nah mean.

this blue, mangled metro bench...
that this man has been leaking to
all of his regrets are known to this bench
for it has sponged in the years of weep
and comforted a lost cause, in a world of monstrosity

^^ Stood out in my opinion. Good drop.

[Know-It-All]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ow-350752.html

hit this for me bro

This piece was good and I liked the concept but like the man above me said its not original. I really loved your metaphors you stuck in there. This was kind of off the wall in creativity. You had great emotion and the over all tone could have been better instead of a laid back tone you should of came with a trippier tone like your trippin' on acid but all in all this was good.

dirt smudged on the tip of his nose
just screaming to be bathed and clensed
what kind of mortal would i be to not aid a fellow one
that has been cornered in a station of solitude
sleeping on a metro bench, drowning in his own regrets
bewailing to the lack of a degree
a single noun, has recieved the loyalness
this blue, mangled metro bench...

this part was my favorite part.

good stuff and keep writing

[Judge Judy]

Good looks.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ck-352104.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...oo-350769.html

[Judge Judy]

Link does not work James.

[Saint Louis]

Dope read mayne.

The wording was straight forward. Placement and choice of words; straight up goodies. imagery was cool. Painted more than enough images in my mind to set up what you were saying. Straight scenerio. Emotion was alright, can't do much with a drug story. Which by the way was a nice addition in the end. Ended the setup perfectly. Keep writing man, hope to collab with you sooner then later.

- Dagel

[Judge Judy]

thanks bump

come on guys, why the sleep?

[Engivale]

Hmm, somewhat difficult to understand as most poetry seems to be for me... Never liked poetry without rhythm... seems more like a freewrite... in any case, the content, so far as I can see, is you notice someone who is kind of reclused or sad, and you want to help, and then your attention redirects to a woman who is on her cell phone, aka, a stupid fucking bitch... lol... in any case, this part erked me a bit

for it has sponged in the years of weep
and comforted a lost cause, in a world of monstrosity

Just the term "years of weep"... kind of odd... I know what u mean but then wish it had been put differently, its almost an ugly phrase I daresay...

It's different, man, I'll give you that, and I believe you may have been on the drugs ur talking about... somewhat effective way to describe an acid trip, I dug some of your lines:

my mind has altered to the lady across
too busy to notice, or to care...
glued to a cell phone, the digital world consumed her
and tore her arms and legs of the pedistal of humanity
mankind is to active to give a shit about him

^^^that part probably spoke the most to me.

Good read, stay up.

[~definition~]

i liked this man,

i tend to like the almost darker presentation of poetry.
i thought you presented the imagary very well in this verse and you had a great use of vocabulary. you can really tell youve been wrighting poetry for a long time. i thought the words maybe couldve came together a tad better but not much better. this poem was dam good. very artsistic and creative.

major ups morph....ill be looking to read more of your stuff



plz hit this poem up with some feed .

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ts-352167.html

[Poeta Demonio]

in tune with a sony compact
trippin' martians on some busted leather
eyes nearly closed to the site of a homeless icon
not to be proud of, but the height of poverty
even with 2 hits of sid repressing my mind
i can tell he is lonely, i can sense it...
in his crimson optics, and his absent folicles
dirt smudged on the tip of his nose
just screaming to be bathed and clensed
what kind of mortal would i be to not aid a fellow one
that has been cornered in a station of solitude
sleeping on a metro bench, drowning in his own regrets
bewailing to the lack of a degree
a single noun, has recieved the loyalness
this blue, mangled metro bench...
that this man has been leaking to
all of his regrets are known to this bench
for it has sponged in the years of weep
and comforted a lost cause, in a world of monstrosity
my mind has altered to the lady across
too busy to notice, or to care...
glued to a cell phone, the digital world consumed her
and tore her arms and legs of the pedistal of humanity
mankind is to active to give a shit about him
even under the influence, i manage to deal
times up, as i arrived to the station
by the raspy voice on the loudspeaker
i take one last look at this man, still in the same position
and that littered ego of a woman shouts

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
.
.
i guess it was just the drugs.

Okay, i actually liked this piece, lets get the bad parts out the way first... some of the word placement seemed a little awkward to me, such as the years of weep line, and every now and again it was like the line didn't feel like it should end there, but you would skip on to the next point, i mean maybe that was a point you were trying to make in the sense of a physical metaphor being that your on drugs therefore your train of thought is all over the place... but aside from that it was nice. i actually liked the concept, i didn't think it was un origional at all, i thought it was very true to life, and well life is "un origional" if you can't write real, why write at all... msot of the people that put this down write non factual, non realistic, pointless (in my opinion) pieces... where as this is very true to life... some people do look like they are in need of guidence or help, yet they just don't want it... and i think this portrayed that in a nice light... i think the acid itself was a metaphor for "everything is not as it seems"... which if so, nice touch. In terms of content i believe this worked very well, you had some real nice metas in here, and a nice ballance of simplicity and complexity... which also worked nicely in your favor. we shoudl collab some time, and MAYBE if you keep this up i'll have a word with the guys to get you a spot in AI... but that's a maybe lol nice read man. stay up and keep writing.

[Judge Judy]

thanks a lot for that feedback.

[Liquid Content]

Not a bad piece here man... i see your starting to get back to where you used to be... The concept was alright, been a little played but you made good with it. Your flow was alright for the most part, your wording was a bit choppy here and there but it wasnt all that bad.. your emotion was felt but you could beef that up a little bit, and your imagery was there aswell.. not all that bad of a read from you.

[NiNjah Red]

nice images. and vocab was smooth coupled with same wording. . though there seemed to be a few spelling errors here and there.
all in all the journey was made most interesting by the way you poeticaly crafted the verse.
i reckon iyou could of edited the verse to sharpen it a little more and cut out the few errors.
still was a nice read

peace