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Thread: The Sun Smiles

  1. #1
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    The Sun Smiles

    A Child Looks Up And See The Sun Cry
    Broken Buildings And Crack Landscape Derive From One Lie
    She Hope That The Eye Of Forgiveness And Understanding Command This Hellish Realization To Be Untrue
    Visions Of Mister With Sinister Grins
    Undressing To Penetrate And Destroy A Virgin Beginning
    “i Can’t Believe It” Rings In The Dome
    But No One Hears What Is Spoken
    She Moves To The Mirror And Wish The Water To Purify Her Soul From Within
    Lite Scratches From Matches Of “get Off Me And Leave Me Alone” Only Prone Rage And Disbelief
    The Vessel Of Pure Now Tainted With Hate
    She Plots How To Make Mister Taste What’s On Her Plate
    Her Fate Wrote Out In The Yell Of The Bedroom And The Tears That Smear A Once Clean Bed
    In Her Head Show The Melodic Passion Of Gunshots And Salt To The Wounds
    Hate Comsume And Bleed It Will Till She Resist No Longer
    She Grab The 4 Pound And A Pound Of Beef
    Stick Vicodin And Lortab In Slabs Of Burger To Set The Murder
    So Once Bitten She Write The Final Chapter
    6 After Nine Mister Walks In And Talkin About The Day And The Job
    She Sway With The Blob Of Metal To Rain On His Parade Iin Her Back Pocket
    “i Fix Ya Meal Hope That The Burger Appeal To Your Appitite
    Serve The Sandwich With Lite Mustard And Heavy Mayo
    He Bites
    She Smiles
    He Gasp
    She Grin
    And Began Hate Evil Twist
    He Look With Amazement Gazing At What Could Be His End
    He Bends And Throw Up To Save Whats Left Of His Life
    He Peers To See A Gun Then
    Pow
    She Falls To The Ground Looking At The Sun
    And The Sun Smiles……

    Closed until two links are PMed to me.
    Last edited by Neruda II; October 11th, 2007 at 11:37 PM

  2. #2

    Re: The Sun Smiles

    this was ok but you should fix your structure and not write your piece like this "My Heart Want To Cry, Cuz Im Gonna Die" because it takes of focus from the reader and make it hard to comprehend what your reading. now onto your verse, alot of emotion. which is good but you didnt have metaphors or similies and the imagery was on and off. verse didnt flow smoothly but if you keep it at it'll improve with time

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