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Thread: ' War of Worlds '

  1. #1
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    ' War of Worlds '

    War of Worlds.
    -Part 1-

    Chapter 1:
    ‘The Making of Daniel’
    .
    A young fighter…born to be much brighter
    Fumed with hate – & anger as the lighter
    Inspired, by his father –
    .
    Training day & night, only to fight for glory
    Though he……just had dreams to soar free
    .
    A the age of five,
    Lost his pride, as he –
    .
    Lost his mother, & relies on his brother for health
    Though his eyes realize, he must fend for himself
    The day his father returns, the past can be burned
    As every cent of pain & stress, this boy had not earned
    .
    The young boy lies in his bed, waiting for the end
    Just so he can finally see…his long lost father again
    .
    .
    Chapter 2:
    ‘The Other Side of the Country’

    The roars of war……soar
    For - only thoughts to explore
    Only before –
    .
    The shields bash,
    From the armies clash,
    A quick slash,
    & The King dropped –
    As the puddle of blood splashed
    .
    One down –
    As the men surround … to retreat
    Swords hit the ground -
    As the mighty soldiers admit to defeat
    .
    The young boy frightened
    His chest suddenly tightens
    .
    As his glee folds,
    When he beholds,
    .
    ‘The view of the ground below
    Lays his father on his shield…
    With a sword attached to his chest’
    .
    .
    Chapter 3:
    ‘Like Father Like Son’

    With his father…fallen
    This young boy hauls in
    The remaining army -
    ‘They shall not harm me ‘
    .
    With time stalling
    .
    He gives a speech
    That must reach
    .
    The rest of the city
    .
    He Chants –
    .
    ‘With my father paved
    Those basterds shall pay’
    If we don’t fight for right -
    The whole country will slave ‘
    .
    The men train for pain…day and night
    No signs of fright, they prepare for fight
    .
    All of the boy’s soldiers…ready to die
    As he trains - steady…yet only for pride
    .
    .
    Chapter 4:
    ‘Revenge’

    5 Years Later…
    .
    Now as a teen, it’s seems he means anger
    Trained so hard, his arm acts as a dagger
    .
    His wounds heal, as his faith sealed
    Killing many, as his angers revealed
    So many of the innocent remain battered
    “Kill everyone till those little basterds scatter”
    .
    The mission – to listen, avenge his father’s death
    City by city, with no pity until the bastards confess
    .
    After months of hell, he returns to his home, alone
    With a goal in mind, to tear down the statue of stone
    .
    .
    Chapter 5:
    ‘Take the Throne - Katrina’

    He stands tall – yet shocked by his weakness
    His queen, still awake, both remain sleepless
    He treats this, as a prize, his eyes set on a goal
    As he & his queen stand together as a whole
    .
    The day of the wedding
    … He keeps dreading
    .
    As he’s yet to get – her, the priceless ring
    His mind set on becoming his father – the king
    Shaking – as he’s breaking, the kings statue
    While the queen sat through,
    .
    …The pain –
    It’s insane; he’s
    .
    Remarking his name in stone
    …The queen remains alone
    .
    As she turns her back
    Katrina attacks,
    .
    Leaving the queen –
    .
    Daniels mom bleeding
    She’s pleading…
    .
    .
    Chapter 6:
    ‘The Final Battle‘

    The queen – lying in pain that’s unbarring
    Katrina, laughing the in the face, just staring
    .
    Silence – followed by defiance
    As Daniel walks in – trying to be unbiased
    .
    “MY MOTHER! - MY QUEEN!” He yells
    With her dead – all of the laws in Greece have fell
    .
    His anger strikes – taking a swing at his soon-to-be wife
    She yells in pain ‘my father & his men will be here to fight ‘
    .
    As the starting of a new war ‘best expect to come the kings way ‘
    The messenger bellows -
    As the grave sight of the queen, millions will have respect to pay
    .
    So at the queen’s funeral
    .
    Over a thousand men stand a foot, ready to die with pride
    With none shook, millions approach – followed by Daniels ex bride
    .
    .
    ….
    Empire

  2. #2
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Last edited by Tragedian.; October 1st, 2007 at 03:42 PM
    Empire

  3. #3
    Chemo sick Plexus's Avatar
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    well this is what ive been waiting for dj...

    finally my man lol...

    Now to be honest I loved it. The way you filled each chapter with great detail in such little pieces was great. The flow, which was a lil spotty in areas, really was good throughout the piece man. The imagry started off a lil slow but quickly picked up in the second chapter and really had me picturing it the rest of the way through. The emotion was obviously there with out doubt. The young mans pain and anguish were very visable. I mean my favorite part about the entire piece was the storyline. It was really incredible how you tied each one in together and they meshed beautifully. There were a few areas where grammer errors showed but not enough to mess with the overall verse. Overall dj this is why your in VI, well aside from you bein a coo dude, your a fantastic writer my nigga. BTW the ending i thought finished off a fantasticly written piece beautifully man...

    …The pain –
    It’s insane; he’s
    .
    Remarking his name in stone
    …The queen remains alone
    .
    As she turns her back
    Katrina attacks,
    .
    Leaving the queen –
    .
    Daniels mom bleeding
    She’s pleading…
    .

    one of my favorite parts...the deception is great...


    DAMN good job here dj..

    you need to keep dropping and we need to collab
    Monster's Ink

    2xOMHoF


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  4. #4
    Hustle.Simmons
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    you sicc phuk ! lol, dawg, I was all in from jump off this one. Chapter 3 was ill,
    With my father paved
    Those basterds shall pay’
    If we don’t fight for right -
    The whole country will slave'
    .
    Drop was one of the best that i've seen in awhile, your imagination is deep as well.
    Overall I give 8 muhfuccin 10's.
    .Different toilet.


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    .. .Same shit .. .

  5. #5
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    Thanks alot.
    Empire

  6. #6
    Vegeta™
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    Damn forreal i usaually dont read this shit but this was pretty dope..nice emotion and great peice.

  7. #7
    I'm Illie DrUnK-N-MuNkY's Avatar
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    You got off to a slow starts and i wasn't bout to read more,but i said "what the hell"

    and i'm glad i did.It was real good,and thats last Chapter was the highlight of the entire thing mayne.


    Good story brah

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    Let The Beat Build Bitch

  8. #8
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    Thanks alot. Upp.
    Empire

  9. #9

    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    wow chap.3 was good I was kinda not interest in the beginning but i got into it, it was good i felt hella emotion in this...you seem like a good story teller...Peace

  10. #10
    . . . Tragedian.'s Avatar
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    Last upp.
    Empire

  11. #11
    Banned
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    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    nice opening yo , i see you out to lock the game down fe'sho, seems like you an artist that's traveled a long way in a short time.
    coz yea this ish is str8 poetic - with rap flow to it to boot, and you shaped the format somewhat professionaly for this piece, probaly to a level i can't even fuck with,

    rhymes was nice as well, imagery was inrense,


    critisism--
    i felt at some point about half way thru the verse that certain words needed to ne either plurarised, - or rearanged,.... althoiugh you did get it right in other places, so it was a slight contrast as such.

    neway

    dope poetic work seriously.......... worded skillfuly, and most fluent


    Daniels mom bleeding
    She’s pleading…
    ha, that's me, Dan



    i'm not sure if i followed the final line properly, it seemed a bit worded dificultly, ??.....


    so i'd say i like the start and the middle more the ending as such, but all i n all a nice poetic works, that had some good emotion in it, maybe could of had a somewhat sickly metaphor or two to add to the package, but yo illy piece

    1

  12. #12

    Re: ' War of Worlds '

    Yo this shit was off the meat rack duke; you created different Chapters and a new meaning but kept the story-telling connected together. This was a great display of what Jay-Z is trying to do with his new album \\American Gangster// I give this joint an 8.5, I don’t see any area for rebuilding that I can personally tell you, but the subject matter is what made this piece worth value.

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