Roots don't grow in sand.

[Poeta Demonio]

i was arrested for feeling the music,
she was my mistress of hard labour...
the shovel that dug out my eyes in
summer heat; whilst flies gathered
round my corpse like stillness to eat
away at my defeat; i am the bitter
harvest, that renames your crops famine,
i bring tears to your children's cheeks
& taste your people's blood in slow
moving tree tops; a pulse known only
to delta blues, a retched stench
dancing through the air to a swinging
body; slaves in my path, with white faces
sprinkled around the seams of this
black and crimson red cloth.
Mahogany skin against blinding
blue skies. a place where your god
dares not enter, and angels wings
would merely burn in mid flight.
Disease is your birth right, through
dirty waters of wasted feces, swimming
in urine water falls, then bathed in
rotting flesh rock formations;
Paradise is made of human remains.
Racially profiled fields bare
home to cob web guitars and cracked
acapella voices, a history undeniable,
yet a black mans gospel truth.

[Poeta Demonio]

upping. come on guys.

[Brandon Cee]

The opening line is perfect Poeta, it feels like that sometimes for sure. Metaphorically dope and just lyrically dope, the wording was nicely done. I love poetry because it doesn't have to rhyme, but sometimes it can become a rant, glad to see it wasn't. Nice job like I said, though a little short, you did what you wanted, so nice job.

hit up my piece in OM if you could called "Si Erutan"

[Poeta Demonio]

Upping.

[The Cycle]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...26#post5959126

This surely had a dark tinge to it, pretty creative piece, I really
enjoyed the topic you chose something very abstract to write to!

Disease is your birth right, through
dirty waters of wasted feces, swimming
in urine water falls, then bathed in
rotting flesh rock formations

That was decriptive in a dark way.. it really fits in well with your topic and is just awesome! Easily my favorite lines of an amazing piece. Now im not one to get into imagery and such but there is no way I cannot mention imagery DESCRIPTIVE imagery after that stanza I quoted above, just phenomal. I mean there was some things that may have been worded better but it really isn't needed. So dude overall I really enjoyed this piece. Hit my link above, and I would love to co-write with you sometime!

[Stryk9]

actually you can grow carrots in sand. lol

but on to the piece,

Your working with alot of strong images here and im getting the theme or underlying connectedness with the subject of racism and all that comes along with that. The white seams around the cloth is a really nice set of lines, but would probably benefit from having "red" dropped since crimson is already telling us that, remember to stear clear of redundancy. the "delta blues" really flows off the tungue when reading it, though im not sure what its refering too (im assuming its either a regional jargon or some other thing which my northern canadian self hasnt come across) but no worries, i think specific references like that enrich poetry. At certain spots your heading into more abstract words with "famine...disease...angels" and i think this could be looked at and specified more concretely. Also, some lines are a bit too melodramatic and since your trying to get acrross a very deep message its actualy more potent to understate what your saying. Things like "urine waterfalls" have to go, because they just rbeak the spell and are too overwrought.


I actualy don't ever respond to poetry on this site, but you've got alot of things working for you here, and some originality. some revising would really strenghten what your trying to say but you've got a nice foundation here.