Intoxicated

[Witty]

the moonwashed alley, gives no hope of life
just a rope in sight, companied by a broken bike
I froze in fright, shadows engulfing my mind state
thoughts of blind hate, and the raise in crime rate
a damned place, you can catch disease from a band-aid
stepping on a needle, is like opening hell's gate
to think, kids play, spend most of their day here
if you only got stabbed once...you're having a great year
I stare at the boulder dash houses, pain in my eyes
once great pillars of life.....just waiting to die
saying a patient goodbye, rotting away, brick-by-brick
in the way, the victim of the needle decays.....
.........Prick-by-Prick...........
the moon is wrapped in clouds, no light in the street
the shroud of dark, makes my heart, take a frightening leap
But I remain here, just watching this lonely place
where even holy grace, refuses to point it's rays
a place where everything happens, but nothing is said
addicts, just fall on this spot when they're dead
criminal elders, become the disease of the youth
they say, monkey see, monkey do
a stream running through my mind, never dying
spying, upon an old wino's liver crying
It's weird how it works, shadows need light to exist
this alley, needs a mordern world, to lie in the mist
otherwise, it would just be a daily thing to see
and right now, wouldn't mean anything to me
So I just watch, as parents and tots remain asleep
witnessing the last stand, of the intoxicated street

[Witty]

upping.

I'll edit my links in by the end of the night.

[Soule]

I saw a few lines that seemed like spelling errors or gramical errors. like "brick-my-brick". Just didn't seem right to me. Other then that the flow was cool and the rhymescheme was nice. I loved the metaphores/similies and the storyline. That ..

if you only got stabbed once...you're having a great year

line was FUCKIN DOPE. I loved it. The worduse was pretty nice and fluent excluding the few parts that seemed either mis-spelled or mis-used. The Emotion was nice. The Imagery was amazing. overall a dope piece. Keep writing.

[Alex DeLarge]

Real great rhyme scheme man! Flowed well, and you had some just...REAL lines, you know? Some true street lines that made you the reader just nod. The line that Ghost mentioned was illism. It was one of those "my hood" drops that came off as an original entry of descriptive storytelling.

[Opus]

this was really good man. the concept wasn't too crazy however, the poetics of it were so strong that it gave the piece another dimension. the only thing that i didn't personally get with the whole time was the fluency and the word choice. due to the scheme you chose the piece because too systematic for the free flowing nature of the story with the approach. what ended up happening was the piece because very stop and go despite the multiples, and the poetic values were kind of underminded by the mechanicalness of the scheme as a whole. so, loved the content and everything.. flow just wasn't really fitting in my opinion.

[Infinate Skillz.]

Hit this when you have the time, thank you.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=5916395


So basically, i haven't read one of your pieces in a minute, so i'd thought i'd take the time to read this one, first off i love the metaphores, and the rhymescheme, imagery was spectacular. And basically your a great writer, one of the best actively. And your style is smooth, and flows quiet good with your pieces. At first i wasn't really into the topic, but when i read your first few lines, they we're sick. Some we're dope, and some we're just cool, which makes your piece into a dope accomplishment, nice job.

[LedgenZ]

Obviously this was dope. Everything was extremely on point and masterfully positioned. You had tons of imagery exploding within your lines and an even doper flow to carry it. Like Opus said the poetic tone of this piece was it's best asset, as too was it's rhyme scheme, which was very complex. I'm not sure what made you write this, but judging by the title I can assume it was something alone the illegal lines of the law that played a major influence. Anyway, the title was a fitting summary and matched the content perfectly. No real qualms with this piece at all, just wish you'd given us more pages to flip through!






Favorite Lines:

the moonwashed alley, gives no hope of life
just a rope in sight, companied by a broken bike
I froze in fright, shadows engulfing my mind state
thoughts of blind hate, and the raise in crime rate
a damned place, you can catch disease from a band-aid
stepping on a needle, is like opening hell's gate
to think, kids play, spend most of their day here
if you only got stabbed once...you're having a great year
I stare at the boulder dash houses, pain in my eyes
once great pillars of life.....just waiting to die
saying a patient goodbye, rotting away, brick-by-brick
in the way, the victim of the needle decays.....
.........Prick-by-Prick...........
the moon is wrapped in clouds, no light in the street
the shroud of dark, makes my heart, take a frightening leap
But I remain here, just watching this lonely place
where even holy grace, refuses to point it's rays

^Flow wise that was straight fire from top to bottom, the emotion was also ramped and running amuck. Not to mention the incredible amount of imagery induced within those lines. Seriously, that entire passage was flawless in my eyes. Absolutely nothing about it should be changed. Great fucking Job Wit.






Finally:

a stream running through my mind, never dying
spying, upon an old wino's liver crying
It's weird how it works, shadows need light to exist
this alley, needs a modern world, to lie in the mist
otherwise, it would just be a daily thing to see
and right now, wouldn't mean anything to me
So I just watch, as parents and tots remain asleep
witnessing the last stand, of the intoxicated street

^This is just a complete and utter rampage of ideas rushing all at once. The emotion is almost seeping through the computer screeen. I fucking loved it to say the least!


All in all this was an excellent piece with little to no error. I thoroughly enjoyed the time I spent reading your work .... I actually feel like a more cultured individual now that I have - as strange as that is! Anyway, stay up!




pZ

[niggerican]

Dope, dope, and dope. The imagery of an alley came into my head while reading this, I just have no idea why oh my gosh. Yeah, but good work dude, keep ya head up and keep writing!

[GrimmyReaps]

damn good shit homie idk why u aint in SS right now. i always liked ur rhyming and the rhyme skeme in this was good u keep good content in ur lines and ur structure was good....

a stream running through my mind, never dying
spying, upon an old wino's liver crying
It's weird how it works, shadows need light to exist
this alley, needs a mordern world, to lie in the mist

i like that lil section the most it was really deep i think and i conected to it well it reminded me something in my life i likd it tho homie good shit...

rtf