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Thread: She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

  1. #1
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

    Italics- OnSlaught
    Normal- Poeta

    She left with my pride.
    Running away gasping, while she has me laughing,
    grasping onto a moment in time to catch the sun passing
    it's fun when you're on top, but when your lucks gone flop
    and drops to the floor, broken standing at her door,
    demanding she lets you in, but no, she'd rather you
    alone together with sin, the weather caves in, then falls
    on my parade, i throw a bottle of jack at the sky...
    almost as a trade; yet foremost i'm a slave, of my own device
    heart protruding from that sluts hormonal vice.
    she has my mind trapped, strapped to maps, just to find
    direction, but as my spine snaps back i find a sense
    of mis conception towards a view that money is everything ,
    instead of a brother that fucks well, but could never pay
    for your wedding ring, but would sing, just to see you smile,
    and hold you in his one room apartment, kiss you for a while...
    the alarm clock rings, but it stings my ears, water bouncing
    of my cheeks, like i've got springs for tears, and it stains
    these years, as i sub-stain to follow my peers, even with
    a bad influence for desert, i don't want an ounce of pity
    from you jerks, i just want a side order of self worth.

    An everlasting over-cast in his concience, the aim never
    far from a certain boulder-dashed nonsense;
    A glazed stare better fitted for ceramic figurines,
    and dispersed thoughts long for a memorandum of routine.
    This bottle top locked in a mottled rotting of mind,
    with gaunt fingers clocking the pan of bile riddled upset -
    Up gets a cracked man who's mind has been corrupted
    A sepia scene - yet bottle green, of dying floorboards,
    patterns trail, of a boy who sings with all the colors in his
    heart; brush strokes, as he chokes from tightening the
    strings on his mellow guitar.
    Where the sky seems to ball and weep her name, he throws his
    gaze up and catches sight of the ground he aims
    to reach, but never will, because his hands are
    full with a bottle and the label's sweating;
    a run around the track a few times and he can barely
    walk, with venomous medicine treading him numb.
    His skin becomes to fold under time, the cold arises
    to the challenge and races the alcohol to his spine,
    with no apparent reason or truth - his trophial life
    walked away,
    she walked away because material had replaced him.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

    Hmmm..Okay

    Poeta: Your verse seemed patchy, i don't know what it was, it flowed okay i mean threre wasn't much I could say was wrong really, but it felt incomplete for some reason i don't know...anyhow, it had many shining moments in it, some parts of it were average filler type sounding while others were dope...there were lines I found really good, for no other reason than they sounded right and actually made me enjoy the piece....maybe it's harder for you to come back to topicals but i know the X factor is still there and I'm pretty sure your gonna nail it pretty damn soon man.

    Dat: Yup a good verse here, but it may seem as if the poetry aspect is clinging on to you and the subtle rhymescheme that is placed in poetry sometime affected the verse you wrote....i don't know mayeb you did it by purpose maybe you didn't...however, i don't think it negatively affected your piece as it seemed sound. However, there were parts of your verse that i beleive you went over the top with, maybe you were trying to cram i too much description...However, on a whole I found that it was different than Poeta's but a good narrative to his 1st person perspective.

    Overall, I found this to be a good collab, not a great one though, everything was there but the polish of the piece was missing, it seemed as if it was either botched up together quick or you to put less effort in or maybe your just getting warmed up in topicals again i don't know.

    Some contructive criticsm will be appreciated:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...in-345689.html

    EDIT: Yeah dat, i read it as a topical, though it felt like a poetic verse, no wonder it did feel kind of off lol. Stay up^.
    Last edited by P. Mortuus; August 14th, 2007 at 01:19 PM
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
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  3. #3
    I got fire! Rah Gwahn's Avatar
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    Re: She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

    Thanks for the feedback bro, it'd be interesting to know if you read it as a topical verse though? I wrote my part freely thinking it'd be put into PS, so maybe that's what seemed off. But it's all cool, i'll drop some feed now. That can contribute as my link.

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    [Po'Ethics][Written Voices]

  4. #4

    Re: She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

    This is the second piece I've read on this site. And it was incredible. Both verses were worded wisly. With no spelling or grammer errors. Placement was perfect on each line. The Rhyme scheme was fantastic. Onslaughts verse was very poetic as said above ..

    Quote Originally Posted by Onslaught
    Thanks for the feedback bro, it'd be interesting to know if you read it as a topical verse though? I wrote my part freely thinking it'd be put into PS, so maybe that's what seemed off. But it's all cool, i'll drop some feed now. That can contribute as my link.
    We can tell but it still came out great. The Syllables were watched and kept straight inside the flow nicely. Story, amazing. I'd say this isn't legends though it is potentially there. But it is being nominated. Keep writing gentlemen.

    -Pumpkin King

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Re: She left with my pride. Ft. OnSlaught

    Poeta - You used a poetic type of form of writing even considering it was topical..it still had that wrap around poetic feel to it..which as the verse went on it got better as far as flowing and transition, i think the beginning it just read a bit uneazy. However, like i said eventually you really got on it, and started using that poetic device to perfection. Your story was very straight forward, which suprised me a bit, cuz i figured you to be very metaphorical so that was cool in a sense that shows you have range beyond metaphores..and you can still bring depth from straightness. So you had a decent story line..showed some good emotion/imagery...it was simplistic but still complex enough to enjoy.


    Onslaught - Very impressed with you vivid use of imagery. You kind of went the way i thought poeta was going to go. However, you used the technique of metaphores complexity very well. sometimes the vocab got a bit wordy created confusion , however it brought life to your verse at the same time..i dont think your part of the story was as straight forward as poetas but it still brought a nice closure to the story he told..which complimented well. I thought your wordchoice,wording and all that were very impressive...your imagery was nice..emotion was faulted because of your focus on other parts of your piece....maybe just me. However very indepthly written..


    Overall - It could of used a small stanza to tie the verse together a bit better..make it more as ONE. then 2 seperate verses..however you both came wiht different styles...and it still managed to compliment well for a nice read.


    please hit this up..

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nt-345782.html

    OR my collab with Legendz.
    Succeed Without Fear



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