Soldier Within.

[Psuedo.]

My heart screams to be released
For it is haunted
By the sounds of drum beats and gunshots
Something neither my heart
Or my brain has grasped
Never fired a round
Never let the demon within out
Never…
But I can feel this
Every day
Just trying to keep up with my heart and it’s rushed sounds
Every minute of everyday it yells
Why won’t this stop?
It just continues
Marching on like a wind up solider
I used to play with
Since when do citizens
Occupy the front lines?
Giving their lives
For an empty case
I no longer wish to feel
To hear
To witness my heart scream so…
Stop the images
The bloodshed
The tears
Just stop the world
An let me step off
Take the AK from my hands
Unclip the helmet that rests upon my head
My washed out brain now joins my heart
It feels as if this cry will
rip my jaw from it’s hinge

[LedgenZ]

I thought this piece was pretty tight, very simplistic, yet so meaningful. You did an excellent job, given the vocabulary you chose, to create a intense sense of overwhelmingly mental and physical exhaustion. Your character just seemed at the end of his rope as if he could no longer cope with the ills of reality. I fucking loved it! I fucking loved it because it was so true to life. We've all been there, as poets we've all felt as if we'd crumble underneath the weight of the world. This piece had a sense of failure, a sense of hopelessness about it.....as sense of "what can I do, nothing seems to help". It was just so relevant, so honest, so raw. I'm sure some cats will say you could have used more imagery or a strong vocabulary, but I say fuck it...the communication was there and that's what it's all about

Favorite Lines:

Why won’t this stop?
It just continues
Marching on like a wind up solider
I used to play with
Since when do citizens
Occupy the front lines?
Giving their lives
For an empty case
I no longer wish to feel
To hear
To witness my heart scream so…
Stop the images
The bloodshed
The tears
Just stop the world
An let me step off <------------ WOW!!!!
Take the AK from my hands
Unclip the helmet that rests upon my head
My washed out brain now joins my heart
It feels as if this cry will
rip my jaw from it’s hinge

^ I applaud you son....seriously.


P.S. RTF (The Minority) you might like it.


pZ

[Psuedo.]

^thanks man

[Poeta Demonio]

Nice little simplistic piece here man, it kind of struck a chord with me... it seemed more like a rant than a formulated piece, hence the reasoning for the wording being maybe slightly off. It was like it went from easy on the tongue to streched, which thew the overall smoothness of the piece a little, so in your next piece i would advise working on that. Otherwise your style reminds me of an earlier "exact" so i think if you persist with this style you should master it within time. you have alot of potential, and i'd love to see you shine to your fullest. nice little piece.

[Ntalek]

Yeah...I'd have to agree with the above statement's on the simplicity...but it doesn't take much vocab or imagery to get across what you were saying..I enjoyed the read and the emotion was felt..though I'm not into poetry that much..this was coo..i think that the realism is what made this stand strong..4-sho..and keep writing...

[Psuedo.]

an earlier exact.. lol i feel proud.. thanks man for the feed

[Psuedo.]

Yeah...I'd have to agree with the above statement's on the simplicity...but it doesn't take much vocab or imagery to get across what you were saying..I enjoyed the read and the emotion was felt..though I'm not into poetry that much..this was coo..i think that the realism is what made this stand strong..4-sho..and keep writing...

yea, thanks man

[Cody Nash]

cool piece, liked it.. simple and to the point. it seems like you're breaking the true soldier down into a wimp? a different take on things but semi-original. vocabulary was plain, but it still fit well with the meaning and what the piece was trying to tell the reader. just a simple read really, enjoyable but nothing too intense.


- Cry