User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 13 of 13

Thread: Frame Of Mind

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF

    Frame Of Mind

    Walking a barren, desolate road, depressed, on my own
    Thinking of resting at home, by the fire, drinking, dressed in a robe
    I dream of scotch on the rocks, not these blood blots on my socks
    copping these mocks, from fools, who want me to drop on the spot
    I refuse to do that, this is a game.........that I refuse to lose at
    Twist me in pain, piss on my brain, I'll do worse to you, so move back
    Holding my flask, I'll devote to the task, blow smoke to my past
    My hopes and my plans, provoke me, but I won't fold in the blast

    This world is a temptress, whose fury unfurls at the strengthless
    picking you apart, like a jealous, furious girl...........it's relentless
    Homing in, on your home again, until, you're swoll with sin
    crush you like a rolling pin, then takes you to death's ocean.....
    and throws you in.


    Back to my story, there's cut on my back, and it's gory
    why don't I have a dog attacking them for me?
    I try to fight back, but they slash, blood pours to the ground
    it shines, like a china doll with a porcelain gown
    forcing a crown, on to the top of my head, it's agony
    I'm not Jesus, nah, they're just plain out attacking me
    Wiping blood from my eyes, mixed with mud, and my cries
    I look at the fence, and arise, I'm some what surprised
    There's a gap in the metal, plain as black on a kettle
    It's small, fuck it.........gimme a crack and I'd settle
    I don't stop, I just dash, to every spot, like a rash
    darting around cars, I foil their plot with a crash
    on the slippery grass, crawl through the modest parting
    a trip and I scrap, look back and see the sargeant darting

    burning with anticipation, I get through in bliss sensation
    This vacation, is one to forget, but I forget to hasten
    And they follow me, that jack rabbit and his colony
    They don't even want to kill........it's isn't voluntary
    Forced in to obeying the scum of the earth's surface
    but I kept praying, and now all his work's worthless
    His name is death, I'll see him when I'm laid to rest
    And I'll do his dirty work, live inside his blazing chest
    The fire burns, when the sire learns, that your life's gone
    so my song, is to tell you.......what's right's.....wrong

    Life is a certificate, a contract we're afraid to sign
    Death will consume your life, it played at mine
    this world is a ball of sin, with painted lines
    ^All that opression and combat................
    ...........was my frame of mind

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  2. #2
    Most Young & Intellectual
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    125
    Battle Record
    4-1

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    Oh man your good everbody here is good
    you have a lot of emotion and stuff.
    can you help me by checkin out my OM please?
    The Youngest Intellectual Mind 12

    Deep
    Poetic
    Feel

    Who Am I... I bring Forth Misorder!

  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF
    Last edited by Witty; July 6th, 2007 at 05:30 PM

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  4. #4
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    up!

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    they seek him here, they seek him there, yet none can see me, even though I'm everywhere
    Age
    25
    Posts
    1,527
    Battle Record
    6-0

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    I diddnt like some of the rhymes in places, i can't be bothered to quote exactly what ones, the grammar fell a bit short in certain places as well, "theres cut on my back."...........lol.
    u had some coo imagery here and there tho f'sho, just needed flesching out bit



    bye

  6. #6
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    up!

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  7. #7
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    Your verse against me, that I'm about to PWN! rofl, I promise this verse I'm writing is hot as fuck dude.


    The wordplay was decent, I've seen you use alot stronger words in your past writtens. The Emotion was nice and carried good impact on the story grasp. The Imagenation was clear and colorful. the Flow and rhyme scheme were mediocre though not incrediblly bad either. Overall I've seen you write ALOT better then this though it was an alright read.

  8. #8
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    Link in sig.

  9. #9
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Northern Ireland
    Age
    33
    Posts
    17,788
    Battle Record
    11-10
    Awards OM HOF

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    and again...

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


    24 x OM Hall Of Fame

  10. #10
    Innovator.
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    3,990
    Battle Record
    1-1

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    Yea, I kind of agree with Vortex (wow) and Belli.. this isn't one of your best pieces. It's obvious you tried to focus in on your rhyme scheme a bit more and it was a pretty smooth read, but a lot of lines seemed out of place and awkward - kind of like it was used to simply fit the scheme of things and you should never do that. The descriptiveness was there and the storyline was fairly entertaining, but from a technical standpoint I've seen you write a lot better and more polished. Keep writing.
    AI. Legendary.
    19x HOF. Seven Titles. 50.

  11. #11
    None
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Posts
    20,660
    Battle Record
    18-0

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    crush you like a rolling pin, then takes you to death's ocean.....
    and throws you in.

    I loved that part. I agree with the other feedback though... the flow was choppy at times and seemed out of place at other times.


  12. #12
    Soul Artist
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    353
    Battle Record
    7-2

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    this was good man. the flow was consistant but there were sometimes when it was a little off. nothing major but just a little off. but the storyline got me. great use of multi's throughout which mad the read much smoother. i didn't see any of them forced that much either. the imagery and emotion was felt. the ending was pretty good. didn't leave me wanting too much. so this was really good man. keep writing and i'll keep leaving feed.

    please hit this

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-341640.html
    Last edited by Idealist.; July 8th, 2007 at 07:56 PM

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    The Takeover

  13. #13
    Stop Frontin'
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    2,875
    Battle Record
    15-1

    Re: Frame Of Mind

    Excellence.

    I'll start with a small bit of critizism, a few of your lines seemed a bit irrelevant and looked to me like they were simply worked in to improve flow, but that really wasn't needed.

    Besides that....

    I have to say your flow was practically flawless. It seemed so smooth to me and really made this such an easy read, along with the excellent imagery that you used to describe all of your emotions.

    This stuck out to me, to be honest.. this was very dope.

    This world is a temptress, whose fury unfurls at the strengthless
    picking you apart, like a jealous, furious girl...........it's relentless
    Homing in, on your home again, until, you're swoll with sin
    crush you like a rolling pin, then takes you to death's ocean.....
    and throws you in.


    That was just a highlight inside a masterpiece.
    The concept was great, it seemed fresh to me aswell.
    Your a very impressive writer and I will continue to follow your work
    and probably learn more from you by doing so.

    If you get a chance, check it out. Tell me if I've improved.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-341651.html

Similar Threads

  1. Mind Frame of An Emotional Gangsta
    By David Dees in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: December 5th, 2005, 12:12 PM
  2. Frame of Mind
    By CAMROK in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: October 27th, 2004, 04:00 PM
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: June 1st, 2003, 08:32 PM
  4. my suicidal mind frame
    By dreamer in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: May 27th, 2003, 03:15 PM
  5. Battlin's Mind Frame...
    By Dariel Shariem in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: May 13th, 2002, 03:55 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •